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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this level of saving is extreme and I’m right to question it?

437 replies

ITru · 13/09/2024 15:32

My DP earns 3,800 after tax. Although we live together he also owns a home and so our finances have always been separate and we just split food bills and heating for my place. Anyway…

it recently came to light that DP is saving 1,500 from an income of 3,800. He never asks me to sub him or anything so that’s not the issue… the issue is he has often said let’s go somewhere cheaper for dinner or let’s go abroad one less night etc. he’s always trying to cut costs. Now I know he’s saving this it’s really annoyed me. Like I say he does pay his way so that’s fine but I can’t understand why for example we went somewhere average for my birthday dinner recently or why we couldn’t have split the cost of a swanky hotel when we went away in summer rather than camping like we did!!

I know everyone has a different perspective on how to spend money and what to spend it on but AIBU to think this is extreme?

OP posts:
queenofguineapigs · 13/09/2024 16:28

Runmybathforme · 13/09/2024 16:20

I’d find this level of saving irksome because he’s scrimping on enjoying life now. My husband sat in a chair and died, he was gone in a second. As they say, there’s no pockets in shrouds.

Sorry for your loss. And that's very true about shrouds.

We don't have crystal balls, it's hard to know if we'll live to 50 or 90 or somewhere inbetween. I err on the side of getting to 90. But I also live now.

LoftyPeachSnake · 13/09/2024 16:29

Are you married and do you have kids? If not married or no kids then I don't think you really have a day in how he spends (or doesn't spend lol) his money.

Starlight1979 · 13/09/2024 16:30

Tryingtokeepgoing · 13/09/2024 16:13

Many people I know, including me and my late husband, had our own properties when we first met and kept them for a while. After all, who knows how a relationship is going to pan out...best to keep your options open. Renting one out wasn't that common in my day, as it immediately restricts your options again. Generally what happened is after a few years, and marriage, both houses were sold and a joint / larger one bought

I struggle to see why people are so fixated on what is to me a relatively normal approach, and why people think the OP weakening her position by having him contribute to her mortgage is a good thing

Show quote history

THIS! We were the same. Struggling to see why so many people can't understand?!

sonsmum · 13/09/2024 16:32

If his house is just standing unoccupied for some time the insurance is likely to be void.
There is so much more to this story, as it does not ring true and is highly likely that the OP is being used!
OP needs to have a conversation with her DP, not us!
Raise the void insurance point, ask to see the property (and be smart enough to ensure he is showing you the property he owns, not any occupied property). If he can't do this/avoids the topic/can't show you proof of ownership, he is lying.
If he is so motivated to save money it is not plausible that he is not renting his place out.
Or it is that he has an ex wife/family still living in a home he owns or jointly owns, so he doesn't see this as renting it out.
OP, you need to ask him a lot of questions on this, or ask yourself if you're happy to risk years of regret, in the future.
Without trust, you have no future.

Iamnotthe1 · 13/09/2024 16:32

Why are people so keen to insist that she is subsidising him? The maths doesn't support that at all.

He is paying 100% of: the mortgage at his house, the bills at his house, any other upkeep at his house.
He is paying 50% of: the bills at her house, the food at her house.
Unknown: is there any contribution to upkeep of the place? DIY? etc.

She is paying 100% of: the mortgage of her house.
She is paying 50% of: the bills at her house, the food at her house.
Unknown: upkeep, decoration, DIY etc.

She is not subsidising him. If anything, due to economies of scale, she is likely saving money by having him there because covering all of the energy/council/internet/food/etc. would likely be more than she is paying now.

Arctangent · 13/09/2024 16:34

I've heard about people who save so much money that they end up with more money than they could spend in a lifetime of living comfortably and they still live like they're on the bones of their arse.

I don't get it. Life is for living.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 13/09/2024 16:35

Is he actually interested in the "lavish" things you're talking about wanting to do? Because that might be the actual issue, rather than the saving.

If it was something he wanted to do, would he spend or would he still go without? Because it's things you're wanting to do, but he may not care about, he doesn't see the value in spending on it?

Overcover · 13/09/2024 16:36

Runmybathforme · 13/09/2024 16:20

I’d find this level of saving irksome because he’s scrimping on enjoying life now. My husband sat in a chair and died, he was gone in a second. As they say, there’s no pockets in shrouds.

Is he scrimping on enjoying life though? He is spending on meals and holidays, just not the expensive ones OP wants. Maybe he prefers a camping trip and the pub, I do, or at least I don't prefer the luxury version enough to make it worth the difference in cost to me.

