To think this level of saving is extreme and I’m right to question it?

[ITru]

My DP earns 3,800 after tax. Although we live together he also owns a home and so our finances have always been separate and we just split food bills and heating for my place. Anyway…

it recently came to light that DP is saving 1,500 from an income of 3,800. He never asks me to sub him or anything so that’s not the issue… the issue is he has often said let’s go somewhere cheaper for dinner or let’s go abroad one less night etc. he’s always trying to cut costs. Now I know he’s saving this it’s really annoyed me. Like I say he does pay his way so that’s fine but I can’t understand why for example we went somewhere average for my birthday dinner recently or why we couldn’t have split the cost of a swanky hotel when we went away in summer rather than camping like we did!!

I know everyone has a different perspective on how to spend money and what to spend it on but AIBU to think this is extreme?

It seems a weird way of doing things. Imo he should rent out his property and then either give you half of his profit or pay half your mortgage as rent. If he did that he wouldn’t need to save as much from
his income?

Yeah, as others have said, you ARE subbing him. It just seems absolutely mental, to the point of not really being believable, that he's got a whole house he's paying a mortgage on, that nobody lives in. What on earth would be the point of that? It's not even a good idea having a property just sitting fallow.

But also yeah, the miserliness would put me off. It's just not something I would find attractive. I know some people do, and they find joy in wearing their clothes until they fall apart and buying the cheapest of everything, but that's absolutely not for me. I also don't know many people who can afford to save almost half of what they're earning. Can YOU, OP? If not, and your boyfriend somehow can, then perhaps you need to ask yourself why that is?

I had an ex years ago who was the same. We were friends before we got together and are still friends now, but I couldn't cope with his attitude to money. It also bored me. He'd like to try again I know, but absolutely not.

Great job, big salary. Also had a weekend job. Owned his house outright in a very nice part of London (inheritance). He had mega-savings.

This was years ago, he's now 61 and has never been beyond Europe. & then only to Europe say every 10 years. No car. Rarely eats out. He's not lived, his life is so small. I do feel sorry that he can't spend his money to treat and enjoy himself. But if he wants to be the richest man in the graveyard that's his lookout.

I hope you resolve this OP as it's no fun whatsoever to live with.

Fwiw, the fact that I saved like this means that now, as an unexpectedly single woman in her 50s, I can do a job that I enjoy 3 days pw and still have cash for a decent social life and some holidays, rather than the drudgery I'd have been stuck with if I'd built a lifestyle to match my income.

If it's possible, I recommend it.

Long term renting it out should make sense - but landlords rules are about to change and being a landlord may not be want this guy wants to do - he just may not want the hassle of it all.

He can do what he wants with his money, you’re not married.

Does he have a pension? Could he be planning for an early retirement? That would be perfectly reasonable wouldn’t it?

Why doesn’t he rent his property out if he lives with you?

I agree re the middle ground!
It doesn’t have to be one extreme (bad with money, in loads of debt) to the other (a super saver).
If this was my financial situation I’d probably want to save £1000 and have that other £500 a month for nice things. And you probably wouldn’t need the full £500 every month, but maybe summer holidays, Christmas and birthdays, more of a splurge would be lovely for sure!

Really if you break this down into an emergency fund of 6-12 months, a pot towards a future house purchase and money towards an early retirement it’s not really crazy money in each pot.

This is the time in his life where he probably has the most income relative to outgoings and dependants so it makes sense to save more.

He's not that good with money if he's just leaving a house empty. That's mad,

His house is just stood empty he is living rent free in another house, saving like mad and going on camping trips to save money! There are ways that partners can pay rent and house owners be protected. If he paid money to OP she might be able to save a bit too. It’s bonkers

He doesn’t sound frugal to the point of being mean or miserly so this wouldn’t bother me.

But not renting out an empty house doesn’t seem financially savvy at all.

Are you saying that he owns a house which he neither lives in nor rents out. It just sits there empty?

Apparently so.

It's a FIRE approach, which is an established approach that many people do. The whole point is long term thinking, to be able to retire early. In fact a lot of FIRE people would save a higher %.

