To think that consensual non-monogamy is usually a recipe for disaster?

[Xaviera]

I know some people say it’s great fun and improves their relationship but I have real trouble believing that the majority of people don’t feel at least a bit of angst and jealousy. And if you don’t, do you really love your partner?

Also, I think it’s usually being driven by the man and the woman is afraid to leave her partner.

The ones I know about ended in tears. One situation, the man invited his friend into his and his gf’s bed and a year later the gf moved in with the friend.

Other one was driven by the man of a married couple but the woman went along with it until she realised that she didn’t like having sex with seedy men (because most swingers are not great looking). So they stopped but the husband carried on thinking about it, ended up cheating with sex workers = end of marriage.

i feel like people think it’s cool or something 🤷🏻‍♀️ we can all have fantasies but actually doing it is usually a shit idea imho.

There are all kinds of different variations on non-monogamy, and they don’t all preclude a deeper level of intimacy with one person than is extended to others. Some people do try to maintain a throuple where they have equality of emotional intimacy and romantic love between all three people. I can’t speak for those people, or how they manage it, or whether they find it exhausting, because I’m not in a throuple. I have a husband who I love in a different way to how I love my girlfriend. She has a husband who she loves in a different way to how she loves me. We all have other things going on with unconnected people at unconnected times. None of us have any expectation that everything about our feelings and emotions is entirely parallel and all completely the same and equal. We have something that works. Other things will work for other people.

But there's no point speaking in general terms and dismissively hand-waving away the women who want that as "exceptions", because no one is arguing that polyamory is, will be, or should be the default mainstream practise.

It obviously does align with some women's sexuality (newsflash, not all women - or men - share a "typical sexuality"). It doesn't have to work for you, or even for most other people, to still be a valid lifestyle that benefits them.

Who takes the mental load? Because I sure as hell don't want to think about 3 sets of family presents at Xmas, the birthday cards, the dentist appointments.

They weren’t renowned for contentment , though, were they? It’s a bit late ( in terms of lit hist) for me, but I seem to remember that there were several broken hearts, an exile and a suicide involved.

I think MN is particularly judgey about this, and especially does not take well to polyamorous posters.

I'm not sure what business it is of others and why anyone would think about it much.

The way I see it, though of course monogamy doesn't often work - high divorce rates are a sign of that. But the reasons why are reasons that make swinging even less likely to work, long term.

My own relationships haven't all been particularly vanilla and I've seen an awful lot of behaviours in men (as I'm straight).

What I noticed is that the men who don't get jealous were on the narcissist scale. So they were more concerned about how they looked to other people when they were prepared to pimp their wife out with no ill will at all. It made them feel good that they had a desirable woman on their arm. And this was to an extreme that overrode normal emotions like sexual jealousy.

I'm not sure what business it is of others and why anyone would think about it much.

Speaking for myself, the answer to this question is 1. That it's currently being promoted in popular culture and 2. I have 4 daughters.

One husband has been enough for me for the last 50 years. And I'd never have had time to spare for anyone else. Busy lives, working, children etc.. We're very content as we are and always have been.

‘A few people have made the point that poly is beneficial to women because poly women can have their pick of men. While poly men have to take what they can get.

Yet the reason poly women can take their pick is because a large proportion of men enjoy sex with anything that moves. While far fewer women are like this. Being able to shag anyone and everyone is only beneficial to you if you actually WANT to shag anyone and everyone! ‘

👏🏻 👏🏻👏🏻

I don’t think acknowledging those women and saying they’re in the minority is hand waving them away. Are we meant to pretend this isn’t a lifestyle that has appeal for a greater number of men than women?

Everyone’s sexuality is individual but at a population level there are clear patterns of difference between male and female sexual behaviour. If that is not the case, why is it that poly women can take their pick, while men can’t?

I'd love to have a girlfriend as well as DP but I wouldn't want him to have one haha

I’m aware that I’m really lucky and unusual in that my partner has taken all his annual leave right after his paternity leave so he’s had months off after both my babies! He’s also very good at doing everything then handing the baby over to me to feed.

I suspect that's why they are poly. Anyone I know raising a family is too busy and exhausted to even think about spicing up their sex lives let alone looking elsewhere.

The thought of it exhausts me

I think I might have to end up doing this eventually. I don’t think I’m enough for my husband, he’s becoming increasingly obsessed with young female singers and more critical of me. As much as it would pain me, it would also give me the chance to maybe find someone who actually is attracted to me. At the moment my self esteem is rock bottom.

I doubt any young female singers are dying to jump into bed with him.

OP, I don't think "it" is being "promoted" any more than heterosexual monogamy, which has the market cornered, btw. Different strokes for different folks.
As to your original question: Nope. Not for me. I agree, usually one sided.

Spot on and I can't think of anything worse degrading

Absolutely no way. Both DP and I would hate to see the other at it with someone else! It's not remotely sexy for us, but each to their own..

No but he clearly needs something that I can’t provide, maybe someone else could. I can see why women give in and accept it, it’s painful either way.

Why not leave? You post is so sad. 🩷

Very sad @RubyTuesday10 I expect your DH will have exactly the same problem or a different version in every relationship if he expects his wife to never age and look like a young female singer.

If you have to tolerate infidelity in order to hold onto a relationship it’s a resounding signal that you should leave.

For the record I am not talking about polyamory, I am talking about lowering your expectations.

Don’t drag yourself down to the level of someone who is deliberately trying to sabotage your self esteem. You would be far better off without him.

It sounds as though your husband is emotionally abusive: nobody should be criticising you, and nobody who loves you would want your self esteem to be so low that you’d agree to something that you don’t want to be doing. Have you a good friend you can talk to about how you feel?

@ComtesseDeSpair

Fair enough. It obviously works for some people. If you can make it work while keeping everyone in the equation happy why not?

I still think in the majority of situations one person in the dynamic is less enthusiastic than the other.