My DH also died and he left us very secure, which I'm very grateful for.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 13/09/2024 16:36

sonsmum · 13/09/2024 16:32

If his house is just standing unoccupied for some time the insurance is likely to be void.
There is so much more to this story, as it does not ring true and is highly likely that the OP is being used!
OP needs to have a conversation with her DP, not us!
Raise the void insurance point, ask to see the property (and be smart enough to ensure he is showing you the property he owns, not any occupied property). If he can't do this/avoids the topic/can't show you proof of ownership, he is lying.
If he is so motivated to save money it is not plausible that he is not renting his place out.
Or it is that he has an ex wife/family still living in a home he owns or jointly owns, so he doesn't see this as renting it out.
OP, you need to ask him a lot of questions on this, or ask yourself if you're happy to risk years of regret, in the future.
Without trust, you have no future.

You can get second home insurances. If that solves that problem for you?

Tryingtokeepgoing · 13/09/2024 16:37

Iamnotthe1 · 13/09/2024 16:32

Why are people so keen to insist that she is subsidising him? The maths doesn't support that at all.

He is paying 100% of: the mortgage at his house, the bills at his house, any other upkeep at his house.
He is paying 50% of: the bills at her house, the food at her house.
Unknown: is there any contribution to upkeep of the place? DIY? etc.

She is paying 100% of: the mortgage of her house.
She is paying 50% of: the bills at her house, the food at her house.
Unknown: upkeep, decoration, DIY etc.

She is not subsidising him. If anything, due to economies of scale, she is likely saving money by having him there because covering all of the energy/council/internet/food/etc. would likely be more than she is paying now.

Exactly that. The only difference is, he is choosing to save just over a third of his take home pay (relatively normal behaviour) and the OP is not. So guess what, he builds up savings and she doesn't.

To repeat myself, if this was the other way round, would we all be saying that the OP should be compensating him for not saving?

Tryingtokeepgoing · 13/09/2024 16:38

Arctangent · 13/09/2024 16:34

I've heard about people who save so much money that they end up with more money than they could spend in a lifetime of living comfortably and they still live like they're on the bones of their arse.

I don't get it. Life is for living.

£77k is not that number though, is it!

ThisOldThang · 13/09/2024 16:38

@ITru

You strike me as the sort of person who thinks all money is to be spent immediately.

For example:
If somebody gave you a tenner you'd pop into Pret.
If it were £100 you'd book a restaurant.
£1000 and you'd book a weekend away.
£10k and you might buy a car or book a luxury holiday.
£100k and you'd do some building work.
£1 million and you'd give up work and start spending it all.

Newsflash - you're never going to reach those larger amounts if you piss away all the money that comes your way.

Did you enjoy the holiday? What was wrong with the restaurant he booked for your birthday?

I think your partner has a decent savings rate and is being very sensible. If it is negatively impacting his and your lives, then perhaps he's being too disciplined. Does he also have a pension? Are these his long term retirement savings?

knittingdad · 13/09/2024 16:38

sunseaandsoundingoff · 13/09/2024 16:08

It's a FIRE approach, which is an established approach that many people do. The whole point is long term thinking, to be able to retire early. In fact a lot of FIRE people would save a higher %.

I don't think it is. If it was he would be renting out his place.

The fact that he has his place empty screams to me that this is about insecurity. It's there as a bolthole in case he needs out of the relationship. And so the money isn't saved as part of a plan to retire early - he's never going to be sure that he's saved enough.

He'll be working and saving into his 70s mark my words.

femfemlicious · 13/09/2024 16:39

invisiblecat · 13/09/2024 15:44

It appears that he is living at yours entirely rent/mortgage free, whilst presumably he has a tenant in his property who is paying his mortgage, rates and utilities for him there too, so his own property is costing him nothing either. If anything, it is making him money.

So if he pays nothing towards his own property and nothing towards yours either, he is living totally rent / mortgage free. All he is doing is paying a proportion of your household bills. No wonder he can save so much money every month.

I'm afraid you've got a bit of a cocklodger on your hands there.

In mumsnet, you are not supposed to contribute towards your partners mortgage even if you live there...or maybe that applies only to women🤔

justasking111 · 13/09/2024 16:41

@ITru how much do you save a month?

Arctangent · 13/09/2024 16:42

Tryingtokeepgoing · 13/09/2024 16:38

£77k is not that number though, is it!

Show quote history

No, but it's the attitude of saving and saving when you're not planning on ever spending it that I don't get. It's nice to have a safety net, but where does it end?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 13/09/2024 16:42

Runmybathforme · 13/09/2024 16:20

I’d find this level of saving irksome because he’s scrimping on enjoying life now. My husband sat in a chair and died, he was gone in a second. As they say, there’s no pockets in shrouds.

