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Original poster

Twisting truth about work trip

112 replies

Jude628 · 12/09/2024 12:09

Hi,

My husband is going on a "work trip" this weekend. He is military and it is a "training weekend".

However, I noticed in his emails today (his email is logged in on my laptop and I have to switch account, he knows this, I wasn't being sneaky) that said work trip is actually a mixed-sex 'adventure' weekend as part of a ourdoorsy club he has joined. He has paid for it too. Now, this is his thing, and I can see why he lied - because he is just back from a long summer deployment and I'm 8 weeks pregnant, feeling terrible and two other small children, eldest just started school this week, so I wouldn't exactly have been buzzing, but I would never stop him especially if booked before I was even pregnant. The mixed-sex aspect is not really a problem but just made me think "hmm ok then".

The broken trust is the problem and I'm just not sure how to approach it without it becoming a horrible argument. I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that because I don't want to leave the kids and jump out of planes.

What would you do?

OP posts:
GreatMistakes · 12/09/2024 15:42

I don't know what to say OP. I honestly just feel defeated reading your post.

Normally I'd say have it out with him but I think things just one example of many that will happen over the next 5 years until you've had enough and call it a day.

You're not wrong to be upset. But i don't think you'll be any better off after talking about it. He feels exactly as you've said: that family life is an inconvenience. And you can't make him want to be an enthusiastic husband and father. Just very sad.

thestudio · 12/09/2024 15:46

Women telling other women how to tiptoe around their DH's dishonourable behaviour allows men to continue to be able to behave dishonourably.

If calling him out on his lie will result in 'a row' - by which you probably mean him raising his voice and being verbally aggressive and you feeling obliged to defend yourself even though he's in the wrong - then he's not just a lying prick, he's an abusive lying prick.

GreatBigCat · 12/09/2024 15:46

I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that

He RESENTS you for having children? Are you hearing what you are saying here!? You are again and again making excuses for him LYING to your face. What an absolute doormat you are. No way in hell would I want a husband who lies because it’s easier than telling the truth. And yet you think he is amaaaazing, and are having another child. Why do some women put up with this shit, why is your bar so low. It’s sad.

Fluufer · 12/09/2024 15:47

I'm not quite sure why you're being so "understanding" op. He was planning on lying to you about his whereabouts for days. He was going to come home and lie about the "work trip". He was going to come home and lie about what he had been doing, and who he was with.
This is not a small thing. It isn't "twisting the truth". It is a series of big, sustained lies.

InSpainTheRain · 12/09/2024 15:47

I would want an honest conversation about it and tell him you saw the email. I'd also ask him if he wants a third child.

GreatBigCat · 12/09/2024 15:55

InSpainTheRain · 12/09/2024 15:47

I would want an honest conversation about it and tell him you saw the email. I'd also ask him if he wants a third child.

OP wants a third child, even though she is still breastfeeding the second one and even if it means he doesn’t love her enough to be honest to her. Because you don’t lie to someone you care about.

But OP thinks it’s much easier to close her eyes to it all. God knows what she even wanted with this thread, when she thinks her life and marriage is amazing.

MammaGisAF · 12/09/2024 16:07

you lied and that’s wrong but I want to make sure you don’t feel like you need to lie again
He won’t stop lying he’ll just hide it better next time. If you want to stay with someone like that, it’s up to you. 100% if you confront him, it’ll be your fault he felt he had to lie.

GalileoHumpkins · 12/09/2024 16:08

You know it and everyone knows it, but people pretend they don't. It is not on for married men/women to spend free time in the company of the opposite sex. Kōbō Abe is clear what will happen in his The Woman in the Dunes

Is this satire? Please tell me it is.

IWasHittingMyMarks · 12/09/2024 16:20

I would ask him quietly how he would feel if you told him you needed to take a long weekend away for a work trip for essential training and additional qualifications so you could do your job properly, and he was going to cover all your shared responsibilities at home so you could do this, and then he found out by accident that you'd lied and you were actually going away to have fun with your friends. How would he feel.

THen wait for his answer.

He has broken your trust. And I would struggle to believe anything he said after this. Not a good place for a relationship, let alone a marriage with young children, when you're struggling with an early pregnancy and two little ones alone much of the time to further his career.

LordEmsworth · 12/09/2024 16:32

How are you going to "work through it" if you can't even talk to him without it becoming "a horrible argument"?

And how is outright lying "twisting the truth"?!

I'd just drop it into conversation e.g. "I'm popping to the shop, do you need me to pick anything up for your [whatever activity] weekend?" and leave it there. Completely non-confrontational, makes it clear you know, leaves it open for him to admit it or carry on the deception.

