To think that consensual non-monogamy is usually a recipe for disaster?

[Xaviera]

I know some people say it’s great fun and improves their relationship but I have real trouble believing that the majority of people don’t feel at least a bit of angst and jealousy. And if you don’t, do you really love your partner?

Also, I think it’s usually being driven by the man and the woman is afraid to leave her partner.

The ones I know about ended in tears. One situation, the man invited his friend into his and his gf’s bed and a year later the gf moved in with the friend.

Other one was driven by the man of a married couple but the woman went along with it until she realised that she didn’t like having sex with seedy men (because most swingers are not great looking). So they stopped but the husband carried on thinking about it, ended up cheating with sex workers = end of marriage.

i feel like people think it’s cool or something 🤷🏻‍♀️ we can all have fantasies but actually doing it is usually a shit idea imho.

Totally agree with you OP.

Usually driven by the man. Just look at Neil Gaiman - I knew he was a wrong 'un years ago when I heard he and Amanda Palmer were in an "open" marriage so the current allegations weren't a shock to me!

Huge red flag IMO.

@KateMiskin

There are many cultures in which you don't marry the person you want to shag but instead the person most suitable in social standing, income, family , profession and so on. Marrying the person you want to shag is a very Western contract.

Indeed and a fairly recent concept in the West at that. Which is why the older I get the positive I feel about arranged marriages. Whatever you think about them (and certainly they are open to abuse), they are designed for the legal protections to come into their own once the sexual attraction wears off. As opposed to being built to celebrate a kind of Homecoming Queen wish fulfilment which collapses when the first kid arrives.

Utterly absurd to think you can create contract law around sex. And it really disturbs me that society in all its forms, from the church to the wedding industry, promotes this total confection.

I am not suspicious of people in an open marriage but am suspicious of people who make a big song and dance about it. Same as I am suspicious of people who make a song and dance about anything really. Always conceals some kind of problematic behaviour.

I wouldn't want it , that's for sure!
I've always suspected one partner wanted it more than the other, or that maybe one partner didn't want it at all but was so afraid of loosing the other, they went along with it.
I only know of 2 "open" marriages though; both couples split because one went off with someone else and in the case of the 2nd couple, ended in tragedy. I won't give the details because it's not my story to tell but it was terrible and so very sad. When I got over the shock and the sheer sorrow of it, one of my thoughts about it was "These things never seem to end well!"

In many cases of marriage breakdown, one of the main pre-disposing factors is that one of the spouses HAS "opened" the marriage, but without the other spouses knowledge at first, and definitely without their consent.

Yes, our love for our children is a very different kind of love than our love for a spouse or partner. It is, or should be an extremely selfless kind of love, where the parent expects and wants to be the one who gives more and sacrifices more. There's always a selfish element to romantic and sexual love- if one partner takes more than they give, it erodes the connection and leads to resentment, anger and eventually, it can destroy the relationship and even lead to hatred.
I know that I will love my son forever, and no matter what he did, I would love him, even if I hated his actions. Not the case for the STBXH at all! Love for our partners/spouses is always conditional and too much selfishness on the part of one of them will always destroy the love, even if they don't split up.
Even if you end up being estranged from your adult children, you'll always love them and want to be able to reconcile, so long as you're not character disordered that is, but I'm talking about the majority of parents.

That's not opening a marriage. That's cheating.

Marriage certainly has its drawbacks! But it’s not as though our only two options are monogamous heterosexual patriarchal marriage until you die, and polyamory.

Plenty of people are in relationships and don’t live together / get married, have a number of 1:1 relationships throughout their lives, have FWB situations and casual sex while not in committed relationships, have relationships with men and women. All this variety is possible (and common) while just happening to prefer to be involved with one person at a time.

Very well said.

You only need elements of trust with the people you are getting involved with, not the hundreds of people at a club.

It's not, contrary to what some media parts would have you believe, a massive free-for-all with people having hundreds and hundreds of different play partners regularly.

It's not easy.

But if you're in a club, for example, you're mixing with people and many of them will have a similar attitude to you, a similar outlook etc. Like any other hobby or social group. So that makes it easier to get chatting, find common ground and then find more that is an attraction

It's not the same as in your neighbourhood at home where the only thing you may have in common with people is where you like.

I know one couple well who decided to open their marriage. The woman had a history of being abused and was clearly very vulnerable. I met a few other women through her that were also in open marriages and they were also obviously very damaged from their past. I don't think well balanced people with healthy boundaries who are in a good place do this.