Responding to fair but badly delivered criticism

[darerowow]

I got promoted at work last year, in a heavily male dominated industry.

There was a lot of resentment from the guys but I got promoted because I’m the hardest working one on the team.

The promotion includes running a client facing conference type event every other week, as that’s quite a prestigious thing at my company and very sought after.

Just before the last conference, I had a call to say my son had been sick at school. I hurriedly arranged my mum to pick him up and then went to host the conference. It was a stressful 30 mins getting it sorted before the event.

Needless to say, my head wasn’t quite in the game and it wasn’t my best presenting. It was nothing terrible and the clients probably wouldn’t have noticed, but I know it wasn’t my best work.

I’ve just had a paragraphs long email from a guy on the team (disliked by many) about how badly I did, and giving me advice on doing it better next time. This guy is more junior than me but has been around years.

I politely responded and said I knew it hadn’t gone well, my son had been sick and I was distracted, and thanks for the feedback.

He then sent THREE MORE Teams
messages about how that can happen to anyone and it’s no excuse and continued to criticise my presenting and give more unsolicited advice. He used the words “very poor etiquette” in two of the emails because I’d forgotten to introduce another speaker in a particular way. Again, this was really just a product of how stressed I was about my son being sick.

He isn’t wrong, it wasn’t a great event and I already felt shit about it, but the stream of criticism is really weighing on me.

How do I respond now? My manager also thoroughly dislikes this guy and I know will sort it out if I ask him, but that seems petty and immature. Plus I’m not sure I want to highlight to my manager (who wasn’t there) that I wasn’t on good form in the meeting!

Great advice above - don't ever give people like him ammo by acknowledging or explaining. "Thanks, noted" will do.

And I doubt you got promoted just because you worked the hardest. More likely because you're the best for the role?? Can work support you with some coaching maybe? Might help you feel more secure in your position?

I would definitely mention it to your boss. Mainly because there is a large chance this guy will be talking to others or may see fit to let your boss know. So get in first. Down play it. 'Learnt alot' 'I wasn't particularly happy with my performance' 'this is what I'll do differently next time'.
Don't let this duck have the upper hand 'I coached her' type scenario. God I hate men (and women) like this.

I'd reply 'thank you for sharing' and nothing more.

It's the passive aggressive way of saying fuck off.

If he responds I'd again reokt with 'thank you for sharing ' and nothing more.

He'll soon get the hint

reading this made me so pleased!

He’s obviously trying to undermine you and erode your confidence.

He's given you good advice so perhaps it's best to take it and move on. Nobody's 100 per cent perfect all the time and rather than let it sting treat this as a learning experience. Bringing it to the attention of your manager would be shooting yourself in the foot. All this should build up your skill set.

Or just - thank you for your input.
I mean no one body else will care.
Vow to do better next time
Don't over think it
Hope your son is ok.

Agree with this.
Non of their business

He no doubt wants to wind you up so just shut him down. Do a 👍🏻 reaction to the messages on Teams and say “Noted, thanks.”

I think you are giving this person's opinion too much power

This.

Its very obvious that his agenda is not constructive. Has all his behaviour and work always been perfect? No of course not.

In your shoes I would respond politely to the first message but stonewall the rest and keep them all. This is tipping over into harassment.

I wouldn’t report to HR yet as you have acknowledged that you were not on top of your game. But keep a note of it and if it continues share with HR.

Forward to your boss. The extra 3 messages is way over the top/inappropriate.

I would file this under "You don't have to attend every fight you're invited to" and give him a thumbs up, then ignore. He's itching for a reaction, the absolute best way to beat him at this point is to refuse to give him one.

this

I would just respond with: Noted, thanks.

i wonder would he have given this advice to a male senior colleague.

I understand why you responded with a justification but next time, I’d follow one of the many suggested responses that just shut down the conversation.

He’s not your manager, he’s not a respected peer even - what an arrogance to think he should be giving you feedback in the first place, let alone the follow up messages. You had no duty to explain yourself to him. Do not engage any further other than to shut him down. You’ve had some brilliant suggestions on how to do so. And if he tries this again, make it extremely clear to him that while you appreciate that he may think he’s being helpful, it is not appropriate for him to be commenting on your work performance as he in no way line manages you.

@darerowow If you don’t mind the content and just the delivery was off, I would definitely match his energy!

Send teams twat terry constructive criticism back about the delivery of his message, as a way for him to ‘improve’ - you’ll feel much better…

Tbh I wouldn’t have engaged with the first email. I’m a firm believer of if people have constructive comments they say it in person then we follow up via email - mostly because giving difficult feedback over email and not being a twat is a real skill. Particularly if you’re a more junior member of staff.

I think you made a mistake in trying to ‘explain’ or be seen to ‘justify’ what happened. You owe this guy nothing. I’d just ignore him from now on and if he continues, politely tell him his point has been noted, you’re grateful for his feedback, but if he continues to badger you that you will escalate to HR as harassment.

Yes best option I think is either a thumbs up reaction or a "noted" response.

Another option could be something like "I don't think it's constructive to continue this discussion over email/teams, let's talk in person" - I find very often that people who are happy to be be snidey and throw bombs via email suddenly back right down when forced to back it up face to face. But I'd only do that if this is someone you need to work closely with or who has considerable sway in the company, because otherwise he doesn't deserve the time of day.

If these conferences are every other week then they're so frequent that one poor performance will be a distant memory very soon so it's not something he can hold over your head in any way.

It's not petty and immature to let your manager know your being harassed.

I politely responded and said I knew it hadn’t gone well, my son had been sick and I was distracted,

That was your big mistake. Even in a mixed sex department, putting poor performance down to issues with your child (and especially being distracted by them) is a bad idea. In a male dominated sector it's a career killer and gives someone like him ammunition..

"Thank you for your input" should have been your only response.

This is precisely how I'd handle it.

He's obviously a twat.

I would just thank him for his advice and aim to do better next time.then forget about it.

We all make mistakes and the important thing is to learn from them.

Be grateful that he has taken time to help you improve even though he is a nasty piece of work.

If its great advice and welcomed, just reply and say thanks for the advice I genuinely appreciate it, however whilst we are critiquing one another please think about the delivery of your messages as they feel a little like bombardment.

👍 is the best response. Don’t ask him the purpose of his emails, he’s the type of person who will have an answer for everything and you don’t want to enter a back and forth. I wouldn’t even waste my energy typing ‘noted’. A 👍 does the job perfectly, ends the engagement and removes this pompous person from your precious headspace.