Responding to fair but badly delivered criticism

[darerowow]

I got promoted at work last year, in a heavily male dominated industry.

There was a lot of resentment from the guys but I got promoted because I’m the hardest working one on the team.

The promotion includes running a client facing conference type event every other week, as that’s quite a prestigious thing at my company and very sought after.

Just before the last conference, I had a call to say my son had been sick at school. I hurriedly arranged my mum to pick him up and then went to host the conference. It was a stressful 30 mins getting it sorted before the event.

Needless to say, my head wasn’t quite in the game and it wasn’t my best presenting. It was nothing terrible and the clients probably wouldn’t have noticed, but I know it wasn’t my best work.

I’ve just had a paragraphs long email from a guy on the team (disliked by many) about how badly I did, and giving me advice on doing it better next time. This guy is more junior than me but has been around years.

I politely responded and said I knew it hadn’t gone well, my son had been sick and I was distracted, and thanks for the feedback.

He then sent THREE MORE Teams
messages about how that can happen to anyone and it’s no excuse and continued to criticise my presenting and give more unsolicited advice. He used the words “very poor etiquette” in two of the emails because I’d forgotten to introduce another speaker in a particular way. Again, this was really just a product of how stressed I was about my son being sick.

He isn’t wrong, it wasn’t a great event and I already felt shit about it, but the stream of criticism is really weighing on me.

How do I respond now? My manager also thoroughly dislikes this guy and I know will sort it out if I ask him, but that seems petty and immature. Plus I’m not sure I want to highlight to my manager (who wasn’t there) that I wasn’t on good form in the meeting!

Please please please don't thank him for the advice. It was stuff you knew already by the sounds of it, and completely unasked for. Would he have sent it to a man? I'm guessing not.

Definitely. Don't apologise, don't explain!

Don’t apologise, don’t make excuses and don’t beat yourself up! It might not have been your best work but if the client was happy then it was good enough. Reply ‘many thanks for your feedback’ and ignore any further messages.

Love a thumbs up response.
the guy sounds like a d*ck and jealous of your position.
We all have off days, you can rub your brilliance in his face next time 😊

You've had some great advice here about how to politely respond (or not), but I'm more concerned that it seems to have knocked your confidence.

You say you were promoted about a year ago, and these conferences are every couple of weeks? Surely then, you have a raft of evidence of well presented versions? Unless you or your boss have had comments/complaints from participants or presenters, just let it go.

This bloke is being a twat, if this is the first conference he has attended (that you have run), he may have had some concerns, but it's not his place to raise them with you. If it's not the first, he KNOWS you normally do a good job, and so he's found his first opportunity to put you down.

Everyone is allowed a "not as shit-hot as normal" day, and I'd be sorely tempted to point this out next time HE does something not to your standards (but probably wouldn't, cos I try to be professional).

Perfect, Send this.

Involve your manager right away. This guy sounds bitter - did he want the promotion you got?

That is workplace harrassment. A junior berating a senior employee is not on. Avoid making an enemy but instead make friends with them. There may be a reason why they behave this way that is completely unrelated to you. Try to speak with them about the issue and ask what you can do to help them. Remember, keep freinds close and enemies closer.

By confronting the person directly face to face you may just head off a major confrontation at a later date without realising it and they will understand better why you got the promotion instead of them and gain an unlikely ally. It does not mean you have to become bff but communication is a key skill in the workplace, of that you can never undersetimate the power it has.

Everyone has an 'off' day - regardless of whether it's a sick kid or sick parent or argument with wife or hangover... I'm sure you wouldn't expect your co-workers to be perfect, so please don't be so hard on yourself (though I agree that mentioning childcare will never garner you sympathy, only judgement).

Do you think you doubt your own abilities? And that this guy has smelt it, especially as you've given him the leverage of replying and offering him your 'excuse'...? You absolutely do not owe him an explanation or extenuating circumstances, especially as he's junior to you.

People higher up than him have given you this job because they think you can do it! You have your own judgment of the situation - you knew you weren't at your best - big deal - you will learn from it yourself, because you have your own high standards and a good head on your shoulders.

It's probably good that you have his sniping mails in writing - I'd send one explaining calmly that it's extraneous, to draw attention to the pattern, then leave it there. I have no doubt he'll keep doing it now because he's had the gratification of your response this time, so you'll have to train him off it by not responding except for the thumb. Starve him of a response.

But please don't let this co-wanker take up any more of your headspace, except as in another little work issue to deal with and file away.

You seem very conscientious, OP. We all have bad days when things don't go as we'd like and perhaps you might let-up on the self-criticism. I can promise you that any man who screwed up like that would just laugh it off. For some reason Boris Johnson waffling about Peppa Pig comes to mind...

Yes, he may be right in his criticism, but it's not his role to offer you feedback and certainly not to continue to criticise after your polite, accepting response to his initial contact. The aggression, negativity and general all-round poor interpersonal judgment shown by those emails feel like harassment and misogyny from where I'm sitting.

