To cut my sister off for this?

[nosisterlybond]

I have sister who’s 5 years younger than me and who I don’t really speak to. It’s been like this since we were children, we never really had a bond. And it’s not because of age, I have another sister who’s 10 years younger than me and we’re really close. Im close to all my other siblings and cousins, and we speak daily.

So 10 years ago we got into an argument because of hearsay, I told her last year we should forget about it and start fresh, she agreed. I was hoping this would be the start of building our relationship, but couple months ago something happened to me, I was distraught and I feel like even a colleague would reach out, but she didn’t, thankfully I had my family who supported me through it.

I was shocked as to why she didn’t even reach out to me, no calls, text or anything just silence. I mentioned it to my other sister that I thought it was weird, she asked her and my sister explained that she wanted to leave me alone because everyone else was talking to me about it and she in her mind didn’t think it was the best time to talk as I was “too stressed “ The thing is everyday she would ask my other family members who supported me about my situation and getting daily updates, but she doesn’t reach out herself to talk to me or ask me anything about the situation.

It’s now turned in to this where she’s annoyed that I’m going around talking to the family about why she hasn’t talked to me.

She has still to this day not spoken to me, and I have children she doesn’t speak to or have any bond with. We could easily go years and years without speaking, because we don’t see each other and don’t live in the same area. Everything she knows about my life is through our family. Prior to my situation I would text or call her to but it’s hard to keep a conversation going because we don’t really have much to talk about and I don’t think she’s putting in any effort to build our relationship.

I’m really hurt that she didn’t reach out about my situation, because I know I would call her if it happened to her. I don’t even think she would care if I died tomorrow because we don’t have a bond and we don’t speak.
I’m getting to the point where I’m just tired trying to keep building a relationship with someone that don’t care.

What would you do in my situation?

You seem determined to make whatever she does a negative. She can’t win.

I don’t think she’s done anything wrong here but you clearly want a reason to fall out

You're expecting your much younger sister to be the mature one and bring the calm to your drama. It sounds like she keeps her distance, if you want a relationship with her, stop what you're doing.

Why didn’t you get on as children? There is a reason. That is at the root to all of this bad blood. She could not have done right in the situation because of the animosity that lies between you both. In your shoes if I had barely been in contact with someone because we didn’t get on if something happened to me and she was all over me like a rash I wouldn’t be happy. I doubt you would be either. There was no way for her to do right by you here because you haven’t gotten to the root of the pattern of behaviour that has built up between you and fixed that. Sometimes it cannot be fixed.

She probably just doesn’t do needy and dramatic. I have close relatives I am distanced from as I don’t do either of those things and refuse to be sucked into it, distancing yourself is the only way.

"So 10 years ago we got into an argument because of hearsay, I told her last year we should forget about it and start fresh, she agreed."

So you've barely spoken for 10 years. It's unreasonable to think she should immediately feel close to you or want to be your confidante.

She's five years younger than you yet you never bonded with her since childhood? Why? I look out for my younger siblings even if theyre immature. She may feel very uncomfortable around you.

Playing Devil’s advocate here but contacting someone who you’re not close to about a crisis can be seen as trying to get gossip rather than being truly sympathetic. If she knows that you talk about her to others then you’d have to filter your news so that when she talks about you to others then she’s not disclosing the truly private info that you might tell a sister who is close.

She’s not unreasonable to be angry that you’re discussing your estrangement with others. If you want to discuss it then it should be with people that your sister doesn’t know so she doesn’t hear your thoughts on the situation second or third hand. As they say there’s 3 versions of events - yours, hers and the truth which will be somewhere in between. I feel sorry for your other sister who has been put in the middle tbh.

As she’s easy to avoid, I would just go very low contact rather than full on no contact. Some people only see relatives at Christmas and have perfectly polite exchanges when they bump into each other.

You are too focused on her. Try dropping any expectations and generally trying to be more relaxed about the relationship.

The thing is everyone in our family knows we don't speak or have a relationship. So it's not like our estrangement is news to them.

My younger sister said it probably goes back to our childhood years as to why we don't have a relationship, but I can't think of anything that has happened between us in our childhood, yes I used to think she was annoying as a child but everyone else in our family thought the same. Now they've all grown up and have a relationship with her, but I don't. I do feel awkward talking to her and having a conversation with her is hard work because she doesn't make an effort.

We are a close family, I'm just not close to her. And that's what bothers me, I have children who are very close to their aunts and uncles besides her. What about when she has children? I don't know what to tell my children as they get older.

Lengthy story, OP.
I don't know how old you are, but at 45, I just cut off anybody who does nothing for me, let alone put me down or raise doubts.
You start thinking who you really want to give your time and energy to.
Full stop.

Honestly? It sounds like you're the one with the problem with her, not the other way around.

YABU

It sounds like you absolutely adore drama and theatrics.

I can’t see your sister has done anything wrong, and you shouldn’t be talking to all your family behind her back.

What do you mean she didn’t “reach out”? Did you call her to tell her about the problem or contact her in any way directly? Or did you do a cryptic SM post and expect people to come running to ask what was wrong?

And what will you tell your children about the ‘hearsay’ argument @nosisterlybond ? Because I think it is key to the situation you now find yourself in (and I think that you probably do too)

I don't know why we didn't get on as children, I used to think she was annoying but so did everyone else. Now they're all adults and have a relationship with her, but I don't and I don't know why it's like this. I wish there was a reason but there isn't.

I think about the future, and our children how will it work when we don't even speak?

If my sister didn't reach out to me when I was going through that situation, there's nothing in this world that will make her reach out, and I've realised that now. I'm just glad I have a supportive family, I don't know what I would do without them.

I sometimes ask myself why am I even upset for her not reaching out to me when we don't have a relationship? But I think it bothers me that she's my sister and we don't speak, it's like im grieving for the relationship we never had.

I would be devastated if she was my only family member.

This.

She's damned if she does, and damned if she doesn't. To be honest you sound like hard work.

Jeez you sound like hard work!

The hearsay BS was just ridiculous. I heard something she said about me behind my back which she said isn't true, and the same for her.

That's why I told her, I don't care about that now and let's forget about it and start fresh.

Way too much "reaching out" going on. What happened to just calling, contacting or talking to people?

It’s now turned in to this where she’s annoyed that I’m going around talking to the family about why she hasn’t talked to me.

She has.a point. Why not ask her direct?

You are expecting your sister to be sisterly in a way you see a sister should be.
But shes not.
You need to let go of the image and requirements you have for her and back off. Stop talking about her to other family members. She is a different person, and maybe you need to just let her be her own self and get to know her, at her own pace, rather than pile behavioural expectations on her.

And there you have it! You caused an argument ten years ago and it then took you NINE years to gloss over it and put it behind you (doesn’t sound like there was any meaningful apology involved)
It sounds like your sister has the measure of you and a close relationship going forward is unlikely.

She may well be feeling exactly the same about you. She may be asking herself why she has a relationship with all her other siblings but not you. She may be saying why did it take 10 years for her to reach out to me after a stupid argument. She may be saying why does she not understand I didn't want to intrude when she was going through a hard time, when we aren't close and I knew others who she is closer to would be there for her. Why does she not realise that me asking our other siblings how she was is because I do care about her not because I am nosy?
Instead of trying to push a closer relationship just keep it casual and natural a how are you text every week or 2 , and see if the relationship grows from there.

You want to cut off someone who never interacts with you?

I do think you are to blame in this instance. All you can do is apologise.

She probably cares about your wellbeing simply because you are sisters, however you don't sound like you'll ever be particularly close sisters.
My sister and I probably have a similar relationship.