To think that consensual non-monogamy is usually a recipe for disaster?

[Xaviera]

I know some people say it’s great fun and improves their relationship but I have real trouble believing that the majority of people don’t feel at least a bit of angst and jealousy. And if you don’t, do you really love your partner?

Also, I think it’s usually being driven by the man and the woman is afraid to leave her partner.

The ones I know about ended in tears. One situation, the man invited his friend into his and his gf’s bed and a year later the gf moved in with the friend.

Other one was driven by the man of a married couple but the woman went along with it until she realised that she didn’t like having sex with seedy men (because most swingers are not great looking). So they stopped but the husband carried on thinking about it, ended up cheating with sex workers = end of marriage.

i feel like people think it’s cool or something 🤷🏻‍♀️ we can all have fantasies but actually doing it is usually a shit idea imho.

That Lindy West video was a hard watch.

I can kind of see a scenario where two people in a relationship would agree to having casual sexual partners outside that relationship. I can understand wanting to sleep with different people but keeping your primary partner.

But I just do not buy the idea that it's possible to have multiple romantic partnerships going on at the same time and everyone involved in that dynamic gets their emotional needs met.

Having sex is really simple. Sharing your life in partnership with someone is so complex, it's difficult to do with just one partner, let alone multiple. I don't understand why you'd even want to bother. I struggle to find a free night to go to yoga. Fuck having to factor in a whole polycule's schedule.

I agree with PP, it can work, but in my experience of friends who have done it, it has always been relationship ending. I suspect the main problem is that it's usually driven by one person and the other goes along with it to keep them happy. If they both want it, it might work better but from the people I know who have done it, its always been one person pushing for it and the other being reluctant and thats a recipe for disaster.

I don’t buy that it’s possible to be with one person and have all your emotional needs met and judging by the threads on here that isn’t what is happening for most people

Yeah I was gonna say - every poly couple I know the women gets lots of sex/options and the man has zero and doesn't like it 😂

I've known two separate couples do this and both had the exact same experience: husband wants to do violent shit he's seen in porn, wife says no, husband convinced her to open the marriage so he can get it out of his system, wife gets inundated with offers and husband none, husband jealous, wife realises most men she's meeting are looking for someone to do violent shit with and becomes disillusioned, husband becomes romantic and non violent with his one hook up offer and claims to fall in love - lots of pain all round, then divorce.

I'm sure some people are enjoying it but it's being sold as a solution to other problems (like porn).

women find it much easier to arrange dates/hook ups and men usually find their dating pool very small
Which is particularly satisfying when you do see a man who has manipulated his female partner into opening the relationship only to find he’s sat at home while she’s off out dating

haha! This reminds me of a now famous reddit thread that went viral whereby a man was complaining that he had talked his girlfriend into opening up their relationship (and she was reluctant) and then was supremely pissed off that she was going out on dates every night having a wonderful time with different men whilst he couldnt even get one date. He was asking reddit how to broach ending the agreement and got his arse handed to him. It was beautiful.

I don't get it but at the same time I don't care about other people's sex lives as long as it's consentual.

If you want to sleep with others, sleep with others. No issue. But I don't understand why anyone would want to be in a relationship where they want to sleep with others. Stag single, shag whoever you want. Why have a relationship and technically do the exact opposite of a committed relationship.

I'm not even the jealous type. If my partner ever wanted to sleep with someone else, fine off with him but that's the end of us.

Haha serves him right 🤣

I don't think it's for me, but I know of successful poly relationships and less successful ones, as with monogamy.

I admire those friends who have done it successfully for their clear sightedness about what they are looking for and ability to communicate, but I am quite happy with one intimate partner and have never wanted more for myself and therefore I see myself as benefiting from monogamy!

From observation, I think it's tricky, even as a woman, to succeed with poly for a while after children if you want your second relationship to be much more than sex, because your first necessarily demands more as a coparenting relationship, so it is harder to find a partner who wants something that is longer term but where they will come second to the primary relationship in which the kids are being raised. Unless you raise the kids together from the outset. But that doesn't mean that it can't work out, or that a poly couple couldn't hit pause by mutual agreement for a time. The first intensive years of child rearing are a short period of time and people change over their lives.

I can see what another poster said that, as a single parent, having a range of less intense relationships in which partners would not expect to meet your kids would be much less pressured than trying to find and vet "the one" who would fit into your family life. If you can do it, it's much better and healthier than introducing your kids to someone you've been dating too early because they expect commitment from you.

It often seems to be done because the couple want to stay together for financial reasons but also for whatever reasons want sex with other people. I actually dislike it for this reason- the third wheel person can often be someone with quite low self esteem, the couple may shower them with affection, pay the hotel. All a bit wierd.

Often when people say they have it and it's great they'll go on to say there was a thing about someone developing feelings or doing something, it all seems a bit unsustainable, a lot of having to discuss and analyse to make sure no one's feelings are hurt. But if you bring a third person in you have a third person! So you either fully consider and involve them or you don't. I just don't see how it's not explotative.

