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Original poster

Twisting truth about work trip

112 replies

Jude628 · 12/09/2024 12:09

Hi,

My husband is going on a "work trip" this weekend. He is military and it is a "training weekend".

However, I noticed in his emails today (his email is logged in on my laptop and I have to switch account, he knows this, I wasn't being sneaky) that said work trip is actually a mixed-sex 'adventure' weekend as part of a ourdoorsy club he has joined. He has paid for it too. Now, this is his thing, and I can see why he lied - because he is just back from a long summer deployment and I'm 8 weeks pregnant, feeling terrible and two other small children, eldest just started school this week, so I wouldn't exactly have been buzzing, but I would never stop him especially if booked before I was even pregnant. The mixed-sex aspect is not really a problem but just made me think "hmm ok then".

The broken trust is the problem and I'm just not sure how to approach it without it becoming a horrible argument. I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that because I don't want to leave the kids and jump out of planes.

What would you do?

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 12/09/2024 12:14

I'd ask him more about his weekend and what's happening, and then tell him you've seen the email and that's a pretty shity thing to do. If he's lying about this, what else has he lied about and then leave the ball in his court? If I were him (although I wouldn't have lied in the first place), I'd be cancelling.

WasThatACorner · 12/09/2024 12:14

Could you be positive about it?

"I saw it's an outdoorsy club, it'll be so good for you to blow of some steam after your deployment. I'm looking forward to taking some time for ..... now that you're back. Lovely that we're here to support each other."

He will know that you know he lied unnecessarily, feel a bit silly and probably not do it again without the need for a big argument.

lemonpepperlady · 12/09/2024 12:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Lulubellamozarella · 12/09/2024 12:42

So I imagine he has lied and said it was a work trip because he knows you won't be able to disapprove of that. This outdoor weekend trip is obviously something he wants to do and maybe feels he needs to do. He knows if he mentioned to you about going you may well have said you don't want him to or you would disapprove or it would have resulted in an argument. Maybe he feels guilty that he is having a 'weekend off enjoying himself' while you are at home with the kids so just thought a lie was easier. You have even said yourself that you can see why he has lied.

Totally not on, and a bit sneaky, so I am not condoning it but I would imagine these are his reasons he has not been totally truthful about where he is going.

There doesn't need to be an argument about it though. I would approach it calmly just mentioning you have seen his emails and know he is not going on a work trip and tell him you feel a bit hurt that he has not told you the truth. Ask him why he felt the need to lie to you about it. Hopefully he can explain in a calm way and you can have an adult discussion about it and it doesn't need to end in an argument.

Good Luck x

NoJamSlags · 12/09/2024 12:47

I scan read that quickly and read he was going on a “sex adventure” weekend instead of “mixed-sex adventure”! Was ready to tell you to LTB! Sorry could not be of more help!

Janeir0 · 12/09/2024 12:47

Outdoorsy club relating to work? Or completely non work related?

NOTANUM · 12/09/2024 12:48

Lying is never a good look but when you’re alone with 2 small kids and in early pregnancy, it’s a very bad look.
Plus he’s been away for work and unless it was a war zone I imagine he had time to himself there too.
YANBU

JustSaltPlease · 12/09/2024 12:50

I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that

wow

MimiSunshine · 12/09/2024 12:53

ACynicalDad · 12/09/2024 12:14

I'd ask him more about his weekend and what's happening, and then tell him you've seen the email and that's a pretty shity thing to do. If he's lying about this, what else has he lied about and then leave the ball in his court? If I were him (although I wouldn't have lied in the first place), I'd be cancelling.

This.

regardless of what he feels are reasonable reasons. He lied and hid it because he knows he’s putting himself before his pregnant wife and two children after working away for a long period is a bit shitty.
therefore he knows his ‘reasonable’ reasons are actually selfish

Dishwashersaurous · 12/09/2024 12:54

I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that because I don't want to leave the kids and jump out of planes.

And yet you are pregnant with number three, which will make life much more challenging for both of you.

I think that you need to have a really honest conversation, not about this weekend but about what being an active engaged parent actually means.

MissUltraViolet · 12/09/2024 12:58

I'd be pissed.

He's been away with work for what, weeks? a month or so? you have been alone with two small children and you're pregnant and he has booked himself an adventure weekend away from you all and lied about it. It isn't a work trip he HAS to go on, it's a fun weekend he has paid to go on.

If you know he resents you/the children because he no longer is able to have the life he wants then why more babies? it sounds like you might have bigger issues than him lying about this weekend tbh.