DH and I choose to go for reasonably cheap UK holidays, because we love them. We really love walking along the UK coast with the dog, in more recent years building sandcastles with DD and chilling in a cottage with a pizza or burger.

We don't enjoy AI resorts abroad, or fancy meals out. Some of our best dates over the years have been a walk, a burger and then home for a movie.

Simple tastes don't mean someone isn't living their life. They are just living it differently to someone who prefers more lavish things.

ThisOldThang · 13/09/2024 16:43

Arctangent · 13/09/2024 16:42

No, but it's the attitude of saving and saving when you're not planning on ever spending it that I don't get. It's nice to have a safety net, but where does it end?

Show quote history

I know somebody that used to work at an investment bank. His figure was £10 million.

LivelyBlake · 13/09/2024 16:43

The OP is also saving on bills with him paying half.

I think the arrangement is fair.

I know someone like your partner, OP. She never wants to spend any money on anything nice. If we go to a nice pub I have to pay more for the food because she can’t afford it. Then I discovered that she can’t afford it because she saves £1,000 a month religiously.

Bickybics · 13/09/2024 16:47

DH and I are heavy savers. We have been known to splurg on big holidays and we have good cars (bought for cash), but on a daily basis we are very careful.
DH is like this as his dad worked on shipyards in the 80s and he’s just scared of being skint like they were. I am like this as I got into debt when I was younger and I never want to be in that position again. I also realised how much money I wasted for little benefit.

My BIL/SIL can’t cope with money in their hands and have to spend it (and tell everyone what they are spending), have gotten them into a mess several times. BIL currently will need to work forever.

we intend to have a retirement without worry.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 13/09/2024 16:48

Starlight1979 · 13/09/2024 16:30

THIS! We were the same. Struggling to see why so many people can't understand?!

Show quote history

I have no clue - seems obvious thing to do.

I rented a flat from someone who after leaving it mostly empty - her DP had house paying mortgage on - had got to point of thinking they were together long term engaged - then rented and after me had one renter so another year then sold it.

I worked with someone who tried to do similar but the renter quickly stopped paying rent - and it cost them a fortune to get the flat back - trashed of course. The stress on her was huge it dominated her life and cost her a fortune.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 13/09/2024 16:48

ThisOldThang · 13/09/2024 16:38

@ITru

You strike me as the sort of person who thinks all money is to be spent immediately.

For example:
If somebody gave you a tenner you'd pop into Pret.
If it were £100 you'd book a restaurant.
£1000 and you'd book a weekend away.
£10k and you might buy a car or book a luxury holiday.
£100k and you'd do some building work.
£1 million and you'd give up work and start spending it all.

Newsflash - you're never going to reach those larger amounts if you piss away all the money that comes your way.

Did you enjoy the holiday? What was wrong with the restaurant he booked for your birthday?

I think your partner has a decent savings rate and is being very sensible. If it is negatively impacting his and your lives, then perhaps he's being too disciplined. Does he also have a pension? Are these his long term retirement savings?

Yes, as touched on earlier, I think that they are so far apart in attitudes to money that this will always be an issue. I think he's probably doing the right thing maintaining a plan B.

I'm actually shocked so many people think that asking him to contribute to the mortgage is either reasonable, or even sensible. The OP should be protecting that asset as much as is possible. I'm also surprised that people think saving just over a third of your income is abnormal... But then, many posters on Mumsnet seem to have a weird relationship with money 😂

twomanyfrogsinabox · 13/09/2024 16:49

ITru · 13/09/2024 15:48

But he already has close to 100k? That IS security!

I know I can’t tell him what to do I’m just surprised and to be honest even more surprised that a few people have said they’ve done the same!

£77k isn't £100k and even £100k doesn't give a lot of income, at say 5% interest £100k is just £5,000 a year. If he's hoping to live off income from his capital at some time in the future he has a long way to go yet, even to supplement his pension it's not a huge amount.

Arctangent · 13/09/2024 16:49

ThisOldThang · 13/09/2024 16:43

I know somebody that used to work at an investment bank. His figure was £10 million.

Show quote history

Crikey!!

CormorantStrikesBack · 13/09/2024 16:50

I a bit like your dp to be honest. Save a good amount every month and when I go abroad I’ll happily stop in a youth hostel to save money. I could afford a hotel and sometimes have gone wild and had two weeks in a 5* hotel in the Caribbean. It’s not just about saving but about whether I can justify (to myself) spending a certain amount on something, whether that’s a car, clothes, a holiday.