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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this level of saving is extreme and I’m right to question it?

437 replies

ITru · 13/09/2024 15:32

My DP earns 3,800 after tax. Although we live together he also owns a home and so our finances have always been separate and we just split food bills and heating for my place. Anyway…

it recently came to light that DP is saving 1,500 from an income of 3,800. He never asks me to sub him or anything so that’s not the issue… the issue is he has often said let’s go somewhere cheaper for dinner or let’s go abroad one less night etc. he’s always trying to cut costs. Now I know he’s saving this it’s really annoyed me. Like I say he does pay his way so that’s fine but I can’t understand why for example we went somewhere average for my birthday dinner recently or why we couldn’t have split the cost of a swanky hotel when we went away in summer rather than camping like we did!!

I know everyone has a different perspective on how to spend money and what to spend it on but AIBU to think this is extreme?

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 13/09/2024 15:36

What's he saving for?

knittingdad · 13/09/2024 15:36

Do you know what his purpose for this saving is?

If there's a specific plan the saving is part of that you can understand, then I would call it an admirable degree of discipline and follow-through.

If it is saving out of a generalized sense of miserliness, or fear about the future, then I'd agree it was extreme.

Mnetcurious · 13/09/2024 15:36

Wait so he’s not paying anything towards your mortgage/rent? Just his half of the heating and food? You’re subsidising him massively, meanwhile he’s stashing away savings and has a property which is no doubt increasing in value (and I assume providing him with additional income from renting it out?).

YellowComb · 13/09/2024 15:37

There's a difference between saying "let's spend one less night away abroad" from going camping. There's a difference between not going to an overpriced restaurant and not going somewhere nice for your birthday.

I can't tell if you are being unreasonable or not because of these examples. I think it's good that he manages to save and you still seem to have a good lifestyle.

You must have discussed going camping. Did you enjoy it until you realised he was saving money?

Are you bitter because he's saving money?

MugPlate · 13/09/2024 15:39

You live together in your house? If so, who is in his house?

Mainoo72 · 13/09/2024 15:40

I think he’s sensible. I save a similar amount, but also splurge now & then. I’m saving for early retirement because there’s no way I’m working past mid fifties. Is he saving for something specific?

Blobblobblob · 13/09/2024 15:40

The key is to understand any hidden costs you might have as a result of him living with you.

Unless you are mortgage free this is grossly unfair and he should be paying rent as a lodger, which is technically what he is.

The argument that you don't want him gaining a stake to your home is valid, but it's easily solved with a contract.

MrsKeats · 13/09/2024 15:41

I would hate this tbh.
Life is too short.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 13/09/2024 15:44

Well, from £3,800 the £1,500 savings aren't that far off the old mantra of spend a third on housing, spend a third on living and save a third. The difference is, what, £240? And I too would like the roundness of a £1,500 savings number compared to £1,267! So I don't see anything wrong with the approach, unless there's something else that we don't know It's that approach that let me semi retire before I hit 50 - albeit I was earning rather more

Original poster
ITru · 13/09/2024 15:44

He’s saying he is saving for ‘security.’ He has 77k at the moment. We have had a full open conversation about it.

I am not subbing him, he pays his own mortgage and I pay mine. He is living in my house so we split the bills and food.

OP posts:
invisiblecat · 13/09/2024 15:44

It appears that he is living at yours entirely rent/mortgage free, whilst presumably he has a tenant in his property who is paying his mortgage, rates and utilities for him there too, so his own property is costing him nothing either. If anything, it is making him money.

So if he pays nothing towards his own property and nothing towards yours either, he is living totally rent / mortgage free. All he is doing is paying a proportion of your household bills. No wonder he can save so much money every month.

I'm afraid you've got a bit of a cocklodger on your hands there.

Original poster
ITru · 13/09/2024 15:45

I just think it’s a bit over the top. Surely saving 1k would mean he had a few hundred spare that means we could do more lavish things. Maybe it’s just me!!

OP posts:
anonhop · 13/09/2024 15:45

I think he's being super reasonable? He maybe should be putting it in a pension/ investments rather than letting it sit in an account but otherwise, I'd encourage this!

Is he thinking of retiring early or something? X

TreesWelliesKnees · 13/09/2024 15:45

Why isn't he paying you rent, OP?

DaisyChain505 · 13/09/2024 15:46

I think there’s a fine balance in life between saving and spending. If neither of you owned a property and you were desperate to get on the ladder I could understand him sacrificing treats and trips as he had a huge goal in mind to save for.

