Twisting truth about work trip

[Jude628]

Hi,

My husband is going on a "work trip" this weekend. He is military and it is a "training weekend".

However, I noticed in his emails today (his email is logged in on my laptop and I have to switch account, he knows this, I wasn't being sneaky) that said work trip is actually a mixed-sex 'adventure' weekend as part of a ourdoorsy club he has joined. He has paid for it too. Now, this is his thing, and I can see why he lied - because he is just back from a long summer deployment and I'm 8 weeks pregnant, feeling terrible and two other small children, eldest just started school this week, so I wouldn't exactly have been buzzing, but I would never stop him especially if booked before I was even pregnant. The mixed-sex aspect is not really a problem but just made me think "hmm ok then".

The broken trust is the problem and I'm just not sure how to approach it without it becoming a horrible argument. I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that because I don't want to leave the kids and jump out of planes.

What would you do?

I possibly wouldn't go ahead with the pregnancy. You have to ask him about it. If your marriage is winding down, you should be preparing for that.

Why are you having a 3rd child when you know he resents being a father.

If he's been away for a while then surely all the more reason to want to spend time with his family?

Except he doesn't want to spend time with his family. He wants to do his own thing.

Honestly it sounds like he's checked out of family life and you/the children are NOT his priority and I'm afraid to say it will only get worse with another child on the way.

I think if you want to say with him you're going to have to accept his ways because he isn't going to change.

I think an argument is appropriate here tbh.

That is more than a white lie, that's full-on deceit.

So he's going on a holiday with strangers and leaving you home alone. And he's lying about it and possibly making you feel sorry for him because it's work.

You could pack his stuff when he's gone. Joking, not joking 🙃

I would do a bit of research on the group - what is it? And see how far is he prepared to go with the lie?

Lying is covering it up though? He lied so he's in the wrong where I'm standing. Really selfish.

I personally wouldn't play games - he is your husband and you know he is taking advantage of you whilst you are newly pregnant and have a couple of other kids to look after. I would say exactly what you said in this post. If you cant speak to him - then just, send him a link to this thread.

That sounds really horrible for you to have to deal with. Have you got any fmaily around that you can go and stay with for the weekend?

X

Just to clarify, I completely agree that he has lied and is 100% in the wrong.

It felt to me from reading the OP like the question was more about how to approach the conversation without it becoming an argument that solves nothing.

To PP saying it deserves an argument.....Yes, but my personal preference in that situation would be to approach with a plan to make my point and reach a solution rather than open myself up to drama from the other party. Argue smarter, not louder.

OP doesn't seem to be under any illusions about this being shitty behaviour from DH.

He has lied and pretended he's working when he's going on holiday. He has no conscience deceiving you if it means he gets what he wants. There's no trust so I'd say there's no real marriage left.

We both want a third but he does sometimes struggle with not pursuing the things he used to do, which I think is human. It doesn’t make him any less of a father. So I think the guilt of having a child free, hobby filled weekend made him make the decision to lie.

An abortion for a very wanted and longed for baby is out of the question.

Sounds like he wants a third as long as someone else does the work. Pretty common for ego-driven men.

Be careful. You're the anchor, drudge, keep the home fires burning. Which he wants but appears not to fully value. There are other, fun, women out there abseiling and bungee-jumping and so so fun. Because they don't have three small children and a less than partnering partner. If you wanted to create an environment for cheating, that's a pretty good one.

Gosh I absolutely would not tolerate a lie of that magnitude. That would be very major argument in our house. A big lie like that would make me wonder what else has he or will he lie about?

Thank you- I knew I would get mixed responses on here 😬

The lying is sad because I wish my husband knew that I do support him having a life beyond work and being a father. But I have probably been too negative about that in the past because he is deployed quite a lot. So I want to nail the “you lied and that’s wrong but I want to make sure you don’t feel like you need to lie again.”

He is a 50% contributor to him being in the throws of "fatherhood" so if he feels that being a father has held him back from partaking in risky activities and that he resents you, the other 50% person in him becoming a father then you have much bigger issues than just a weekend away.

He is a father, an adult and he has to be a parent to these kids and not simply a DNA donor.

I would have little sympathy for someone who held such beliefs while his life partner is pregnant (again, due to his contributions there) and he's feeling hard done by???
Seriously, he needs to get a firm grip on the reality that is his married life with family.

What if something were to happen to him while he's partaking of these risky adventure filled weekends away or jumping out of a plane or white water rafting or whatever - you become a widow and his kids lose their father. Can he not take part in less risky activities instead?

The thing is, I don't think there's an argument to be had. He's lied. You have evidence. Discuss why this has happened. What outcome do you want, what needs to change? Tell him. listen to his perspective if he's struggling. He absolutely needs to hear yours. Marriage counselling? I'd suggest it after you've talked. Lying to disappear for a weekend is serious business. was there alcohol involved in this weekend? A mature and reasoned discussion is needed if you want to maintain the marriage rather than walk away from a liar and you're going to have to be the one that opens it as you've discovered his lie.

100% this.

Please look in to birth control if he won't and I'm getting the vibes that he really won't.

You're thinking about what you want to communicate and how best to do that.

Lying is hard to accept because it raises so many questions. Hopefully after you've had a chat you will both feel a bit more connected. I don't have any experience of being a military spouse but I would say that any time DW and I have had a period without the chance for together time (work / kids / caring responsibilities) there needs to be a bit of a rejig and sometimes one of us needs to give our head a wobble. It isn't because we stopped caring about the other, just we both got into a vibe of getting on woth our own bits.

I'd hit the roof! Fuck being positive about it and fuck whether he 'needs' it! No one needs a weekend away with their mates when they have an unwell wife in early pregnancy and two other small children.
He's a selfish dick and a liar. You deserve better and you should demand it. No husband if mine would be going on that trip and remaining married to me.

Or just stop having sex with him now you have seen the light.

And he didn't need to lie - he chose to. Because it's easier.
You are risking g a lot in having another baby with a man who doesn't want to curtail his life. You'll be the drudge at home, tied to the kids and he'll be having all the fun out there in the world, without you. That's not how marriage and family life is meant to be.

He obviously lied as he thought you'd quite rightly feel a bit abandoned. I don't really have any advice. But I feel for you. It must be hard being with someone who's job is such a big part of their identity. And obviously is dangerous and they're away for such a lot of the time.
I hope you've a good network of friends and family you can rely on and speak to.
Definitely tell him you knew he's lied and ask him why. Obviously make it clear that approach will never make things better.

OP you're worrying about having an open and honest conversation about needs and wants and balance and fairness.

He didn't bother doing that. He just lied to your face. Because it was an easy way to get what he wanted.

Yes this would worry me

It makes him a lot less of a father. How many times over your kids lives do you think he will opt out because it just isn’t fun enough?