Actually that's me lying, I'd tell him not to bother coming home till he was ready to apologise for lying and promise not to lie to me again because he understands why I don't like being lied to.

Noseybookworm · 12/09/2024 16:36

I wouldn't be happy about the lying. It's an outright lie and not a twisting of the truth. You are obviously going to have to confront this and tell him that your marriage will only work if he's honest with you. I'd be wondering what else he's lied about!

GivingitToGod · 12/09/2024 16:38

Pookerrod · 12/09/2024 13:14

If I was in this situation OP I wouldn’t play any games. I would say to my DH that I saw the email, that I get why he lied but that I’m really disappointed that he felt the need to. Military family life is hard enough without all this sneaking around. I’d say I dont want an argument about it but you are upset about the deceit and he needs to understand that.

Spot on. This requires an honest conversation OP in the interests of your wellbeing and mental health. You are feeling very vulnerable right now and need support. I hope you have close friends and family

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 12/09/2024 16:40

Tell him you know he lied and you're pissed off about it. And that if he feels so guilty about buying himself a fun weekend that he chose to lie to you - that's because the grown up inside him knows it's a bloody selfish thing to do!

Nogaxeh · 12/09/2024 16:46

JustSaltPlease · 12/09/2024 12:50

I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that

wow

Yeah. That stood out to me too.

The cynic in me is pretty confident he's going to hit it off with a thrill-seeking woman at this club, and the OP will be left as a single mother with three kids.

Acornsoup · 12/09/2024 16:50

I could not ignore the planning and lying that went into this trip.

It's not a spur of the moment. It is planned and paid for. He's not even like he is just not telling you OP. He is lying to your face. Actual lies about where his is going and who he will be with.

He's doing it because he knows it is wrong but he feels entitled to anyway. What does this group do that is so exclusive and you could go together? Why does he feel the need to lie?

GreatBigCat · 12/09/2024 17:18

Men who lie so easily about smaller things are the the worst. Because they never stop lying, it’s in their nature.

Catch him in a lie, he will just tell another. Because he feels above you.

tolerable · 12/09/2024 18:40

@GreatBigCat .its not just men.
anyone who lies does it-because they can. i despise lies and liars

tolerable · 12/09/2024 18:44

@Jude628 .its about you putting up with it,finding a reason for his shite behaviour and treating you like a twat .Am sorry- cos its harsh but hes an arsehole who hs and will do what he wants when he wants and you are being naive/purposefully forgiving and understanding. he already booked n paid for it.if he lies about that what else is he "twisting"?seriously

MrRobinsonsQuango · 12/09/2024 18:46

It’s lovely you have both had a fun summer with your careers and following your respective interests. With you both supporting each other! Oh, wait…

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2024 20:11

Jude628 · 12/09/2024 15:26

My husband is a great husband and father not that many of you will believe me lol

Very present, very enthusiastic, very caring, very helpful.

yes his job takes him away and it’s wrong that he lied because presumably he think I would disapprove. But it’s about working through it not sacking our marriage off!

he lied because presumably he think I would disapprove.

And there's a missing bit at the end.

he lied because presumably he think I would disapprove and decided that he would rather lie to me than have a difficult conversation, change his plans or respect me enough to think I would be OK with it.

He decided to make the decision for your whole family and leave you out of it. And you want to communicate in a way that will fit the information in his head correctly, without upsetting him and making him think he's really unreasonable. Why does he deserve that consideration and respect when he doesn't offer you the same?

GreatBigCat · 13/09/2024 10:32

tolerable · 12/09/2024 18:40

@GreatBigCat .its not just men.
anyone who lies does it-because they can. i despise lies and liars

True.

pikkumyy77 · 13/09/2024 12:02

As usual @MrsTerryPratchett nails it.

Welshmonster · 17/09/2024 08:36

I would ask him. He chose to have kids so can’t resent the consequences of that. What else does he lie about?

yes he gets deployed and is away from family but he gets to live the single life away without the daily grind of getting everyone ready etc.

what else will he lie about? Is this weekend meeting with people you know who are in relationships etc or other single people who may be looking for something extra.

Pinkcountrybumpkin · 17/09/2024 11:55

It’s shitty of him to lie, but I literally cannot fathom why you are having a third child with this man?!

Purplepenguin2024 · 17/09/2024 17:07

In my experience- a lot of military personnel think anything arranged through work/related to work/with people from work is the same as work - be that adventure weekends, going to the gym or attending mess functions. Not that I’m condoning him not being fully open with you but possibly more of an ‘oversight’ than a lie - especially as he is aware you can view his emails. The fact that you assume he has lied, that this has broken your trust, that you feel the need to mention it being a mixed gender trip and you comment on him resenting you - makes me think there’s more to this then you have explained in your OP.

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