If I knew my manager was on my side and wasn't a fan of your critic, I'd forward his emails to both my manager and HR with a simple FYI/ for the record comment and see what happens. It may be that you're not the only person he's treating like this and it's helpful to have more evidence of his poor behaviour. If you're the only woman at your level of management and he's decided to target you specifically, that is another thing HR need to be on top of.

If he does it again, and if you haven't had a helpful response from your manager/ HR I'd respond with a simple 'Noted. I will forward your email to (boss) and HR for their reference.' Don't apologise or explain, as others have said..

I'm presuming he's ND or similar. You mentioned male-dominated workforce. I'm going to guess IT. It sounds very familiar.

I would just say 'Your comments have been noted'.
He may interpret a thumbs up as an invitation to critique your performance at every opportunity.

Yes, actually, I take it back about the thumb. I like this comment.

What work is he not doing when he is so absorbed in creating these messages?

He must have a dick the size of a Rice Krispie to be carrying this on.

I would be tempted to put on a Scottish Shrek accent and paraphrase with "Are you compensating for something?"

He sounds like a “know it all” type.

Your mistake was to make an “excuse” for yourself which only gave him an opening to go further.

Escalate to manager. Do not respond to twatty guy (who wants your job) but let your / his boss handle it.

But also: for future make sure there is another contact and put something in place so that if it happens again you can either say: call X. Or you can call X and tell them to handle it. Takes 2 minutes.

You need to learn to handle these things, and put things in place so that you have your head in the game. I work in a male-dominated thing too and this is something most of (90%) the fathers don't even have on their radar. There is no point trying to explain. Just either don't answer or answer vaguely if anyone says things like this to you in future.

You were promoted because you are good. You can run this event because you are excellent. Stay excellent, and remind yourself of that occasionally. (and others if you get the chance)

Agreed - he's the type to assume that it means you're really grateful for his help and assistance...

He's also the type to assume that your improved presentation at the next event is evidence that his "feedback" is the reason.

I think I'd have said "Bob, I acknowledged in my first email the circumstances that led to me not being quite at the top of my game. I don't know why you're continuing to flog a dead horse on this?"

I think I’d be pulling rank and asking him in what capacity he feels it’s appropriate to be giving someone feedback from a junior position? Tell him if you want feedback on your work you’ll ask your manager and suggests he does the same.

You should have ignored his email. You’ve given him power.

I wouldn't reply 'noted' or thumbs up or anything similarly equivocal. He will interpret this as '@darerowow is too weak to call me out, so I can continue my mind games to undermine her and destroy her confidence'. You need to cut the fucker off at the pass as aggressively as you need to.

I would either invite him to a face-to-face meeting as per @ttcat37's suggestion, or send @CuriousGeorge80's excellent “David, I’ve already acknowledged that there were issues and have discussed them directly with Boss already. I am amazed that you feel it in any way appropriate to send me four messages on this matter in the tone that you have. I would strongly encourage you to take this opportunity to reflect on how you provide feedback.”

Edited to add: You have to make sure he knows it will be uncomfortable for him if he ever tries this shit again. 'Noted' or an emoji are simply not unpleasant enough.

i don't think that giving feedback or constructive criticism is ever wrong. I do think that the method and tone of delivery should be appropriate though.

We have a mothnly "retro" where we talk about the things that went well, badly, could be done differently etc, and everyone is allowed to give their opinion without fear or favour. But anyone who comes in with a tone or agenda is told to stop.

I would have ignored his first email.

Jesus OP. The fact that it wasn't 'bad advice' doesn't mean its approriate. If you are a woman, remind yourself that you are holding yourself to a higher standard than most men would. He is mansplaining to you. You haven't asked for his opinion and it is not on him to provide you with this feedback.

You are allowed to be on 90pc of your game instead of 100 some days. It is human and normal and this guy will have days like this too. It's ok to acknowledge what you could have done better on that day, but you can move on right after it and don't have to beat yourself up over it and definitely do not let anyone beat you up over it.

No man, absolutely no man, would think 'but it wasn't bad advice' and take it to heart.

How it is a good advice? What exactly has he told you to do in such time of stress? You have learnt nothing from his advice.
I used to be like you, trying to be fair and logical. Would focus too much on my slight mistakes and justify over reactions by others. But then I started to notice these people also make mistakes, sometimes even bigger but always minimise their own mistakes.

By his reaction, I expect him to be perfect. Then why he has been in company for longer than you but is your junior?

@darerowow I would ask him, in a teams email, if this was a case of sour grapes!! dont do it privately! put him in the spotlight!

Ignore and don't respond anymore.

As for the sick child you're going to have a plan of action for future sickness.

Why on earth did you even reply, especially telling him your kid was sick? Giving him an in to criticise you.

No no no.

Batter him down with some of the suggestions given about how his feedback is not required, and never let him see any such weakness from you in replies again. You don't need to explain anything to him.