Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Responding to fair but badly delivered criticism

176 replies

darerowow · 12/09/2024 04:40

I got promoted at work last year, in a heavily male dominated industry.

There was a lot of resentment from the guys but I got promoted because I’m the hardest working one on the team.

The promotion includes running a client facing conference type event every other week, as that’s quite a prestigious thing at my company and very sought after.

Just before the last conference, I had a call to say my son had been sick at school. I hurriedly arranged my mum to pick him up and then went to host the conference. It was a stressful 30 mins getting it sorted before the event.

Needless to say, my head wasn’t quite in the game and it wasn’t my best presenting. It was nothing terrible and the clients probably wouldn’t have noticed, but I know it wasn’t my best work.

I’ve just had a paragraphs long email from a guy on the team (disliked by many) about how badly I did, and giving me advice on doing it better next time. This guy is more junior than me but has been around years.

I politely responded and said I knew it hadn’t gone well, my son had been sick and I was distracted, and thanks for the feedback.

He then sent THREE MORE Teams
messages about how that can happen to anyone and it’s no excuse and continued to criticise my presenting and give more unsolicited advice. He used the words “very poor etiquette” in two of the emails because I’d forgotten to introduce another speaker in a particular way. Again, this was really just a product of how stressed I was about my son being sick.

He isn’t wrong, it wasn’t a great event and I already felt shit about it, but the stream of criticism is really weighing on me.

How do I respond now? My manager also thoroughly dislikes this guy and I know will sort it out if I ask him, but that seems petty and immature. Plus I’m not sure I want to highlight to my manager (who wasn’t there) that I wasn’t on good form in the meeting!

OP posts:
Gremlinsateit · 12/09/2024 04:43

An email plus 3 messages? Forward to your manager as an fyi. If I were your manager, I would want to know.

Hobnobjob · 12/09/2024 04:47

Ask him "what is the purpose of your emails, John?"

Put it back on him. Because if he can't explain why he feels he's the one that needs to tell you all this negative feedback, the only other answer is he's a bully. And cc your manager in, so he knows somebody is onto him and that you don't give a shit about his "feedback"

Overtheatlantic · 12/09/2024 04:48

I would ignore. Do not engage with him any further, but don’t forget this either.

CuriousGeorge80 · 12/09/2024 04:51

Honestly, I think after the first one I probably just wouldn’t bother responding and would let my boss know as an FYI (being clear I wasn’t asking boss to do anything).

Another possible option would be to just respond “noted”.

Final one I might go for if I was 200% sure that my boss would back me would be to reply something like “David, I’ve already acknowledged that there were issues and have discussed them directly with Boss already. I am amazed that you feel it in any way appropriate to send me four messages on this matter in the tone that you have. I would strongly encourage you to take this opportunity to reflect on how you provide feedback.”

Calamitousness · 12/09/2024 04:54

I would speak to this man face to face and tell him that you value feedback, however you’ve heard his view on one occasion you presented and that wasn’t representative of your performance in your role. You do not need any more feedback from him and he’s got no information to share that you don’t know. Then say thank you and walk away. Be blunt and to the point. If you can’t do face to fade then send the same in an incredibly polite message. But shut him down and remind him you’re good at your job and this is not needed from him.

Fraaahnces · 12/09/2024 04:57

Send to HR. That’s harrassment.

Original poster
darerowow · 12/09/2024 05:02

Fraaahnces · 12/09/2024 04:57

Send to HR. That’s harrassment.

The thing is it wasn’t bad advice. It was decent advice that I wish I’d had the presence of mind to apply that day. The delivery and the bombardment though, is so inappropriate.

OP posts:
Whatatodo79 · 12/09/2024 05:05

Don't engage. Ignore it. He is powerless here, don't make it seem like he isn't. Delete, move on. You've done enough already

Cherryana · 12/09/2024 05:10

You have to deal with this at face value. But what is this guys intention?

a) to make you feel insecure
b) because he is bitter and wants to take a swipe at you
c) he is a complete arse

Either way - it was not from some altruistic this is for the good of the company and your career development.

Stop being so magnanimous and it was fair feedback. I was distracted etc.

He is being inappropriate, condescending and being very disrespectful to you.

Other posters have given good advice on what to say/write to cut this off.

FancyNewt · 12/09/2024 05:14

You said the client wouldn't have noticed so it couldn't have been that bad.

