Twisting truth about work trip

[Jude628]

Hi,

My husband is going on a "work trip" this weekend. He is military and it is a "training weekend".

However, I noticed in his emails today (his email is logged in on my laptop and I have to switch account, he knows this, I wasn't being sneaky) that said work trip is actually a mixed-sex 'adventure' weekend as part of a ourdoorsy club he has joined. He has paid for it too. Now, this is his thing, and I can see why he lied - because he is just back from a long summer deployment and I'm 8 weeks pregnant, feeling terrible and two other small children, eldest just started school this week, so I wouldn't exactly have been buzzing, but I would never stop him especially if booked before I was even pregnant. The mixed-sex aspect is not really a problem but just made me think "hmm ok then".

The broken trust is the problem and I'm just not sure how to approach it without it becoming a horrible argument. I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that because I don't want to leave the kids and jump out of planes.

What would you do?

I'd be checking he's really on the same page as you about a 3rd baby. Might be telling you what you want to hear, rather than what you need to hear.

Are you happy being a wife and mother with an absent husband and father? Unless he is super involved whenever he is around (though it doesn't sound like)
Cause if you are and he provides financially...then no point on starting a fight. Just enjoy your life and your kids.
But he is telling you clearly what his priorities are.

I’d just tell him, tell him it’s a shitty thing for a man who works away to do to his wife who is feeling unwell with the pregnancy he wanted too, and you hope he can look in the mirror because you don’t want to look at him. And that if he keeps opting out of caring for you and being a dad you will fall out of love. Being a mum with a partner who works away is bloody hard so he can fuck off with any pity parties, you’re a mum on your own trying to cope and you will stagger through and look for the support you need from friends and family since he’s not providing it, and if this is the real him, you’ll realise one day you don’t need him.

Anyone else read "sex 'adventure' weekend" and think WHAT??

(sorry op)

Why are women such fucking patsies? He wanted children! He actively engaged in having them! How is this somehow something that OP and the children have to make up to him for? Too fucking right he has to put up with some limitations on sky diving.

Take out a huge life insurance policy on mr. Bestest dad ever and kick him out. You could do better hiring a handyman and a boy toy for sex than trying to make this wanker into a loving husband and father.

@Jude628 have you ever left your children with your husband for a weekend away?

screen shot the details n set as screensaver. or just plain old tell him you know.
You are being incredibly..sweet.(?)avoidant(?) hes booked it,hes lied about it,hes going anyway-whether you approve or not.
I see nothing to argue about-thats the facts.
the worry ,is you all but feel responsible for him needing to lie. !
YOU ARE NOT.hes a big soldier boy?father of (nearly) three and hes pulled a Rat move. thats not how a unit operates. its not a "misunderstanding" intent is key.people will treat you how you let them.

What of your hopes and wishes for a few childcare free hrs?
Assuming it never happens?

When we had one yes, for hen weekends etc. but I am still BFing youngest so I’m not ready to leave her yet. But he would be very supportive.

I think you should just tell him what you said in your post, which is quite reasonable and measured but is clear that this is not great behaviour and you are hurt.

He would be very supportive? I don’t believe that.

If they live in for es accomodation they shed the one that has to leave

I work from home three days a week so I do get the luxury of a quiet house to reset and that’s enough for me right now.

I don’t know if I’d be able to get over this lie. It’s not ‘twisting the truth’ to say he’s going on a work weekend but in reality it is a hobby related weekend away. He has told you a blatant lie, he’s shown quite clearly that he doesn’t respect you.

I wouldn’t be pussy footing around him saying you wouldn’t have minded him going if he’d told you the truth or the like - I’d be letting him know that you don’t appreciate being lied to and dis-respected and will be re-considering things.

Don’t give him a pass to go if he sulkily says he won’t go now - tell him to do whatever he wants and leave it at that. Have a good long thing about your future.

I think I’d be telling him an emergency had come up at work and booking a spa weekend. This does not sound like a marriage where you are acting as a team. In fact, he sounds like a selfish git.

I remember your other thread. Why is there now another baby in the mix?

Why are you having more children with a man who isn't arsed with the ones he has? Nor is he bothered with you by the sounds of it.

I bet to get him to agree to another baby you had to promise to do all the baby and child rearing stuff?

I've not read the full thread, just OP's posts.
I find it hard to reconcile OP saying her DH feels fatherhood has held him back from living the life he wants and that he resents OP with the statement that both of them really wanted this third baby. I don't see how he can genuinely want a third child unless it is to keep OP in a position where he feels she can't leave / have freedom away from the home.

I think if he has lied about his trip - which appears to be essentially a leisure trip - then I would wonder what else he has lied / not been honest and open about. Honest and open people don't lie to or mislead their partners.

If I were OP I would be having a conversation about this trip and finding out exactly what it really is and what it entails. I would want to know why he has not been honest about it. And I would be making it clear that openess and honesty was a requirement for our relationship going forward if the marriage is to work.

I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that

Why did he impregnate you for a third time if he resents you for having his children? Is he incapable of wearing a condom? Is he the type of man who thinks women get pregnant by themselves?

My husband is a great husband and father not that many of you will believe me lol

Very present, very enthusiastic, very caring, very helpful.

yes his job takes him away and it’s wrong that he lied because presumably he think I would disapprove. But it’s about working through it not sacking our marriage off!

You know it and everyone knows it, but people pretend they don't. It is not on for married men/women to spend free time in the company of the opposite sex. Kōbō Abe is clear what will happen in his The Woman in the Dunes.

There are decent hobbies for both men and women which do not involve the opposite sex - for instance, it is not OK to go dancing or rock-climbing where there is tactile contact, but absolutely fine to go hunting or fishing for men and swimming or rock climbing or whatever for women-only company for women.

And broken trust - lying is OK when it is done to spare the feelings of your partner - for example, not telling your dp that somebody came on to you (it will unsettle them and you were not going to encourage their advances, etc.) or you lost a watch/ring they gave you as a present and you will replace it, but in the meantime you are lying 'you left it at work', etc. But lying about such a trip is a major breach of trust, it shows intent.

Pull him up about it, set boundaries, don't let him go, so what he paid for it? He should take you on gentle walks somewhere, you are pregnant, what your body is about to go through is a lot more than his stupid military camp, whatever they (soldiers) may say. Unless he is in combat, he will never experience the ferociousness of childbirth.

So what do you want from this thread?

Just tell him:
'You are an amazing father and I understand you need to get away from us cause YOUR family is stopping your adventures. But i realised you lied...
Please dont do it again as it upsets me. But please, go have fun. Should I get you a packed lunch for the journey? 🙄🤪

Someone who lies to his wife to go on a jolly away is not a good husband.

That's a shit husband who is unable to think about anyone but himself.

"You know it and everyone knows it, but people pretend they don't. It is not on for married men/women to spend free time in the company of the opposite sex."

Utter rubbish.

He's lied, but the bigger issue is that he resents you for children which he has co-produced! That's not good, neither is the fact that you seem to accept his resentment as somehow justified?!

If he lies about this, how do you know there's not other stuff he's lied about?

And is resentment really a good basis on which to build a happy family long term?

What country are you from, or are you just from the 1950s?