Feral kid in same class as DS

[gymthenbeach]

There's a boy in my DS's class who also lives near us... I couple of streets away. Both are 8 years old.
Ever since pre-school his mum has been talking non-stop about his "special needs" and how she's waiting for CAMHS to assess him (not sure what for, I don't ask). But her son and his "problems" are all this mum talks about whenever I (or any of the other school mums) see her. It's never "hi, how was your weekend?"... It's always about her son and his alleged "problems".
I have every sympathy but I have a lot going on in my own life and don't really want to hear about him all the time. It's draining.
Trouble is, this kid has been over to our house a few times to play with my son but is so feral each time, I've had to ask him to leave. Issues include no manners, no respects, snatching things from my DS and other friends who are there (the others are all lovely kids with good manners) and pushing some of the smaller kids around. His language is shocking too, F*k this, F*k that.. Also uses sexually explicit language that no kid of his age should be using.
I've told my son this kid isn't welcome in our home or garden any more and have been clear about my reasons for this. My son agrees, he's not so keen on him anyway.
The kid has taken to hanging around in my front garden, jumping up and down on my (expensive) fence panels and making a nuisance of himself with the elderly housebound neighbour who lives directly opposite me.
I've tried a few times to raise this with the boy's mum but she's very dismissive and resorts to talking about "well, he has this problem and that problem and is under CAMHS" but doesn't really seem to do anything about parenting him and stopping him being such a nuisance.
Feel so fed up of seeing him outside our house and hearing about him. He claims he has "nowhere else to go" whenever I say he can't come in our house or play in our garden. AIBU in saying that's not my problem or my responsibility?

Some parents shouldn't be parents.

I think we all have a certain level of it, but we are socially conditioned … my parents were strict. School was strict and we were told what to wear, what time to go to bed etc… children now aren’t socialised in the same manner, don’t get one to one like we did because parents mainly work long hours now to keep up with rising costs… schools are over stretched… kids are on tech, don’t play out, food is also full of stuff that increases the symptoms of hyper activity… we are good clean food, now it’s so processed!…. Lots of factors!

True say .

Voted AIBU for ‘it’s not my problem or my responsibility’. It sounds like this child is being neglected at the very least, and possibly emotionally/sexually abused.

As previous posters have said, you should report to social services and I would also speak to the school safeguarding lead. If he is unsupervised and damaging your property you could also report your welfare concerns re vulnerable child to the police at the time.

If you have a genuine concern about sexualised language and unsupervised play, you are unreasonable to not do anything about it. You should call the nspcc for advice about how to deal with your safeguarding concern.
If you report to the school is just hearsay. You need to report it yourself.

Well if he is using language like that it's safe to assume that is the language he hears at home.

That doesn’t follow at all! DH, aged 5 went to his local village primary with 11 children from reception to Y6. He came home from his first day at school and told his mother to “Fuck off”! I can imagine how shocked she was, as I never heard DH’s parents swear!

Fast forward 30 years, DS came home from his London primary, aged 5 on his first day and told me “Fuck off, you cunt!” I was shocked!

I went into the school and complained. I was told I wasn’t the only one. There was a boy in the class, whose older siblings had thought it funny to teach him to swear!

That can be true, but there are parents who'd rather sit at home with a cup of tea and their phone while their children roam around unsupervised.

I have been diagnosed as an adult with inattentive. I was never a disruptive child (as in naughty or hyperactive) or a whirlwind but I was talkative. Day dreamer. Struggled to pay attention. Couldn't concentrate and I do fidget. Often told so in every damn school report. Probably disrupted other kids talking but I was never ever naughty. I was so keen to be seen as good, I think I masked a lot.

However, looking back on my life, I wish someone had noticed I had it and was different. I wish so much because maybe life would have been better. My hyperactivity is mental more than physical although I do stim.

Anyway I feel for this boy. He might not be neurodiverse but he has a mother who doesn't seem to care where he is or parent him properly. It's very sad.

That's not the op's problem of course. The sexual language is pretty worrying.

Growing up my friends little brother was definitely ADHD.. used to be called hyperactive - he wasn’t allowed any E numbers or colourings…. As long as he didn’t eat crap he was pretty much well behaved. Give him skittles though and all hell broke loose!
I do also worry that tech is over stimulating growing brains, making them impossible to turn off or relax?

