Responding to fair but badly delivered criticism

[darerowow]

I got promoted at work last year, in a heavily male dominated industry.

There was a lot of resentment from the guys but I got promoted because I’m the hardest working one on the team.

The promotion includes running a client facing conference type event every other week, as that’s quite a prestigious thing at my company and very sought after.

Just before the last conference, I had a call to say my son had been sick at school. I hurriedly arranged my mum to pick him up and then went to host the conference. It was a stressful 30 mins getting it sorted before the event.

Needless to say, my head wasn’t quite in the game and it wasn’t my best presenting. It was nothing terrible and the clients probably wouldn’t have noticed, but I know it wasn’t my best work.

I’ve just had a paragraphs long email from a guy on the team (disliked by many) about how badly I did, and giving me advice on doing it better next time. This guy is more junior than me but has been around years.

I politely responded and said I knew it hadn’t gone well, my son had been sick and I was distracted, and thanks for the feedback.

He then sent THREE MORE Teams
messages about how that can happen to anyone and it’s no excuse and continued to criticise my presenting and give more unsolicited advice. He used the words “very poor etiquette” in two of the emails because I’d forgotten to introduce another speaker in a particular way. Again, this was really just a product of how stressed I was about my son being sick.

He isn’t wrong, it wasn’t a great event and I already felt shit about it, but the stream of criticism is really weighing on me.

How do I respond now? My manager also thoroughly dislikes this guy and I know will sort it out if I ask him, but that seems petty and immature. Plus I’m not sure I want to highlight to my manager (who wasn’t there) that I wasn’t on good form in the meeting!

Don’t give it any more headspace. Note the useful feedback and delete them. Move on. He’s trying to undermine you. Do not let him.

Love this

This doesn’t sound as though that is the case here. If it were the “feedback” would have been expected and given in an appropriate manner according to company HR protocols for appraisal.

Yep this is exactly how I respond to condescending men..teams is definitely good for something

Yeah, hence my response, above. 👆

Just a thumbs up

I would lie in wait like a yellow eyed snake and knack him the first chance I got though

OP, another vote for the thumbs-up sign. Do not take it to your boss. You don't want your dickhead colleague to start bandying it about that you had to go running to your boss to sort it out. It comes across as weak. Which I am sure you are not. Reset and forget. And congratulations on your promotion.

OP his behaviour is horrible and as pp have said forward these messages to your manager and ask for their feedback and stop responding to your junior colleague because this is sounding like harrasment now.

On a practical note is there a dad on the scene or a helpful grandparent? If there is then perhaps request that they take on the responsibility of organising unexpected childcare on important days. Your child obviously comes first and if you have to deal with things then fair enough. However, we are never going to acheive full equality in the workplace if childcare always defaults to mum.

You can do thunbs up on any platform from your phone can't you, not just teams
Thumbs is the perfect polite fuck off!

I would do this.

I’m worried that the 👍 might be a bit subtle for this bloke.

Op this guy is jealous of your success and has taken one not so great performance as a perfect opportunity to attack you.

This is no way to give feedback. Your child was sick, and arranging him to be collected, taken to doctor while also preparing for an important work event is not every day stress. For this guy to show not even fake empathy and continue criticising you confirms he is a bully. Don't be afraid of your manager finding out, such bullies will make sure your manager knows. You are a good worker, one slight blip in performance shows we are all human. This 2024, not 1980s. Let your manager know what happened and forward his messages to the HR.

Forward it to your manager. You may be able to handle it but this is bordering on harassment. I would say that makes him a risk for others - particularly more junior colleagues.

Agree with others, you are not the problem, this team member is. The chances are that he is creating a negative team environment and that you are not the only person affected. As his manager he is ultimately your problem. It is very likely you will be put in a position where you have to discipline/fire him in future for the health of your team as well as yourself. Currently it sounds like you do not have sufficient ammunition to do so.

With this in mind, I would not just say "noted" because in future you may need to have evidence of having brought him up on his behaviour and the behaviour persisting. I would go with CuriousGeorge80's response.

Document everything. Keep in mind this might not be a gender thing, he might just be an arse. You have evidence of aggressive communication and this is what you should document. HR will be better at documenting then you are so get them involved if you can, e.g., yearly appraisals would be an excellent place to bring this type of behaviour up.

If he persists despite you responding that his behaviour is not acceptable then that would be grounds to go to HR.

Ignoring it is probably best, but if you're senior to him I'd be inclined to tell him that it's not appropriate to give unasked for feedback to colleagues outside of the official appraisal process, and CC your manager.

I'm not sure I even agree it was good feedback. Good feedback is where someone highlights what went well, what didn't, and what you can do to improve. Ideally, the idea is to make it a learning curve - "have you considered x or y". It's NOT about emphasising genuine, once-off mistakes.

This is more like if I cook a meal I've made 100 times but due to being stressed and distracted, I accidentally forget to add salt and then I am told 100 times that I should have added salt - that's just unnecessary criticism. I know I should have added salt. I probalby said that as I was serviging it up. I forgot the salt because of extenuating circumstances. I won't forget the salt again.

It's also deeply inappropriate for him to conitnue sending messages. At best, ignore. Alternative,y, I'd be tempted to respond with, "Pete, you've already pointed all ths out and I'm fully aware of where the event wasn't quite upt o my usual standard. There is no need to continue to harass me about it."

Just tell him thanks for the advice but what has been delivered in 4 messages could have been delivered in 1. End of.

In that case why did he wait until after to email you?

email back, blind copied to your boss and HR.

Thank you for the advice, I don't need it in triplicate and frankly I am surprised you have time to write all that on top of your own work.

Oh and do you give similar feedback to others or only to women?

Also- stop apologising. Mitigating circumstances. It’s happened, move on and don’t let people try and drag you down

"lie in wait like a yellow-eyed snake" 😂

think I have found my new username 😁

The first message was fine, the other 3 emails were very rude and out of line. I'd forward them all to your manager. Otherwise he'll think he can do that to you again. It's bullying really isn't it?

"Fred, thank you for your extensive feedback which is noted for the future".

Ignore any further messages on the same subject. If he persists you can either try to close it down "Your feedback is noted but is more than sufficient and there is nothing further to add on this subject". Or it report to your line manager.

As an aside, try not to give explanations, reasons or excuses for anything related to your job to anyone other than your line manager. Especially childcare related stuff to men who simply won't have a clue what it's like and will just twist it to use as ammunition about women can't do senior roles because they are mothers. No reasons, just an apology if appropriate e.g if running late/leaving early. For this situation, you could just have acknowledged "I was a bit off my game and it won't happen again".

Short response along the lines of the following:

Thank you for the advice, I am choosing to believe that it was sent in good faith and that you were not trying to be critical. The overall content was good but I think that you may benefit from some training on how to deliver constructive advice.

I wouldn't reply directly to the message but would ask him to come and see me in my office when we are both in together, or set up a meeting in a room. Teams if necessary.

Then I'd say "So, that email, what was going on there, pal?"

And let him stumble around trying to explain why he presumed to offer criticism to someone senior and more experienced member of staff and what he was hoping to achieve with it, and let him know that when I want his feedback I'll ask for it.

And using the thumbs up is not "fuck off", it's "read and acknowledged, no need to reply".

Oh dear I didn't know that. I always reply 👍 to acknowledge I have received the email.