To cut my sister off for this?

[nosisterlybond]

I have sister who’s 5 years younger than me and who I don’t really speak to. It’s been like this since we were children, we never really had a bond. And it’s not because of age, I have another sister who’s 10 years younger than me and we’re really close. Im close to all my other siblings and cousins, and we speak daily.

So 10 years ago we got into an argument because of hearsay, I told her last year we should forget about it and start fresh, she agreed. I was hoping this would be the start of building our relationship, but couple months ago something happened to me, I was distraught and I feel like even a colleague would reach out, but she didn’t, thankfully I had my family who supported me through it.

I was shocked as to why she didn’t even reach out to me, no calls, text or anything just silence. I mentioned it to my other sister that I thought it was weird, she asked her and my sister explained that she wanted to leave me alone because everyone else was talking to me about it and she in her mind didn’t think it was the best time to talk as I was “too stressed “ The thing is everyday she would ask my other family members who supported me about my situation and getting daily updates, but she doesn’t reach out herself to talk to me or ask me anything about the situation.

It’s now turned in to this where she’s annoyed that I’m going around talking to the family about why she hasn’t talked to me.

She has still to this day not spoken to me, and I have children she doesn’t speak to or have any bond with. We could easily go years and years without speaking, because we don’t see each other and don’t live in the same area. Everything she knows about my life is through our family. Prior to my situation I would text or call her to but it’s hard to keep a conversation going because we don’t really have much to talk about and I don’t think she’s putting in any effort to build our relationship.

I’m really hurt that she didn’t reach out about my situation, because I know I would call her if it happened to her. I don’t even think she would care if I died tomorrow because we don’t have a bond and we don’t speak.
I’m getting to the point where I’m just tired trying to keep building a relationship with someone that don’t care.

What would you do in my situation?

I don't think you need to cut her off, you just need to accept that you're never going to be that close and your sister doesn't want the same kind of relationship as you do

She probably cares because she asked after you. Maybe after being distant for so long she didn't feel you had a close enough bond for her to intrude at that time?

I just saw you mentioned twice that as a child 'you thought she was annoying, but so did everyone else'. Im shocked! Who is this everyone else?! Her parents? Siblings?
Your family sounds quite toxic to be honest. She is being scapegoated. Has been all her life by the sound of it, and you might be the main perpetrator, since you're the one she doesn't talk to.
Your family doesn't celebrate individuality and acceptance. It requires everyone to fall in line and behave in a certain way, or they get trashed behind their backs.

I agree with all this. It might well be that you never gel with this particular person as well as you do with your other siblings, but if you both keep it light and not have any heavy expectations, a better relationship may grow.

If she does have children in the future, they might not be close with yours because of the age gap, rather than because you just don't click with your sister. One of my nephews is in his thirties when the other kids are still in their mid-teens. They don't clash or anything but there just isn't much in common. It's still okay.

I think you are taking her actions the wrong because of the past.

She asked about you and didn't want to plough in when as you say you aren't close and it's all tentative.

Why can't you get in touch and explain you would have felt touched if she'd dropped you messages etc. Then ask her what would she like you to do if she's ever unwell/in crises.

You can't assume everyone thinks and feels like you. Other people would have felt it very intrusive of her.

I am with your sister here. If I had a tentative relationship with a sibling who had something happen to them, then it makes sense to be cautious about approaching them and find out from others

Then you being pissed off about that and thinking I was a gossip would piss me off when I knew that I was stepping back for a good reason

Either accept that you will never have a relationship with each other, thrash it out between yourselves or go for some counselling to get to the bottom of this animosity

Some people just can’t deal with other people’s feelings. You had already had years of estrangement and perhaps she genuinely didn’t know what was the best way to approach this with you - once you brought in your other sister, she knew she was always going to cop it no matter what she did or said, so she chose to stay out of it. The fact that you are here asking it is clear you haven’t let it go.

From what you've written, she's distanced herself because of your behaviour and CBA with your drama. Unless there's particularly dreadful behaviour from someone, 'cutting them off" is unnecessary, most people just steer clear, are civil when needed and let matters lie. The fact you've already tried to get the whole family on side suggests that's not a very you approach.

You sound incredibly dramatic.

You were never close as children, have barely spoken for a decade and yet now something has happened, you want her to forget all that and come running to your side?

As for what you'd tell your children if she has children and they're not close - I mean, really?! Why would you need to tell them anything?

It's pretty simple, OP. You want her to be someone she is not. You can't accept the person she is and hold her in contempt for it. You ascribe motives to her behavior that others tell you is not there, and from the description you have given I would agree with them.

