Twisting truth about work trip

[Jude628]

Hi,

My husband is going on a "work trip" this weekend. He is military and it is a "training weekend".

However, I noticed in his emails today (his email is logged in on my laptop and I have to switch account, he knows this, I wasn't being sneaky) that said work trip is actually a mixed-sex 'adventure' weekend as part of a ourdoorsy club he has joined. He has paid for it too. Now, this is his thing, and I can see why he lied - because he is just back from a long summer deployment and I'm 8 weeks pregnant, feeling terrible and two other small children, eldest just started school this week, so I wouldn't exactly have been buzzing, but I would never stop him especially if booked before I was even pregnant. The mixed-sex aspect is not really a problem but just made me think "hmm ok then".

The broken trust is the problem and I'm just not sure how to approach it without it becoming a horrible argument. I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that because I don't want to leave the kids and jump out of planes.

What would you do?

Did he go OP? I hope you managed to get it resolved with him.

The broken trust is the problem and I'm just not sure how to approach it without it becoming a horrible argument. I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that because I don't want to leave the kids and jump out of planes.

What on earth are you having a 3rd for then?

I'd be questioning him about the trip - see what else he lies about and more importantly WHY.

It is your marriage no one else can say what they would do unless this is something they have been through themselves. Lying is never the answer but it is understandable that he may feel like an adventure weekend is his way of resetting but you also need support from him pregnancy is hard but harder again with two little ones.
Could you talk to him tonight about this?
Do you know what you want to say and how you want it to land so to speak?
If not I would think about it firsthand an argument is all well and good but it doesn't solve anything in the long run. Plus it's energy and stress you don't need xx

How long was your husband away on deployment? And how long will he have been back before going on his weekend away? I ask because, a deployment is not a walk in the park in a lot of cases. It's full on, the majority of the time and depending on the type of deployment and where, it can be stressful. Sometimes, when people are in the armed forces, police, fire brigade, they need downtime, that completely allows them to decompress. It's their way of coping with what situations they may face at work. However, that doesn't excuse the fact he lied, and tried to make out it was a work training exercise. You do need to be honest with him, in a calm manner and ask why he lied. He's a grown adult, he shouldn't be behaving like a teenager, sneaking around.

Mixed sex weekend sounds fun 😉 ask if you can go along too!

A lie is a lie is a lie.

Why did he have 3 kids then if he wanted the single lifestyle ?

I haven't read through all the comments, I hope you've managed to have a chat and sort it out with him.

Personally, I can understand why he would have lied about it. I certainly don't condone it, and I'd be hurt by the lie, but I understand it.

I think once we have children we have a tendency to view ourselves as parents and that's it, but we're allowed to want to be able to do things away from that. It's ok if he wants to jump out of planes if that's his thing, I don't believe having children should stop that, it's a pretty safe thing to do these days so no one is being hurt there. Down time is good!

All the slack he's getting for resenting you for having children I think is a bit unfair. Resentment and saying he doesn't want the kids he has is harsh. Im sure he loves his children, and I'm sure he doesn't resent you for it, but yes, I imagine there probably are times that he wishes he could do things a little more easier than it is with 2 young children. I don't resent having my children but there have been times where I've wanted to do something but having children has held me back, and yes, I've been disappointed. But that's not resentment, and I imagine that's more than likely what the case is for your OH.

Let him have his weekend away without the agro, and remember to do things like this for yourself too, perhaps book a spa weekend with some close friends, it would be something to look forward to for you too.

Whatever has come from this, I hope you've worked it out, good luck OP!

Deep down, he probably feels bad about leaving and going when you are struggling thats why he hasn'ttold you. But not enough to cancel....
OP you can either ride this wave,and let this slide until he matures, or confront him which could lead to him leaving. Its a tough choice

This would be a deal breaker for me.
He hasn't twisted the truth, he has blatantly deceived you.
If you can't be honest and open with each other in a marriage then what is the point?
How will you trust him again?
If he feels that you and the children are holding him back in life he's clearly not invested in being a husband or a father, things will only get worse as resentment builds.
You need to have this out with him.

I mean it’s absolutely not on is it? He clearly still wants to live the single life and it’s upto you whether you want to put up with that or call quits on what appears to be a not very happy marriage.
If you stay with him, as soon as he’s back please book yourself a weekend away without the kids at the very least.

Hi.
As an ex military wife I have experience of this first hand and am completely behind you in how annoying this kind of stuff is.
But, what most others don’t understand is that all this extra curricular stuff is mega important for his SJAR and any possibility of promotion and to be honest this bullshit is one of the main reasons my husband signed off because we had 3 kids and I was absolutely sick to death of being stuck at home while he swanned off all the time with no notice and he was missing out on being a present parent.
I would ask him how this trip will impact any future chance of promotion or if it is just adventure training and then have a chat about priorities, I’m sure you already know you come second to the military but if he isn’t pushing for promotion then tell him you need him to prioritise you and the kids while he’s not deployed or in exercise.
If he truly feels resentment towards you because he’s now a father with non thrill seeking responsibilities then you need to move on and start rebuilding your life without him.