Children wearing tails?

[ShepherdMoons]

Dd's friend at drama club has recently started wearing a tail.She sometimes wears ears.It looks quite cute but I also find it a bit odd (they are 11).Dd hasn't asked to wear a tail (yet) but wondering if this might be her next question.I appreciate there's a bit of a trend for this at the moment and seems relatively harmless but I do find it odd.AIBU?

Well...yes. Bluntly.

She isn't an animal. In your shoes, I'd sit her down and tell her it's all gone too far. It's inappropriate for her age, and as a parent you don't think it's doing her any good. I'd offer her different ways of channelling her interests alongside this. Get a pet she can look after, get her involved with volunteering at an animal sanctuary or something.

YouTube would be gone, yes. She shouldn't have been watching those videos to begin with. You can't stop her from hanging around with her friends if they're her friends, but she'd not be going with her costumes. I'd be finding clubs for her to meet other people. And I'd possibly consider therapy, because this kind of behaviour isn't normal.

But it would have been far easier to put your foot down in the first place. You don't "try" to turn her away from it, you just do it. No costumes and the like. You're the parent. You let it get this far so it's up to you to stop it. She's a 12 year old child under your care. Her tech is paid for by you, her visits to places are on you, and her ability to buy these costumes are on you.

Bull sheet

@FooFighter99 ,

I can’t remember all the details but I don’t think you should stop her, just limit and contextualise it.

So, crafting and dressing up is great but you have to be clear that, for you, that is what this is. She is in no way becoming a cat.

In addition, when she is eating, seeing friends (unless they want to play act too), she has to be a human and behave as one.

Also maybe encourage her to try acting in amdram and crafting other things as well.

If parents are worried about sexual predators, then look at internet access. Don't ban kids from imaginative play.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with either pretending to be an animal (or a vampire, in the example mentioned above). Many years ago I was a teenage goth - it's just another type of dressing up and experimenting with identity.

Teenagers are going to express their identities in ways that wind adults up, or make no sense to them. It's normal, and it's been going on forever. The answer isn't to try to dictate kids can't imagine themselves in different ways.

I have a year 8 too and I would be very concerned if my yr 8 was wearing ears, a tail and paws. They are going on 13 and should be behaving accordingly and conforming to a certain extent. They need to be growing up, maturing and living in the real world.

Since you ask, I would be restricting what she can view on the internet. I would be sitting her down and explaining that pretending to be a cat needs to stop now. I would be asking her why she feels the need to do it. And I would absolutely be redirecting her towards alternative extra-curricular activities.

I was a teenage goth, too. But I didn't think I was a vampire. I loved animals. I didn't think I was one.

Sorry, but at the age of 12 dressing up with an animal tail and mask isn't remotely akin to being a goth. It's a regression and really strange. I said earlier in the thread, if you had a new baby and an older sibling started acting like a baby too, you'd think something was amiss and try to give that child more time and reassurance. You wouldn't accept they were a baby.

Even without the fetishism it's abnormal and speaks of MH issues.

I thought the original goth movement was aligned with music though- I don't know as I am too young for that era but i would argue the music aspect male it a pretty regular teen pursuit, regressing to animal costume dress up in the context of a supermarket or park I e not at a fancy dress party is not exactly a regular stage of development.

Also, the people saying that it's good for the imagination. This isn't five year old children.

At age 12 there are so many avenues in which the imagination can be used. Writing short stories, reading, drawing, listening to music, learning an instrument. You could even introduce family D&D nights or see if there's one local for children. Can't say I'm a fan of gaming, but a family video game night would be better than nothing. Join drama groups where pretend play is still a thing, but it's not just running around convincing yourself you're a cat. Costume making. Prop making. Jewellery making. Makeup artistry (of the theatrical sort).

All age appropriate.

Look at the Arts. There's so many creative outlets there and none of them are "dress like a wolf and go and howl in the woods".

@FooFighter99 I also have a 12 year old. It would be thoroughly odd for him to be donning a tail and ears and to be honest I would absolutely stop him going out of the house in them, going to play as a cat. They’re almost teenagers. It’s not age appropriate and it’s not helpful for them to act like this. I wouldn’t stop a 5 year old pretending to be a cat but almost teens? She can craft her ears and her tail in the house but she absolutely wouldn’t be wearing them to go and leap about in the woods in them if she was my child. You say she’s so young she’s only 12 ah bless her I know what she’s doing on her phone and then you say she’s stubborn and wouldn’t do as you asked. So this is where you need to step up. Tough shit if she’s stubborn. You’re in control of the technology. She doesn’t have it if she’s on online furry groups. Its not innocent - you are spectacularly naive

I kept seeing this last year! Tweens with tails!

It's just different to older generations. Doesn't make it wrong. It's hardly "regression" when there's such a large number of teens doing it.

I work in children's mh, I'm not aware of any links with mh issues.

I remember the 1980s and the public outcry from parents about the goths. They thought it was wrong and unnatural, and that kids should be told to stop.

Teenagers generate their own culture. I don't see any harm in it. The risky issue is dc's access to the internet, I think that's where the concern should be focused.

Oh come on. Wearing paws and howling in the woods is the same as a counter culture of music and fashion? Prancing around in a tail is the same as an interest in gothic literature and film?

You don't think it's a mental regression to sit there at the dining table replying to your parents with a miaow? Because this is the kind of thing young kids do when they're...young kids.