Based on:

The Mother saying he has additional needs and is therefore vulnerable

Him roaming the streets alone at 8

The antisocial behaviour affecting property/elderly lady

The sexualised language

I think you would be justified in talking to his school at the very least, and possibly making a safeguarding referral. There’s something called an Early Help Assessment that might be useful to them. And might get Mum more support, too.

Young children don't get that language out of the ether. Speak to the school

It's pretty shit for him though. His mum doesn't want him around so sends him out to play and his friends parents don't want him because for whatever reason he doesn't know how to behave - so he's left on the street with nothing to do. It's not your fault or problem of course but it's pretty shit for him.

Also shit parents can have children with SEN, they may unknowingly have SEN themselves which makes them struggle with parenting, especially a child who is difficult due to SEN. No one should be deciding this child is just a little shit and definitely doesn't have SEN just because his mother can't or won't parent him.

Yes, neurotypical people will feel what we feel, as well all have a brain. But not as extreme or as on the regular as ours does. Our brain pathways are formed differently.

I do reckon a lot of things like processed food do not help the brain as a lot of it is junk. However, this is a neurological condition. We are born with the pathways formed differently. There are ways ADHD can be on scans. So how NT people do things is different to me because a lot of the time, I can't do things in an NT way. I have to find a way that works with my brain.

That's why we don't all have a level of it. If we did, there would be no condition would there? People are so suspicious about things wrong with the brain. But not about a broken leg because you can see it physically.

Well my broken brain can't be seen by you but it's there all the same.

I hope I don't sound rude. I'm just trying to explain from my point of view. Sorry if I have.

When it takes 3+ years to get assessed I don't think you can claim it's laziness for parents to consider or voice that their child may have ADHD without a diagnosis...

I don't think anyone wants a child with autism or ADHD or other neurodivergence. Life is much more of a challenge for them.

I'm so pleased for you your children are happy and healthy. I'm also grateful for my children who have health conditions and are ND.

Perhaps you could work on teaching your children more empathy than you have.

That's not ADHD! It's just a reaction to food additives

I sympathise with you, I had similar problems as a child and teenager - even when older than that. I was forever being told off, accused of being lazy if I didn't do well in school exams and considered a disruptive influence. I rebelled as a teenager by running away from home a few times, sometimes for weeks, and being brought back by the police. Eventually I was sent to a special boarding school for two years and had the same problem there :-). I was constantly browbeaten and humiliated.

Had my environment been different and if I had received more care and attention of the 'right' kind, I might have been better but life is full of i'f onlys'.

As an adult I learned to manage myself and even carved out a modest career but it took time.

Op, I have great sympathy for this boy but he is not the right companion for your child; he is in need of care end protection. The fact that his mother allows him, at the age of eight, to roam the streets and annoy people illustrates that perfectly. However I don't know her circumstances, she may be bringing him up alone and he could have a 'dead-beat' dad, both of which make it very difficult for her. The child is probably beyond her control.

Nevertheless, you are right that it isn't your problem and something needs to be done for this boy before it's too late. Do contact a professional organisation like the NSPCC or social services. They are far better equipped to deal with children like him now than they were in days gone by. I hope he gets the right help, it could make the world of difference. I also hope you get some peace.

I would be very stern, using your best mum or teacher voice ‘stop hanging around outside my house, you are not welcome here and you are worrying our elderly neighbour’
Every time he ignores you walk up to his house and bother his mother by asking her to collect him.
If nothing changes I’d resort to being downright rude to him to get him to leave.

People had it before but it wasn’t known or supported. Just like the same number of people used to be left handed as are currently left handed, but they tried to hide it because it wasn’t acceptable so the stats look lower.

That’s actually not true. A diagnosis and problems, in quotation marks or not, does not equate to DLA. DLA is needs based and required evidence to obtain. Carer’s allowance is only for those with a certain eligibility and who earn very little.

This is not how neurodivergency works.

Agreed. Whether he is under cahms or not she still has to parent her child. And yes sprinklers.

I was muttering 'I'd put the hose on that brat' as I read your comment 😂