Don't get me wrong, I like the idea but I think threesomes are for single people.

As for two consenting couples i feel that's different. I imagine it's tricky to find a couple you both find attractive. Also god the admin.

It's also getting quite crazy as a trend. I was on Tinder and for a whirl I chatted to a man looking for a woman for an open relationship. He was adamant that it had to be with a female. We got into discussion and I questioned the equality i.e why not possibly a man. He said if that sounds like having his cake and eating it then he's okay with that.

Those were the terms from the start 🙄

There's a massive community of swingers out there, just because it's not your cup of tea and you ideology of what's normal differs doesn't automatically mean it can't work...

I honestly have no idea. I don’t know anyone in a poly relationship, and I don’t want to try it myself: I’d personally find it too much of a pain in the arse, I don’t want to share my husband, and if I’m honest, im not actually attracted to many men apart from my husband and a few celebs

To add. Because I wouldn’t want a poly relationship doesn’t mean though that it wouldn’t work for someone else. It may be well do, and good for them

I'm sure it can work for a minority of people but not the majority.

I have noticed in my online observations that in a lot of swinging relationships, the man seems to be the one deciding who touches whom...

The only real life experience of non monogamy in a relationship was when a female friend asked if I'd 'fuck her boyfriend'. Apparently she had a deal with HIM, he could fuck me if she got to fuck his brother 😖
I declined. And let the friendship go.
Having said that I don't necessarily believe monogamy works for everyone. Especially if no children are involved.
I have had FWB over relationships and that works for me.

I watched the linked video with an open mind, but felt that despite it being apparently pro polyamoury, it painted a bleak picture, mainly with regard to the wife. She was clearly accepting a lot of stuff because she felt she deserved no better, and it had all been framed in these progressive terms that are clearly the way of thinking in those particular cicles, but ultimately it was a woman with a husband who had never been faithful to her and was now in love with a slim, more conventionally attractive woman.
Absolute painfest.
.

I agree. She was crying about how past partners had always upgraded to prettier, more conventionally attractive women and her husband has done exactly the same thing. He just hasn't left her on the condition that she doesn't question it.

The very cynical part of me thinks that he (and the new side piece) only keep Lindy in the throuple because Lindy is the most successful.

A lot of mainstream seems to focus on swinging or 3 in a bed situations. Whilst swinging is extremely common - more so than I think even the media believes - throuples are polyamory on hard mode.
I am polyamorous. I have never had a threesome and never would. I'd also never be in a triad. For me, a relationship is still two people, I just don't limit myself, or anyone I am seeing, to only being allowed that with 1 person. I am married, we do have kids and we have been together (and open) for 18 years. My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. Poly or monogamous, as long as the relationship works for the people involved and isn't coerced, it doesn't matter. I couldn't fathom not allowing a relationship to develop naturally between two people. Just as lot of people I know couldn't fathom having more than one relationship at a time. Both are fine.

Yes this. My feelings are hard enough to manage already, there's no way I could handle this additional challenge 🤣

I also very much agree with this. Humans are complex- sometimes the things you think you want end up being a nightmare because emotions come up you weren't prepared for. It's one thing to say you'd be fine with it in theory but in practice it's a completely different matter. I

also wouldnt want to be in a relationship with someone who was able to compartmentalise their feelings so clinically. It says something about them that I am not comfortable with, personally.

It's nearly always the man who suggests it.

Then, by far, the woman gets more attention and opportunities.

The man gets bitter. Usually starts looking for ways to boost his ego, tear down the woman or just generally sabotage the arrangement.

Woman will either suggest being monogamous again in order to have a peaceful life or she realises she has other options.

The latter is what I have seen happen time and time again.

Average dude sits at home, thinks wife is boring and comes up with a way he can "have all the sex with all the hot women"...

Then a period of time passes and said dude is typically alone, lamenting the fact that all women are cheats/liars/sluts/time wasters, because no one actually wants him and his wife ended up leaving.

I have observed this happen more times than I can count.
The kink community has a lot of poly and ENM couples. I find it fascinating to observe the formula from the sidelines haha

The very cynical part of me thinks that he (and the new side piece) only keep Lindy in the throuple because Lindy is the most successful.

This was my impression. I hadn't personally heard of her but she clearly has a level of success and visibility.

I noticed it was both the women who seemed to be more insecure in that situation. Lindy with the background of feeling she'd be left for a younger and thinner woman. Roya being conscious of being the newcomer, and the person in the relationship who was existing outside the protections of a legal marriage. She didn't mention Lindy being the one with the resources, but that was obviously there in the background.

That video was painful. Lindy was so upset and trying to put a positive spin on being cheated on. He was constantly touching the other women and Lindy was clearly trying to get him to hold her hand