To think that consensual non-monogamy is usually a recipe for disaster?

[Xaviera]

I know some people say it’s great fun and improves their relationship but I have real trouble believing that the majority of people don’t feel at least a bit of angst and jealousy. And if you don’t, do you really love your partner?

Also, I think it’s usually being driven by the man and the woman is afraid to leave her partner.

The ones I know about ended in tears. One situation, the man invited his friend into his and his gf’s bed and a year later the gf moved in with the friend.

Other one was driven by the man of a married couple but the woman went along with it until she realised that she didn’t like having sex with seedy men (because most swingers are not great looking). So they stopped but the husband carried on thinking about it, ended up cheating with sex workers = end of marriage.

i feel like people think it’s cool or something 🤷🏻‍♀️ we can all have fantasies but actually doing it is usually a shit idea imho.

I think it can work but it's very rare for it to. Usually one person wants it more than the other.

I know that I wouldn't be able to cope with it, and I can see that it's necessarily more difficult than a couple relationship, but I don't think it's doomed.

I know plenty of monogamous relationships that have ended acrimoniously, so the failure of a few consensually non-monogamous ones doesn't particularly convince me that they can't work.

I think in hetero couples in 95% of cases it benefits the man far more than the woman. I’m sure women will be on here soon to say it works great for them - they’re in the 5%!

I agree with this. In theory I don’t have a problem with it but in practice I have observed it’s nearly always men who want this.

I also don’t really understand the point of it. Why put yourself through the hassle of being in a committed relationship with someone if they are shagging other people? Why wouldn’t you just be on your own?

Someone posted this video on one of the feminism threads here when it came out:

It’s the writer Lindy West and her husband and their new girlfriend talking about how great bringing this extra person into the relationship was.

I don’t see how anyone could watch this and not see what I see: a woman with low self worth desperate to keep the man she’s obsessed with at any cost, and a man who has no qualms about taking advantage of that.

I often think polyamorous setups are just different flavours of this.

My ex wife wanted to, and talked me into trying it on threat of leaving. That she is my ex tells you all you need to know.

I tried it with my ex-husband as some last ditch attempt to stay married in an otherwise sexless relationship. All it did was mean that I slept with a few random people before realising I wanted love AND intimacy- and finally left.

That said, I have some friends for whom it works well. Boundaries and communication seem key. As does doing it for pleasure and not to fix something that is broken.

I read about a polyamorous foursome - two couples. Both the women had children and nobody knew who the fathers were. On the face of it a foursome seems more equal - but I still suspect the men benefit more.

Here’s what I want to know. Has there ever been a relationship of three people (all romantic/sexual with each other) that’s lasted for decades? I’ve heard of same-sex couples who’ve been together since before that was considered socially acceptable, so I don’t think “no, because it’s been so taboo” works as an answer.

Famously monogamy never ends in tears…

Im poly, no one made me do it it’s just how I love, it doesn’t mean I don’t love people just because I feel compersion instead of jealousy when I see a partner with someone else. It’s just how my brain is wired.

Yes it often ends in heartache… relationships ending hurts regardless of your set up.
If someone is feeling coerced into non-monogamy that it’s abusive and not ethical non monogamy.

It works great for DH and I. I’m sure it doesn’t work for some other people, but what works and what doesn’t work for other people isn’t really something I care or have an opinion about. People choose to do all kinds of things in their relationships which are successes or disasters, I can’t quite work out why anyone else who isn’t in the relationship in question needs to debate about or have an investment in any of it.

I once voiced this in a group but all the younger people told me I was a prudish trad married. Which I suppose I am.

I cant help feeling that so much of modern day liberalism conveniently benefits men. I don't think monogamy is ideal either. just that it is generally better than the alternative.

It’s funny to me seeing people say the men benefit more than the women.

Spend an hour on any poly discussion page and you will see that is far from the truth.

women find it much easier to arrange dates/hook ups and men usually find their dating pool very small.
Which is particularly satisfying when you do see a man who has manipulated his female partner into opening the relationship only to find he’s sat at home while she’s off out dating

Yes, it's never seemed like a coincidence that the bits of feminism we've been most fully allowed to realise are the ones that facilitate greater male sexual access. Which isn't to say that eg contraception hasn't been a wonderful thing for women too. It's just that, say, men taking an equal burden of elder care would also be wonderful, and yet that doesn't seem like it's going to happen any time soon.

I did once read about that happening, somewhere in the depths of twitter. Like you, I lol'd.

Hmm @SomePosters when you put it like that.... maybe.

I wonder where people have the emotional bandwidth. I think I am very limited that way. Seems like one more chore on my to do list.

Monogamy hasn't exactly done wonders for women, or promoted human happiness, either.

I've seen it work well on a couple of occasions, both (I know in one case, in the other I think) when the couple had stopped having sex because the man no longer wanted to. The women had FWB situations with full disclosure to their spouses, arrangements about which I know nothing. But they're still married, and seem strong and functional insofar as one can judge from outside.

Another friend is meditating it, and thinks her husband will agree. In her case, it's because she is bi, and while she wants to remain married to her DH, whom she loves, but also to explore the other side of her sexuality.

So all the ones I know have been initiated by women.

Yes I often think it's more for the mans benefit than the womans.

I also feel that a very large percentage of women are living with their other halves for nothing more than financial reasons.

This is very very true. Far more people want you (if you are the woman) than your husband. It's easy to think our husbands would be swimming in offers because we love them, and because anxiety is a bitch. But the reality is women in the poly community are approached by a constant stream of men, often brand new because they convinced their wife it would be ok, and no one I know wants to handhold or unpack all that bullshit.

I’ve only seen this work long-term in same sex relationships.

The point for me would be that I believe people have the capacity to love more than one person, and with enough generosity and trust it's in principle possible to maintain a relationship between three or four people, in a similar way to a relationship between two people.

The most successful example of this that I've seen involved four people, btw. Husband and wife. Wife also had a boyfriend. Boyfriend had a second girlfriend.

I feel the same way about the general popularity of porn/ porn culture these days, and the way anyone who objects is called prudish.
Convenient for some.

DP and I swing. We have fairly strict boundaries. Only ever swing together and are quite selective with the couples we have sex with. Most swingers are older and not our type, so we just don't have sex with them. One of my favourite things about sex with DP is seeing him pleasured, more opportunity for pleasure with more body parts. That's all there is to it. We have a solid relationship and a great sex life together, there's not a part of me worried about him chos8ng another woman over me or risking what we have for anybody else.

It's gross and seems to be something "pick me" people do.