I think you are giving this person's opinion too much power. I would go back to him and ask to speak to him in person so you can tell him he is behaving inappropriately. His initial feedback was not necessary as it's not his role to give it and the client was happy. The further feedback has now crossed a line and it will be escalated if he doesn't stop.

His initial comment was testing your boundary. You caved by bowing down to him and not just putting him in his place. He's then continued as he's getting a power kick from it. I bet he wouldn't do this to a man.

FancyNewt · 12/09/2024 05:15

And if you're in a male dominated environment don't use your kid being sick as a reason to tell people you are off your game even if it's true. It will be used against you.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 12/09/2024 05:18

Colleague, your initial feedback was fair, however, it would have more appropriate to come from my supervisor. Your next three messages are bordering on harassment. Please stop.

If it doesn’t stop, either ignore or go to HR.

TeachesOfPeaches · 12/09/2024 05:19

You don't have to justify yourself to him, don't engage

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2024 05:22

He sounds envious that you got the job and is picking at you, undermining your confidence. In giving him a reason, he thought he could keep going. I would be nipping this in the bud right now and look at what you invite into your life. No more explaining. You don’t necessarily need to involve your manager right if you don’t want to. I like the idea of putting it back on him. I used to live in Germany. The Germans are more direct and this sort of unsolicited advice could be met with ‘did I ask for your opinion?’.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2024 05:28

Teams? This is what 👍 was invented for.

CallItLoneliness · 12/09/2024 05:29

One comment, which you acknowledged and thanked him for, is fair. After that it's harassment or bullying, and bordering on discriminatory too given the reason for your (slight) underperformance. Does he report to you, your boss, or someone else? I'd report his behaviour to them, and make it clear you expect it not to continue.

CheekyHobson · 12/09/2024 05:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2024 05:28

Teams? This is what 👍 was invented for.

Seconded.

mrschocolatte · 12/09/2024 05:40

I would respond with ‘Your feedback has been noted’.

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 12/09/2024 05:45

“You have provided extensive feedback on this topic, which I have acknowledged. I think we can now bring the discussion to a close”.

MayaPinion · 12/09/2024 05:55

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2024 05:28

Teams? This is what 👍 was invented for.

This is the best response. Shuts him down. Don't apologise, don’t try to defend yourself. He’s doing it to undermine and intimidate you. It’s verging on bullying. I used to work with someone like this. Every time I responded to a critical email she’d just respond with ‘…and another thing…’ She’d work herself up into a right frenzy. So I just started ignoring them, or doing the thumbs up.

Dibbydoos · 12/09/2024 06:00

Discuss them with your manager. The points he raised, how you can accomodate them, but that some of the criticism is unwarranted or excessive. You don't want your manager to act yet.

I would tell him, you've read his messages, understand the sentiment behind them andI'vhave discussed what he said with .... (your manager) too. It's all in hand.

If he continues to message ask your manager to step in, unless this guy works or reports to you. If he does you need to manage this first and close him down. Get advice on how best to do this from your manager or another manager you respect.

Wolfpa · 12/09/2024 06:06

Have you spoken to him face to face? Written communication is often read more negatively than it is intended.

stripybobblehat · 12/09/2024 06:07

CuriousGeorge80 · 12/09/2024 04:51

Honestly, I think after the first one I probably just wouldn’t bother responding and would let my boss know as an FYI (being clear I wasn’t asking boss to do anything).

Another possible option would be to just respond “noted”.

Final one I might go for if I was 200% sure that my boss would back me would be to reply something like “David, I’ve already acknowledged that there were issues and have discussed them directly with Boss already. I am amazed that you feel it in any way appropriate to send me four messages on this matter in the tone that you have. I would strongly encourage you to take this opportunity to reflect on how you provide feedback.”

This and cc your boss

Rafting2022 · 12/09/2024 06:19

You shouldn’t have responded in the first place or felt the need to justify yourself in any way.

The only people who would have been owed any feedback would be the client and/or your manager but they obviously haven’t mentioned anything.

Nexr time remember JADE - never justify, apologise, defend or explain.

And this guy needs a warning shot firing across his bows.

Appleblum · 12/09/2024 06:24

Wow it's not hard to see why he's disliked by many. Agree with the previous posters, either ignore or reply with 👍

I would take a screenshot of the messages and keep them as evidence should you need them further down the line.