ForgotThePlantsAgain · 12/09/2024 13:00

Why should she be positive about it? Unless you've really pushed having kids on him he's taking the piss. And lying. I'd be fuming.

Catandsquirrel · 12/09/2024 13:03

Take screenshots/ photos in case of denial.

Approach quite positively, say you've no issues him doing a hobby and appreciate it's been a long 8 weeks all round. However, ask why he felt the need to lie. Tell him there's no judgement, you just did not sign up for a marriage based on this kind of behaviour. What if there had been an emergency, on either side and you had no idea where he was? Don't bring the mixed sex into it, most hobbies are (unless you have a specific suspicion).

I think he deserves a lot more than this for his dishonesty but it's a more subtle approach that will be effective if he's viewing himself as hard done to.

It leaves the conversation re resentment open. His expectations need to change. He's not an 18 year old squaddie. Pray where does he propose you leave the kids to jump out of planes?

ajandjjmum · 12/09/2024 13:05

He's already resentful of the DC and yet you're having another? Doesn't excuse the lying, but was this third baby a joint decision?

Catandsquirrel · 12/09/2024 13:05

ForgotThePlantsAgain · 12/09/2024 13:00

Why should she be positive about it? Unless you've really pushed having kids on him he's taking the piss. And lying. I'd be fuming.

Of course she's fuming but what's the point in a row that he will be semi-anticipating?

HerewegoagainSS · 12/09/2024 13:05

He is resentful of the limitations that having kids is placing on his life but he keeps producing them???
Perhaps he should try contraception. And not lie.

toomuchfaff · 12/09/2024 13:13

Why have more kids when he clearly doesn't want the ones you've got?

To be honest if my husband lied to me and tried to make out he HAD to go on a work trip when in reality it was a jolly he had volunteered for and paid for - that'd be me half way out the door. You're not a partnership, you're not a team. You're the parent and hes another child lying about where hes off too on a weekend.

Pookerrod · 12/09/2024 13:14

If I was in this situation OP I wouldn’t play any games. I would say to my DH that I saw the email, that I get why he lied but that I’m really disappointed that he felt the need to. Military family life is hard enough without all this sneaking around. I’d say I dont want an argument about it but you are upset about the deceit and he needs to understand that.

ladycardamom · 12/09/2024 13:20

That's not twisting the truth! It's a big fat, preconceived lie! Wow. He is a literal sneaky teenager lying about where he is going because he knows he won't be allowed. Immature.

WasThatACorner · 12/09/2024 13:22

ForgotThePlantsAgain · 12/09/2024 13:00

Why should she be positive about it? Unless you've really pushed having kids on him he's taking the piss. And lying. I'd be fuming.

Because OP said she wouldn't have tried to stop him going had he been honest about it.

OP said that while he lied, he didn't do anything to cover it up. If it's a club he has joined with people from work he may have justified it in his mind as not being a lie. Of it were me I would rather not get bogged down by debating how much of a lie he has told and focus on discussing how each of them will be getting some time that they need and how to communicate better.

I would go with a positive approach because it's more likely to lead to him engaging in a useful conversation abouit them both taking time to do things they want and working together to plan this together.

Bananamanlovesyou · 12/09/2024 13:22

just start referring to it as his holiday and see what he says

Foxlovesfruit · 12/09/2024 13:27

I think it's sneaky and selfish of him OP.. yes he's been on deployment for a while but as a mum of two children and 8 weeks pregnant, those weeks alone won't have been a walk in the park I'm sure. Sorry, I just think lying to get a fun time away is dishonest and selfish.

AlertCat · 12/09/2024 13:28

Was he keen on becoming a father and it’s been a disappointment for him? Did you use to go and jump out of planes with him and he misses that between you? It’s not reasonable of him to expect life as a parent to continue exactly as it did when you were child-free, it’s extremely immature and self centred, and lying is as you say a fundamental breach of trust. This is premeditated and presumably (if booked over 8 weeks ago) a continuing deception. That would concern me if it were my H.

Gogogo12345 · 12/09/2024 13:32

He can't either of " just" got back or it been a " long" summer deployment if you are 8 weeks pregnant

I don't see an issue with it tbh. If you are a military wife then used to time apart so one weekend is no odds. And he couldve quite easily booked it before you knew you were pregnant

Pixiewombat · 12/09/2024 13:35

Depends on if he's just away for the weekend then will be back at it parenting or if it's the slippery slope to checking out completely...

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