This is likely just his personality. Extreme saving/ economising is like a form of hoarding, just hoarding money. There will be no point at which he thinks, oh great, I have x in the bank, now I’m going to indulge myself and @ITru .

In reality the addiction can get worse. The buzz he gets from reading his bank balance needs a top up? Increase the saving to £2k a month and stop buying Christmas presents/ camping/ only buy economy food.

Have you actually discussed this?

OP, it seems fair to me that he pays half bills and food at your house, and he's still paying his own mortgage and bills at his house. it's not wrong he wants to save that much, it's his money and his choice. neither is it wrong if you want to spend more. it's just an area where you may not be compatible, you either need to learn to live with it or end things.

Probably for the same reason a lot of people in their 30s and 40s who are dating (and not married) have to do this. Because they are homeowners when they start dating and maybe don't want to give up the security of having their own home until they know the relationship has legs and / or you're getting married / having kids.

Me and DP both owned houses when we got together. We used to split time between both but eventually my house became our "home" and so he sold his to move into mine (couldn't realistically rent it out as the rental market in the area was terrible and wouldn't have covered his mortgage payments). But he didn't do this until we knew we wanted a future together and we had discussions about finances / security / marriage etc.

The rent question is completely derailiong the thread despite the OP repeatedly stating it's not relevant. We don't know how long they've been dating; if it's only been a year, he may have "ended up" living at hers just through habit or convenience, but it's too soon to take the step of renting his own place out properly (and maybe he doesn't want to be a landlord anyway).

The question is about attitudes to saving. Personally I think a sensible approach to money is only ever a positive in a partner. I don't get "tight" as a criticism because I don't want a partner who throws money away without thinking on stuff that isn't worth it. So I don't think there's an issue with him saving whatever he feels he needs to.

As for its impact on OP... well you have agency here. Restaurants? The quality of a restaurant isn't linked to how expensive it is. Some of the best meals I've had have cost peanuts. Some of the most eye-bleedingly expensive have been bang average.

Holiday? You don't have to go camping if you don't want to! Nothing on earth would persuade me to camp, I'd rather just stay at home. There's a middle ground between camping and swanky hotels though? (Tbh swanky hotels are definitely not worth the money... I mostly stay in them for work and every time I do, I always think I'd never pay that much.)

£77k isn't that much especially depending on what age he is. Are you stashing savings away yourself or do you have more than he does?

So he will have bills on his empty house, won't he? Who pays those bills?

I don't really see how he's gaining/taking advantage if he's paying his own mortgage but his house is sitting empty? OP has been clear he's not renting it out so doesn't have any income from his house, he's just paying for it. If anything both of them are gaining on only paying half the bills of a house.

OP I can see how this niggles you but I think it's just different attitudes to money. I am a saver (though not to this extent! I wish) and my DP is not. At the end of some months I will be skint until payday but this will be after savings have been DD'd into my other account...so theoretically there is money there, but not that I consider to be free to spend. Whereas my DP would have that money back over straight away if it was him.

I do think it's an issue though if he's really making you downgrade what you want to do - holidays etc - by saying he can't afford it when he actually could if he put the breaks on saving for one month, for example. However if you're still doing decent stuff but just not the most lavish version, then I don't think that's an issue.

But he's paying his own mortgage and bills???

I do find it odd that he keeps so much money for the future, but is not living and enjoying the moment a bit more.

This property not being rented out and becoming income is so at odds with his savings level though. If the pair of you are sharing, it really does make sense to do something with that house to make it work, rather that it sitting empty, costing a mortgage, insurance, council tax, energy bills etc.

He also should be getting advice on savings, as a pension immediately adds +20% or more, many employers match employees etc. Also, £77k can turn quite the investment over time if placed carefully in a tracker fund / ISA.

It seems like he needs to take a bigger look at his finances, particularly when being so focussed on it leaves you feeling less than cared for.

This. Your partner should pay you rent.

Living situation aside, he’s not unreasonable to be frugal and you aren’t unreasonable to want to go to better places. It seems your attitude towards money is incompatible and that’s ok. Find someone who is more on your wavelength. Life’s too short!