Feral kid in same class as DS

[gymthenbeach]

There's a boy in my DS's class who also lives near us... I couple of streets away. Both are 8 years old.
Ever since pre-school his mum has been talking non-stop about his "special needs" and how she's waiting for CAMHS to assess him (not sure what for, I don't ask). But her son and his "problems" are all this mum talks about whenever I (or any of the other school mums) see her. It's never "hi, how was your weekend?"... It's always about her son and his alleged "problems".
I have every sympathy but I have a lot going on in my own life and don't really want to hear about him all the time. It's draining.
Trouble is, this kid has been over to our house a few times to play with my son but is so feral each time, I've had to ask him to leave. Issues include no manners, no respects, snatching things from my DS and other friends who are there (the others are all lovely kids with good manners) and pushing some of the smaller kids around. His language is shocking too, F*k this, F*k that.. Also uses sexually explicit language that no kid of his age should be using.
I've told my son this kid isn't welcome in our home or garden any more and have been clear about my reasons for this. My son agrees, he's not so keen on him anyway.
The kid has taken to hanging around in my front garden, jumping up and down on my (expensive) fence panels and making a nuisance of himself with the elderly housebound neighbour who lives directly opposite me.
I've tried a few times to raise this with the boy's mum but she's very dismissive and resorts to talking about "well, he has this problem and that problem and is under CAMHS" but doesn't really seem to do anything about parenting him and stopping him being such a nuisance.
Feel so fed up of seeing him outside our house and hearing about him. He claims he has "nowhere else to go" whenever I say he can't come in our house or play in our garden. AIBU in saying that's not my problem or my responsibility?

He sounds as though he's neglected at the very least. I agree with the PPs who are saying give social services a call.

Some of these posts show absolutely shocking ignorance of neurodiversity.

Parents with ND children would generally far rather have a NT child than benefits, colourings doesn’t cause it and not everyone has some level.

This kid sounds neglected.

It’s hard for you and for your child. As a number of concerns have been, I would probably speak with the school.

Aggressive behaviour, says he has nowhere else to go, sexual language (what context does he use this in OP?) would make me think of trauma or abuse before a SEN problem. I agree with PP you should seek advice from NSPCC about whether it would be appropriate to speak to the school ir SS

Call his mother to come and collect him, I would.

I'm wondering if he's an adopted child with a background of early trauma.

Anti climb paint may be useful too?

I know a kid like this. Completely disrupted the class for all students. We moved DC as the impact on learning for the whole class was severe, but I also feel sorry for the kid as he was obviously struggling and unsupported. Similar language issues and it came out later that he had a lot of access to apps (which he was legally too young for) via his smartphone. His mother was also hopeless and made random complaints about the school.

I would call SS. If he is out unsupervised he is vulnerable to abuse and a professional needs to look at whether this is a reason for some of the language.

Can you take DC out for a while when he is around, in the hope he doesn't latch on to DC/your place.

Wow what a reach. This is how horrible rumours about people start. How on earth did you get to that?

First off if the child does something disruptive on your property you need to take control. If the parent is not disciplining then there is no need to tell tales. Just bollock him out of it a few times and if his behaviour changes then you can tell its discipline related. You can tell him he isn't allowed play in your house because he did XYZ. Be really specific and clear with him. Explain he is responsible for his own behaviour. If he is NT he will understand and you might be doing him a favour.

I wouldn't be totally dismissive of the parent though, some kids really do have serious behaviour issues. It's all very well saying 'My DC has a diagnosis but wouldn't do THAT..' Every child is different. I have 2 boys with the same ND diagnosis and one is a sweetheart, one is very difficult. There were times I really despaired of it, it was embarrassing and stressful and there was no parenting techniques that could change him, he has grown out of most of it but it could have gone either way. I remember attending a parenting course on certain behaviours and hearing ODD being discussed. It was shocking what some parents ensured and I felt lucky by comparison. My Dc had 'ODD traits' but not a diagnosis as such. It sounds like the Mum is obsessed but maybe she is right to be, maybe she is being assaulted daily or is at wits end. Maybe she has no support, (no one ever supports a mum with a difficult child) and really needs to get guidance from someone who has a well behaved child.

Because I'm an adopter of children with early trauma and some of those behaviours can be associated with trauma.

Just to echo PP sexually explicit language at such a young age is a big red flag for abuse. Also the swearing and "nowhere else to go" I'd be worried he's not being looked after at home. Obviously he might just be a little shit but I think I'd report this to social services or at least the school so they can safe guard.

Call the school safeguarding lead about the sexual references. Something is amiss.

"Well if he is using language like that it's safe to assume that is the language he hears at home."

Not necessarily. He could be hearing it elsewhere like in the playground and repeating it around adults whereas the other children know not to

An under parented child.
Sounds like the mother is using “ Special needs” as an excuse not to parent him properly.

No one wants undisciplined kids around them

Sounds like he needs boundaries and proper parenting.

I'm shocked at the number of posters encouraging hosing a little kid who probably can't help what he is, down.
Shocking, cruel and ignorant reaction.

.

"A lot of parents play the sen card and most tbh are fake."

Bingo cards needed.

Agree.
If he was adopted or fostered, his adoptive mother or foster carer wouldn’t be letting him be an unsupervised pest to others.

The way special needs and autism present themselves can vary so differently that actually, the child you're describing could have it and it could be why they're behaving the way they do, due to unmet needs. Developmentally he is behaving like a toddler or child much younger than him, and that could literally be because he has developmental delay due to autism. It is really common to be very behind mentally and developmentally. Obviously there needs to be big changes to how he's parented either way, and she clearly doesn't know how to do it, and neither of us could know if he does have them or not. But I dont appreciate the notion youve created that it's an excuse for bad behaviour. If its difficult for you imagine how it is for her to be living with it

If mum was truly that concerned about his development and any ND issues, he wouldn't be left alone and unsupervised to roam at that age.

She's not. She's just using it as an excuse to not parent him properly.

This is an 8 year old child we're talking about. Why would you want to tell an 8 year old they're not welcome, that's just nasty.

Those bloody kids sat on CAMHS waiting lists, and the feckless parents who are consumed with the fact that their child can’t cope, and they can’t get the right support. They SHOULD be asking how your weekend was, showing a bit more interest in other people.

Absolutely hose him down, or maybe shut the door in his face, or even better make some LOUD comments about his behaviour in the playground

Parents who are struggling to cope, due to underfunded (invisible) services should be publicly shamed.