Do agree with you on the Internet though. That's concerning. I just see it from both angles; fetishism and a developmental regression.

You tell her that it’s inappropriate and you’d like her to explore other interests. Your discomfort doesn’t absolve you of parenting your child in an appropriate way.

Agree with this.

When I was around...16 or 17? I discovered a particularly risqué philospher/writer. I loved bringing up his works in public, mainly because I was a grotty little shit who enjoyed getting a rise from people.

My dad took me to one side and told me to pack it in. You could tell he hated every minute of that conversation because it was incredibly uncomfortable for him, but he told me with no holds barred that I was making myself look like a wind up merchant, and people were going to think I was weird and not in the good way if I continued.

I bloody stopped!

Different situation, yes, but parents have to be parents. It's our responsibility.

Yes I would absolutely ban her from dressing like a cat, and ban her from using any technology that encouraged this behaviour. I wouldn't prohibit my child from speaking to her friends, though, unless they were grooming her in some unhealthy way to adopt this strange lifestyle.

It's not that complicated to say "no, darling, you are not a cat and you cannot dress like one. It's inapproprite". Part of being a parent is to teach your child societal norms and help them mature. Affirming delusions is actually a massive failure in parenting.

I feel like I don’t live on the same planet as you. I do t recognise your description at all. The adults around me behave like adults (with the odd arsehole). Certainly never seen an adult having a tantrum in the supermarket and I haven’t seen much ‘fun’ going on. Just life. Normal life.

Perhaps in general, but shop workers, teachers and healthcare workers constantly describe how they encounter grown adults acting like childish arses and having silly tantrums. I've never seen such things, but then I don't interact with others very much.

I've saw a man in a skirt with a Foxes style tail hanging down below the hemline.
That was a strange sight.

And this is the type of community that parents such as @FooFighter99 are letting their 12 year old daughters be a part of.

The mind boggles.

I’m sure for the vast majority of kids it’s either because they think it looks cute or they enjoy the kind of play aspect of it. 12/13 is still very young and at this age children seem to be vastly different as they develop at their own pace. It’s so easy to say “they should be like this at 13” but obviously that’s not really the case.

There are always the kids that like more alternative stuff and of course it’s better when adults are horrified by it. For some it’s probably linked to liking anime, art etc.. when I was younger “Trekkies” were a big thing and dressed up like aliens to meet up with other people that liked to do the same.

I would however be extra vigilant with internet access but I would say that to anyone with kids Tbf. It is true that this sort of thing can get very dodgy very quickly online.

I do think that the easiest thing is to limit their internet exposure from day one because it’s very hard to then scale back on, I do feel for anyone who has gone down that hole and is now trying to get out of it. YouTube is banned in our house.

Kids dressing up as animals is a bit odd but no harm (part of being a child is being a bit odd). Kids hanging out in an online furry "community" is potentially very harmful, because that community includes children like your DD that likes dressing up, autistic children that are attracted by the simple cartoon style facial expressions or the sense of belonging, and older teenagers and adults who are interested in it as part of a sexual fetish. And also adults who are interested in it specifically as a way to get access to children they are attracted to.
I am not usually a pearl clutcher but seriously, online furry chatrooms are not a safe "community" for 12 year olds. She will, at the very least, be being exposed to weirdly sexualised discussions etc.

I don't want to see people - adults or children - teenagers- wearing tails and meowing at me. It seems to be an opportunity to get attention to me.

I would not be allowing a dc out and about dressed as a cat unless en route to a fancy dress party. And not wasting time online being egged on to bugger about being a cat.

I have seen a late teen sporting fluffy ears and tail dangling out with parents. Seemed a very young and immature way to behave imo, unless the child had other challenges, the least of their worries being ridiculous ears.

I can honestly say it wouldn't occur to me to allow dc to think its OK to leave the house being a cat on a regular basis or fraternise in person or online with other cat people. Must be quite boring, just a load of miow miow hiss purr miow messages.

My gut feeling is that it's the "identity" thing. A lot of the cosplayers now seem to see it as, not just a fun, slightly silly hobby, but as a whole alternate, true self.

And the thing with the TV shows and RPGs was that mainly they were kind of fun. The fan stuff grew out of that. But most people had other, more "real" lives, with their families, jobs, school ,maybe church or volunteer work. And people understood these things were more "real".

It just doesn't seem very healthy.

Its not about what play is age appropriate. A thirteen year old playig like an 11 year old isn't a big problem. A thirteen year old playing like an 11 year old with a load of "friends" many of whom are older than her, many of whom find this play scratches a sexual itch is decidedly unwholesome.
And the people mentioning goths/alternative fashion. Yes, there were creepy people who would try to chat up the young teens sometimes in e.g. alternative clothes markets or music venues. But we knew they were creeps and were encouraged to see them as creeps by our parents. Not cheerfully waved of "oh you are playing with your community, how lovely" which is basically what happens when parents let their kids do this stuff online.

I know its hard to talk about adult stuff with children because you can be the one that ends up introducing them to dodgy concepts and that's the last thing you want. But surely you have talked to her about online safety, and the fact that there are people out there that are not who they say and who want to do harm? You use the same techniques to talk about the fact that not everyone in the furry "community" is safe and in it for the same reasons (innocent fun) as her. If you have strict parental controls that's great, but it was a bit worrying that you yourself referred to her participating in the online aspect of this as being in a community. And that you saw it as harmless fun.