Responding to fair but badly delivered criticism

[darerowow]

I got promoted at work last year, in a heavily male dominated industry.

There was a lot of resentment from the guys but I got promoted because I’m the hardest working one on the team.

The promotion includes running a client facing conference type event every other week, as that’s quite a prestigious thing at my company and very sought after.

Just before the last conference, I had a call to say my son had been sick at school. I hurriedly arranged my mum to pick him up and then went to host the conference. It was a stressful 30 mins getting it sorted before the event.

Needless to say, my head wasn’t quite in the game and it wasn’t my best presenting. It was nothing terrible and the clients probably wouldn’t have noticed, but I know it wasn’t my best work.

I’ve just had a paragraphs long email from a guy on the team (disliked by many) about how badly I did, and giving me advice on doing it better next time. This guy is more junior than me but has been around years.

I politely responded and said I knew it hadn’t gone well, my son had been sick and I was distracted, and thanks for the feedback.

He then sent THREE MORE Teams
messages about how that can happen to anyone and it’s no excuse and continued to criticise my presenting and give more unsolicited advice. He used the words “very poor etiquette” in two of the emails because I’d forgotten to introduce another speaker in a particular way. Again, this was really just a product of how stressed I was about my son being sick.

He isn’t wrong, it wasn’t a great event and I already felt shit about it, but the stream of criticism is really weighing on me.

How do I respond now? My manager also thoroughly dislikes this guy and I know will sort it out if I ask him, but that seems petty and immature. Plus I’m not sure I want to highlight to my manager (who wasn’t there) that I wasn’t on good form in the meeting!

I’d be worried he has form to do it again in the future so would definitely make it clear that multiple messages were unnecessary and inappropriate.

There are people in life who if they offer their criticism and you admit you weren't your best (they wait for you to fall from your usual absolute diamond delivery of something) will take that as a green light to see that as a weakness and capitalise on that.

They push others down as it's the only way to raise themselves.

I like the idea of putting the ball back in his court. That's always my approach.

I think I’d reply to the last email (cc’ing your boss), saying

Thank you for the extensive feedback Nigel. At four emails, you have dissected my performance quite comprehensively now, so please be assured that your feedback has been noted, and no further analysis is required

Perhaps end the message with something like …

how are you getting on with the x project/prep for the next presentation/gazing at your navel .. to focus him on something else?
It seems like he’s got a bit locked on!

This guy will cause more trouble. I second the poster who said never mention your child.

Absolutely this ^

I'd forward emails onto HR, sounds a bit ott to barage you with emails on your performance. It sounds rude of him tbh!

I agree don’t engage any further. Unlike others I wouldn’t be inclined to involve my boss over this if you are quite senior, unless he continues. Shut it down, move forward. I also don’t agree with not sharing reason for not being on form- we need to normalise accommodating people (often women) having to occasionally disrupt their working life for childcare reasons. And I second the other poster who said you got the job because you’re the best and not the hardest worker- keep repeating that to yourself! Everyone is allowed an off day. Using it as a learning opportunity to improve next time is what defines those who succeed

Of course not.

If you must reply to the email, I'd go with "Noted".

I would take it to my manager and let them decide how to deal with it.

It could be interpreted as bullying you though if this man is neurodiverse, he may not realise his communication could be seen that way. Maybe he just needs a bit of guidance or training re communication with colleagues.

It wasn't acceptable what he did in my opinion, but up to your manager to deal with the issue.

I definitely would not be thanking him in any way. I’d really just ignore. Grey rock is the only way with bullies.

Mate, I had similar crap from a junior guy at work. I too am a woman in a male dominated industry and I have a senior role. He was a new employee and very quickly revealed himself as a bully. I first tried to manage this myself, then went to management - who were pathetic. He left eventually but by then (this lasted about 18 mths) I was sick of the organisation and left for a similar role at another employer in the same industry. This little specimen is a misogynistic little tool and if I were you, knowing now what I know, I would send the email trail to your manager now so that this can be stopped now. Don’t try to handle it yourself, that’s what the little tool wants. It’s good you think you will have your manager’s support. They should work him out of the organisations. It’s not ‘fair feedback’, it’s bullying. Don’t do nothing. Go to your supportive manager with the evidence saying just what you said here. All the best sister xxx

It’s awful isn’t it. The envy directed at women who manage to balance childcare and work by men who can’t manage to walk and chew gum.