She clearly cares, but from a respectful distant. You see this as uncaring and are angry about it. You want a big demonstration of how much someone cares about you difficult times and that's just not who she is.

If you don't want to talk to her anymore, that is your busness, but do everyone in the family a favour and stop turning this into a grand, dramatic performance. Just make your choices and live by them, without expecting your family members to be your cheerleaders or to even agree with you.

I think it's unusual to talk to multiple siblings and cousins each day. If you are basing her lack of communication on this standard then you will be disappointed. I also think maybe she wants different boundaries. I wouldn't cut her off, I'd develop an adult relationship with her, which is about respect and acceptance.

yes I used to think she was annoying as a child but everyone else in our family thought the same

I used to think she was annoying but so did everyone else

I'm not sure that she is the problem here and I wouldn't be too confident 'everyone else' wasn't just saying what you clearly wanted them to say. If everyone else has a relationship with your sister but you, why do you think that is?

Your children will be free to build a relationship with her or with her children in future. You can continue to invite her to family events if you want them to maintain a relationship growing up. That doesn't mean you need to have a relationship with her.
Nor turn it into a pile of resentments to bring out in future - some people just are who they are and let it be.

Be aware that often people can agree with you because they are afraid of disagreeing with you or questioning your approach OP . That creates an echo chamber of your own thoughts and actions where you believe only your perspective is right. We all need people in our lives who constructively question and challenge us. As the saying goes the common denominator in every situation we are in is always ourselves.

It feels like you are looking for a reason to cut her off. In all honesty have you mentally really buried the hatchet? You sound still very much sore about the past.

Stop seeking some imaginary ‘perfect sister’ relationship and just foster, accept and enjoy the one you have. You don’t have to be in each other’s back pockets but family will often be there for you when others who message you with cringey ‘how are you hun’ messages are long gone.

How old are you both OP?

You honestly just sound fundamentally incompatible.

My sister and I are like this. We just can't seem to escape misunderstandings and actions being seen as hurtful even when that wasn't the intention.

I am someone who won't ask people about sensitive things, I feel they will come to me and offer up the information if they feel comfortable.

Many people appreciate this, and people like my sister don't.

I care deeply and show it in other ways, but to her the differences in our communications styles are insurmountable.

Neither of us are wrong, we are just two people that would never choose to associate or be friends if we weren't sisters.

Sometimes its not enough to be family with someone and it is okay to realise you just don't enjoy each other.

At least you care about your sister, and show it in other ways. But she doesn't care, she's as cold as ice and I just have to accept that.

We never had a bond as children, and we are in our 30s now, we still don't have a relationship and it is what it is. Like I said before, I'm just happy I'm close to my other siblings and cousins.

But you're not happy are you? You're starting threads about her.

Seems like you want it all your way.

I'm not seeking a perfect sister, but if I don't text or call her there's nothing.

I don't except us to be close, but a few texts or calls once a year would be nice. But that's not something she's interested in. So I'm just gonna leave it as it is.

Nothing in what you’ve said suggests she’s ’cold as ice’. You just don’t get along with one another, which is fine. You both have lots of other family that you do have good relationships with. You don’t need to ‘tell your children’ anything. My DS has an uncle he’s never met because he’s estranged from most of the family. He just accepts that.

It’s not clear to me — do you like this sister? Do you love her? Everything you say suggests not, but you seem to be very preoccupied with the kind of relationship you think ‘should’ exist between you.

So just leave it. No drama. No falling out. You don't have to be close with every family member.

Say Hi and be polite when you see each other. You could even do cards at Christmas or birthdays or just a text. Or nothing at all

Life is too short. No one needs the hassle. You do you.

Try to see it from her perspective. For most of her life - maybe back to her earliest memories - you've been the big sister who doesn't like her. Maybe she's never had any clear sense of why. Perhaps to you she was "annoying", but perfectly ordinary children are annoying to those a bit older than them. No wonder she's on eggshells about whether she should be in touch with you.

I also wonder how the event ten years ago fits in. Which of you was more at fault, would you say? (You don't have to answer, but it's worth thinking about.) Is it possible from her perspective that this was another case of nasty big sister kicking up a fuss over nothing?

It seems as though it's absolutely fine for you to slag her off behind her back to anyone who'll listen, but woe betide she do the same to you.

Why on earth do you feel the need to “cut her off” - such needless drama. Just leave her be and be nice when you meet at family gatherings. You sound furiously needy and determined to make a huge thing of this 🤷🏻‍♀️