To think this level of saving is extreme and I’m right to question it?

[ITru]

My DP earns 3,800 after tax. Although we live together he also owns a home and so our finances have always been separate and we just split food bills and heating for my place. Anyway…

it recently came to light that DP is saving 1,500 from an income of 3,800. He never asks me to sub him or anything so that’s not the issue… the issue is he has often said let’s go somewhere cheaper for dinner or let’s go abroad one less night etc. he’s always trying to cut costs. Now I know he’s saving this it’s really annoyed me. Like I say he does pay his way so that’s fine but I can’t understand why for example we went somewhere average for my birthday dinner recently or why we couldn’t have split the cost of a swanky hotel when we went away in summer rather than camping like we did!!

I know everyone has a different perspective on how to spend money and what to spend it on but AIBU to think this is extreme?

If my partner took me camping as an adult I'd dump him

You need £4m just to get the 6 figure income so common round these parts - I'm surprised an investment banker doesn't have a higher number ;)

I'm not sure why it would be unreasonable for him to save his own money. I'm surprised you think you should be consulted on it.

Where do you "take" him?

I wish people would stop saying this - it’s completely untrue.

Contributions to a mortgage are seen as ‘rent’ in the eyes of the courts, they don’t give any form of rights to ownership of the property. None.

I agree OP, I think saving is essential but I do think there needs to be a healthy balance between saving enough for future security and living an enjoyable life now.

My in laws penny pinched like your DP for.ywara and years so they could enjoy an exciting and comfortable retirement, my MIL passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly at 54, they were both still working, my FIL often remarks that he wish they had saved a little less and lived a little more.

If he pays towards OP's house he could end up having some rights to it.

To be honest, this level of saving wouldn't worry me but if it is escalating, it would. I have a friend I've known for decades who will not spend a cent more than she has to on anything. She works full time, she and her husband own their place outright, she can't possibly have money worries, but she got into the habit of parsimony and doesn't seem able to break out of it.

Saving a third of your income is unusual. The average savings ratio for the UK as a whole is 11.1% (in Q1 2024).

For what it's worth, I think 11.1% is probably a little low, but 39.5% is excessive, in the absence of a specific goal to save for.

Also, I thought its recommended to have at least 6 months salary saved, so have you considered that he's sensible and cautious?

I dion;'t think its right or wrong. I do think you need to decide if its a dealbreaker for you or whether you can let it go.

My dad is like this. We think it’s because his family lost his house in their childhood and had to move to a smaller home due to my uncle’s business going bust (it’s complicated but my uncle owned the house because he inherited it from his mum/my grandpas widow before he married my grandma) - did your partner ever go through something similar or experience poverty in the past?

like your husband, he never asks for subs or anyone to pay for anything as he’s proud as well as a tight wad. My gran on my mums side gave us a lawnmower as ours was on its last legs (dad wouldn’t buy a new one) and my dad protested massively due to his pride.

if he treats us (as he’s proud and refuses to split the bill) he wants to go “somewhere cheap with big portions” and when he treats us to takeaway which is rare he always wants us to get the cheapest thing. It stopped me wanting to go out as a family with him for food honestly. I either go out with my partner, my mum or just treat myself. It’s ironic as he’s a massive snob and complains about anywhere cheap/tacky. Unsure if relevant but he’s a torie.

ive often wondered if he’s on the autistic spectrum like me, but im autistic and im not cheap like this.

It’s shit. He’s always looking for coupons too, if he has a £2 TK Maxx coupon on Vodafone rewards he tried to spend it all so nothing was left over on the voucher, not even 10p.

my mum obvs married him despite his cheapness (she got a tiny engagement ring which the diamond fell out of about ten years ago) but she’s grown to resent it. They have split up recently (we all still live together) and it’s sad to see it ingrained in her, whenever she buys anything in front of me she tries to justify it and I say mum, you don’t need to justify it, I’m not dad.

im grateful that he’s told us we will receive a big inheritance, but id give it up tomorrow if it meant he was less cheap with money now.

i would never date a man like this. Equally it’s not fair to ask him to change if he’s set in his ways. It’s up to him what he does with his money but ensure you aren’t paying for everything. Personally, I would end it with him. He won’t change.

He doesn't have to live an extravagant lifestyle just because he can afford to. It sounds like you have different priorities, he would rather live a simple life and have the security of a healthy savings account; you would rather spend the money whilst you have it. Honestly, I'd think about separating and looking for a partner who shares you attitude to money as you will only make each other miserable if you see things so differently.

Yes, that's correct.

My friend's ex (not married) tried to argue that by contributing to the mortgage he was owed a share of the house, but was told exactly that, it's just "rent".

What did entile him to a share was that he'd contributed to renovations, so that's what you need to be careful about

@ITru I certainly would ever not be camping if my partner had a 3800 take home wage!!! he is also getting rent from his house, presumably, so is he paying rent in yours?????

No matter what I earned I'd never be very keen to spend a lot of money on a hotel or restaurant.

I'd keep a close eye on this.

It doesn't sound wildly frugal. But equally life is for living and you can't take it with you.

Is he saving for something in particular? Does he have decent equity in the property too/is his mortgage paid off? Does he have a good pension or is this designed to supplement it? What is his job security like /what are his career goals? There can be good reasons to have a buffer.

I don't think £100k of savings is an unreasonable level to aspire to, particularly later in life. But equally I don't think there's much point living a miserly life when it isn't essential.

Also - if you want a nice treat can you just pay for it yourself if thats your priority or is your budget tight?

https://mercerslaw.co.uk/news/should-you-contribute-to-the-mortgage-if-you-dont-own-the-house/#:~:text=Do%20the%20contributions%20to%20the,it%20depends%20on%20the%20circumstances.

This.

He earns his own money, he decides how he spends it.

If you want to go to more expensive places say so. If he doesn't want to, there's the problem.

@ITru , I don't think you have the right to complain about your partner's saving habit, it's not your money.

You do you - as my daughter says!

This exactly. More expensive stuff generally just isn’t worth it for me.

With the figures quoted he has more than 20 months salary saved and is still saving as hard as he can. (Except for mysteriously not renting out his empty house)

He is earning enough that he could work part-time and still save money. What's the point of his wealth accumulation? What's it for?

At some point caution and canny thriftiness tips over into debilitating fear of life and miserliness.

None of her business, as long as he is 'paying his way', they're not married so he, like she, is a relatively free agent.

The type of people who find out there is savings and their mind instantly start thinking of the swanky hotels and posh restaurants (meaningless bad financial investments) they could spend it on have no financial sense.

As for him 'living' at OP's sounds like he doesn't need to be there at all but they enjoy each others company so he has ended up staying there (probably because OP prefers her house to his). It often happens when you settle into a relationship and want to spend more time together, its awkward to be like 'right its getting on best be off home'. It's wildly different from a cocklodger, he pays for what he uses while there and OP can tell him to bugger off home at any point she likes.

I do think you should be able to pick where you want to eat for your birthday, it's a once a year event so isn't going to significantly impact on his overall savings and just makes him look like a tight arse. Holidays are a bit different and there should be a compromise between camping and swanky hotel.

She has also been living rent free and paying her mortgage off - but in her place. Seeing as they split the bills, she is gaining more than if he was living in his place and she was living in hers.