When I joined my company ten years ago I had a two year old and my marriage was on the rocks. Within a year of starting my husband and I had separated and it meant I had to ask my bosses for various concessions around flexibility (which to their credit they allowed) in order to remain at work.

But there was a tier of young single male middle management (about 7/8 years younger than me) which was really resentful of this and constantly bitching to management about “special favours” being granted and how having a child was a “lifestyle choice”. Because I left half an hour earlier. Even though I worked most evenings from home to catch up while they got pissed.

Ten years on they are all having kids of their own and suddenly the world has to stop. One has agreed he never has to work in the office, another has a clause in his contract that demands he not be contacted after 5pm.

When they do it they are progressive, hands on fathers. When we do it it is special pleading.

Hold your head high and don’t give this twat any of your energy

I work as one female in a senior leadership team with another 5 men, I feel your pain, and I understand exactly how enraging this will have been to receive.

You agreed the feedback was helpful and perhaps warranted. But instead that man chose to send it in a shitty little teams message, which for me indicates it wasn’t feedback after all, but a way to hurt, humiliate and embarrass you. If he wanted it to be useful feedback to you it could have, and should have been delivered to you over a coffee and more informally.

I would flag it to your manager. You can get in front of it and explain your personal circumstances (by the way, which should never ever be held over you) and that no negative impact was felt by client.

Ask him if he'd behave in the the same way to a guy who experienced a similar problem or just you because you're female.

You say it’s good feedback, poor delivery. So my instinct with every workplace tricky situations is to kill people with kindness. I run into a bit of an email exchange with a colleague not long ago where I sent a clarifying question and she started her reply with “as I said in my previous email”… this made my blood boil. She didn’t, hence the clarifying question. So I wrote a nicest possible email apologising profusely as “I must have missed this information” and was terribly helpful and amenable. She responded soon after with her own (insincere, I must add) apology saying she read through her initial email again and she must have missed this important info in her haste to send it. She never spoke to me that way again. She was in the service longer than me and I was fairly new (but on the same pay grade) so she clearly thought she could pull rank. Tough luck
In your case, I would write a long message saying how amazing and helpful his feedback has been and you would love to pick his brain before the next meeting. Would he have time to meet face to face to discuss (he won’t).

Does this guy have any 'right' to pull you up on any part of your job?
You have taken ownership of the poorer performance (anyone can have an off day). He should have left it there.
I think you forward the emails to your manager, as his comments to you are not appropriate. If he is deeply unpopular and some of this is down to his behaviour to other staff, then this gives management some 'ammunition' to deal with him.

He has no management role when it comes to you, so it's not his place to do this even once. And sending multiple messages for all to see is bullying.
I agree with others you should respond to him with just a thumbs-up, to wind him up. But you should also log it with your manager in an 'FYI' way and add that he has clearly been inappropriate and you won't tolerate being bullied. They can do what they wish with that.

This is a dignity and respect issue. When we communicate at work it is not simply the message that we are trying to convey that is important but also the tone we use in delivering that message. This is where you are confused as you agree the general content is good advice. However the tone is demeaning. Therefore I would inform your boss of this so they can address the tone of the communications with your colleague.

for a first offence it can be a heads up to the colleague about appropriate communications in work but further examples need to be documented and dealt with and escalated as appropriate with HR.

Dont' explain, don't complain. Ignore him and don't mention anything to do with the presentation. If you let this guy rattle you at this early stage, he will smell weakness and prey on it, believe me. Stand firm, stand strong - do a Kamala Harris!

There's a reason he's disliked...

‘Thank you for your email, the contents of which have been noted’.

Do you do feedback questionnaires as part of your post event strategy?

If so, what was the feedback like? Because I bet it was fine, so stop feeling like you’ve done badly - am sure the audience don’t give a fig about how you introduce your speakers.

Your mistake really was responding and agreeing with him in the first place - but it’s done.

He's just a dick who's trying to undermine you because he's jealous. I've worked with petty little snitches like this.

What is the feedback culture in your organisation? Is it typical for you all to comment on how these presentations have gone? If so, maybe it makes a little bit of sense but tbh just a 'thanks for your input' should have been enough at the start.

I really wouldn't go into any detail about your son being sick or anything personal with him or anyone else again unless you need to with a (sympathetic) manager. As others have said, just say 'noted' or 'thanks' and don't engage any further with his criticisms or give him any more space in your head other than noting he's not to be trusted.