However the fact that he already owns a property would leave me a little miffed. What is he saving for? Why don’t you talk about a middle ground of him still saving but once a month you have a treat that you both pay towards like a nice meal, trip, date etc.

Overcover · 13/09/2024 15:47

I'm a saver and have always lived well within my means. Having that cushion gives you real choice about what to do with your life, rather than choice about where to go on holiday.

His money his choice. If that makes him an unsuitable partner for you, that's your choice.

knittingdad · 13/09/2024 15:48

ITru · 13/09/2024 15:45

I just think it’s a bit over the top. Surely saving 1k would mean he had a few hundred spare that means we could do more lavish things. Maybe it’s just me!!

Yes. It does sound a bit unnecessary, and due to insecurity, rather than for a purpose.

It sounds like he's never going to want to spend that money, even if there's a crisis that calls for it, because the money saved is his security, not what he can do with it.

Original poster
ITru · 13/09/2024 15:48

But he already has close to 100k? That IS security!

I know I can’t tell him what to do I’m just surprised and to be honest even more surprised that a few people have said they’ve done the same!

OP posts:
Tryingtokeepgoing · 13/09/2024 15:48

invisiblecat · 13/09/2024 15:44

It appears that he is living at yours entirely rent/mortgage free, whilst presumably he has a tenant in his property who is paying his mortgage, rates and utilities for him there too, so his own property is costing him nothing either. If anything, it is making him money.

So if he pays nothing towards his own property and nothing towards yours either, he is living totally rent / mortgage free. All he is doing is paying a proportion of your household bills. No wonder he can save so much money every month.

I'm afraid you've got a bit of a cocklodger on your hands there.

Why should we assume that the other property is being rented out? Most people I know, when they got into a longer term relationship, didn't get a tenant in straight away. Indeed, usually not for years...just in case. And then they tended to sell both houses and combine funds. But I agree, it would be helpful if the OP confirmed this

Toomanyemails · 13/09/2024 15:49

You just need to have a chat about money and finances, neither of you is unreasonable as you're each saving, contributing to the shared household and buying some treats, but if you have drastically different attitudes to lifestyle, money and future goals it could cause issues down the line. Does he have a pension or are you including that in the 1.5k saved? Is he miserly about money, or does he just not feel that expensive dinners/holidays are worth it to him?

Original poster
ITru · 13/09/2024 15:49

No he doesn’t rent it out.

as I’ve said many times, I’m not subbing him in any way

OP posts:
Mnetcurious · 13/09/2024 15:50

ITru · 13/09/2024 15:44

He’s saying he is saving for ‘security.’ He has 77k at the moment. We have had a full open conversation about it.

I am not subbing him, he pays his own mortgage and I pay mine. He is living in my house so we split the bills and food.

You ARE subbing him. You pay to live in your house, he pays nothing. Yes you each pay a mortgage but he gets two properties- one for himself and another one (yours) to live in free of charge.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 13/09/2024 15:50

old mantra of spend a third on housing, spend a third on living and save a third.

Did that in my 20s - when rents were cheaper and when I was trying to pay of uni incurred debts early and save house deposit - worked well for me.

Seems odd to save so much - does he not have much pension or have some longer plan - seems odd to never enjoy having the money unless it's for some purpose.

If he's not increasing your costs - it may be stick to your guns give lots of notice for more expensive fun things and if that doesn't work then I think there some incompatibility to talk though.

Conniebygaslight · 13/09/2024 15:51

ITru · 13/09/2024 15:44

He’s saying he is saving for ‘security.’ He has 77k at the moment. We have had a full open conversation about it.

I am not subbing him, he pays his own mortgage and I pay mine. He is living in my house so we split the bills and food.

He is living with you for free while he saves his own money? Isn’t he paying anything towards the mortgage, I.E rent?

Tryingtokeepgoing · 13/09/2024 15:52

ITru · 13/09/2024 15:48

But he already has close to 100k? That IS security!

I know I can’t tell him what to do I’m just surprised and to be honest even more surprised that a few people have said they’ve done the same!

Its a bit of a stretch to go from £77k to close to £100k! At £1,500 a month it'd take another year. Perhaps there is a huge difference between the two of you in your approach to money, if you really think that.. Saving a third of your income is relatively normal, IME

But, it would help if you could say whether the house on which he is paying a mortgage is rented out...