Feral kid in same class as DS

[gymthenbeach]

There's a boy in my DS's class who also lives near us... I couple of streets away. Both are 8 years old.
Ever since pre-school his mum has been talking non-stop about his "special needs" and how she's waiting for CAMHS to assess him (not sure what for, I don't ask). But her son and his "problems" are all this mum talks about whenever I (or any of the other school mums) see her. It's never "hi, how was your weekend?"... It's always about her son and his alleged "problems".
I have every sympathy but I have a lot going on in my own life and don't really want to hear about him all the time. It's draining.
Trouble is, this kid has been over to our house a few times to play with my son but is so feral each time, I've had to ask him to leave. Issues include no manners, no respects, snatching things from my DS and other friends who are there (the others are all lovely kids with good manners) and pushing some of the smaller kids around. His language is shocking too, F*k this, F*k that.. Also uses sexually explicit language that no kid of his age should be using.
I've told my son this kid isn't welcome in our home or garden any more and have been clear about my reasons for this. My son agrees, he's not so keen on him anyway.
The kid has taken to hanging around in my front garden, jumping up and down on my (expensive) fence panels and making a nuisance of himself with the elderly housebound neighbour who lives directly opposite me.
I've tried a few times to raise this with the boy's mum but she's very dismissive and resorts to talking about "well, he has this problem and that problem and is under CAMHS" but doesn't really seem to do anything about parenting him and stopping him being such a nuisance.
Feel so fed up of seeing him outside our house and hearing about him. He claims he has "nowhere else to go" whenever I say he can't come in our house or play in our garden. AIBU in saying that's not my problem or my responsibility?

It ( Sugar) absolutely can relate to wild behaviour in some children.
It’s like pouring methylated spirits on a fire 🔥
Nowadays more people seem to look for “ A diagnosis “ than to look at potential failings in their own parenting.

The poor kid. Don't you have any sympathy for him? You sound horrible and unfeeling. Also, the over use of feral on Mumsnet is awful. These are children not animals. Especially if he is NT, it's not his fault.

and whilst I imagine most people would be empathetic, it’s really not ok to allow your child to be a nuisance to other people

so it's OK to just hose him down with ice cold water then isn't it? There was thread on here recently about nice things people have done for perfect strangers to help them out. That was heartwarming, but then you read things like this and realise that there some people who just want to hurt others.

Agree watering is excellent deterrent, just wet, deters fence climbers. So, just before schools out, water your fence.

My problem was cider-from-a-can daytime drinkers who thought my urban front steps were “public property” … I got a concrete pot and a geranium. I kept that geranium
and my front steps watered daily so steps were always wet. They found someone else’s dry steps.

Overwhelmed is great and all but even worse is a ND or ANY child out roaming alone and can get hit by a car or kidnapped and killed horribly.

This. I'm a teacher/ALNCO and I also have a formal diagnosis of ADHD and have worked extensively with autistic children.

The amount of parents who want me to provide a report for their DLA claim, suggesting their child has neurodiversities, with no other evidence from medical professionals, no diagnosis etc, is ridiculous.

Most of these children are very poorly parented and as a result, very badly behaved. The difference between them and actual neurodiverse children is obvious. The parents are only interested in the money that they can potentially get, and are often very forceful and aggressive about it.

The parents of children with real disabilities are mostly concerned parents who want the best for their children and aren't really interested in discussing the money side of things. They are more interested in their child's wellbeing, education and social skills.

It would open your eyes if you could see the number of parents who are desperate for their children to have something medical wrong with them, so they can claim DLA and CA.

You can't get a diagnosis unless you are neurodivergent.

Maybe some parents are failing because there is not support for the parents of ND children.

I have voted that UABU because I think it's unkind to call a child feral.

Sometimes an excuse for poor/ignorant/ lazy parenting. This one fits the bill.

Are you trained in diagnosis? This may be quite school specific. My DH has been headteacher in 4 schools in deprived areas and has only encountered this once.

Yes, Ed Psych background but current role I can only refer, not diagnose. It could well be school dependent, though current school is in a very deprived area.

I didn’t say that did I?

I said he shouldn’t be allowed to be a nuisance, I said nothing about hosing him down.

Theres acres of room in between leaving him be to bother people and hosing him down.

sorry going up, I didn't mean to aim that comment at you as I know you hadn't said anything about sprinkling, but I aimed it at the many posters who jumped on the bandwagon I tried not to include your id in my response. Please accept my apologies.

Honestly OP's priority is her child's wellbeing and safety and not whether this absent parent is overwhelmed. It really isn't anyone else's job to ensure that her kid isn't physically or worse sexually harming another child. If she can't do the basics then her child and the community deserve better. It sounds like this should be going to safeguarding although I'd wager they already know about him ...

You don't have every sympathy.

It’s astonishing how disruptive one child can be.
Often it is just lax or lazy parenting.
Not closely supervising a child of eight, so he’s being a pest to other people is wrong.

No caring parents would allow this.
We all know what an under parented child looks like.

He probably never gets positive attention, and just gets attention by being naughty.

A shocking amount of ignorance contained in one post.

I didn't seek a diagnose for my children in order to absolve myself of parenting them, I did it because they were clearly struggling and having a "label" for their needs gave us a roadmap of how to best support them. Do you also think diabetes, cancer, and epilepsy are labels? No? That's because they're medical conditions, just like neurodevelopmental conditions are. A medical condition is not a "label", it's a formalised diagnosis that allows proper support to be put in place.

My autistic self and my autistic children are very happy and healthy, thank you. Neurodivergence is not a sickness or a shame. I am incredibly grateful for their presence in my life and - as mind boggling as this may be for you to comprehend - I love them just as much as you love your "normal" children (fyi, my children are also normal because autism isn't an abnormality either).

Perhaps you need to locate some empathy before deciding how to proceed with this child.

Totally agree, the only labels on this post are feral, naughty, nuisance, lazy etc

That doesn't help OP though, does it? You can't just be 'overwhelmed' and chuck an
8yo out to roam the streets because you can't cope, especially if he just transfers his overwhelming behaviour to others down the street.

No it doesn't. But moaning about it on here doesn't help either.

No, it doesn't but then neither do suggestions about soaking him with the hose or slamming the door in his face.

Roaming the streets unsupervised and using sexualised language are both safeguarding concerns, report these to school. Include the fa t that he's engaging in anti-spcial behaviour (jumping on your fence, not leaving when asked, etc) and emphasise that you are concerned for his safety especially as he is vulnerable.

Then you need to speak to his mum and tell her that he has been asked to stay away from your house and can she reinforce this with him. She might not like it but it doesn't sound like you're pals anyway. If you get no joy with her then contact your local PCSO (the number should be on your local police force website), they will be able to go around and have a chat with him and his mum about playing somewhere other than outside of your house.

The sexually explicit and swearing language is because his mother and her partners keep using them. So has no idea what words are fine or not.

i bet the mum shouts stop fucking swearing at him.

Safeguarding is EVERYONE's responsibility!

You are not qualified to assess or diagnose.

These are unpleasant things to say on an online forum about the families you are employed to work with.

I have a son with ASD, ADHD and high levels of anxiety. I would never in a million years let him go jumping around a neighbour's front garden, or condone him using swear words and sexually explicit language. It honestly sounds like the Mum has just given up. Does your school have any family liaison officers that visit? It sounds like she would benefit from talking to someone and getting some strategies in place. (It could be years before CAMHS intervenes.)