To think that consensual non-monogamy is usually a recipe for disaster?

[Xaviera]

I know some people say it’s great fun and improves their relationship but I have real trouble believing that the majority of people don’t feel at least a bit of angst and jealousy. And if you don’t, do you really love your partner?

Also, I think it’s usually being driven by the man and the woman is afraid to leave her partner.

The ones I know about ended in tears. One situation, the man invited his friend into his and his gf’s bed and a year later the gf moved in with the friend.

Other one was driven by the man of a married couple but the woman went along with it until she realised that she didn’t like having sex with seedy men (because most swingers are not great looking). So they stopped but the husband carried on thinking about it, ended up cheating with sex workers = end of marriage.

i feel like people think it’s cool or something 🤷🏻‍♀️ we can all have fantasies but actually doing it is usually a shit idea imho.

Wow. This is cold. Finances and legal reasons did not prompt our marriage. It was based on connection, trust and love.

I actually love my husband and he loves me, and we’ve been married a long time with kids. Sex life still good. We’ve been through many difficult life circumstances. We are happy, secure and support each other. Is this not what marriage or having a long term partner is about for many people?

It was painful - just watched it.

Lindy was open about her low self esteem, feeling unlovable, how her partner met the OW at her lowest point, about her long slow journey to persuade herself that she could cope with him seeing another woman. It was agonising to watch. And it was also clear from watching the three of them where his real affections and love lay, and it wasn't with Lindy.

There may be genuine equal and loving poly relationships, but this sure as hell was not one of them.

I am in this sort of dynamic. However we do it as a solution to the bigger problem of a being in a marriage that I can’t leave. Or rather, I could, but I’m not prepared to upset my children’s lives and change their living arrangements simply because I want out. We tolerate each other as housemates and then both pursue external relationships. These extend beyond FWB. They are deeply involved and meaningful but limited by time and opportunity. I don’t really know what my husband thinks of this. We don’t discuss the detail. His main concern would be if anything I was doing impacted on him and the kids. Whilst I keep it separate it’s not an issue.

one thing that hasn’t been discussed on this thread is you don’t just fall in understanding how it all works. You have to carefully navigate boundaries and expectations. And you need to be emotionally resilient and not in any way jealous. It’s a lot. But wonderful when it works.

Seems like a great way to spread around STDs and other illnesses. Or maybe polyamorists are very careful in practising safe sex.

I couldn't do it (I am antisocial and possessive) but I have a very dear friend who is polyamorous. She has (I think) three partners, all of whom have other relationships as well. It all sounds like a fucking nightmare to me, but she and her polycule seem to be blissfully happy. There is a LOT of talking and negotiation about boundaries and roles etc - that alone would drive me wild, but they seem to enjoy it 🤷🏻‍♀️

It would drive me mad too. I worked with someone who was poly and it sounded like all they did was talk with their respective partners about being poly and the boundaries of the polycule and X partner's role and Y partner blah blah blah. I felt drained just hearing about it.

It's not for me.

And it's only just been mentioned upthread. What about STI's?

What about STI's?

Depends on the relationships. If it's a closed group, only a bit more risk than a couple. Otherwise, barrier contraceptives and regular testing.

Probably less risk than one half of a couple going off and having an affair.

STIs- this is taken seriously. Normally I would get a screen before having sex with a new partner. And I’d expect the same. This is an element of trust here- I’m assuming the person I’m sleeping with has done the same with their other partners.

I think the talking and negotiation in a poly relationship.would drive me even more mad than the sex!
I read Lindy West's book and thought she was too narcissistic to even be in a relationship, let alone a poly one. That video is tragic.

I've been reading up on this a bit more to try and understand how anyone could do this without getting horribly hurt. I still think that although the idea might be arousing the reality would generally be a minefield.

I've read about people with this lifestyle - apparently there was even a C4 documentary about it. The people that do this spend a huge amount of money on tickets to events, STI tests and lingerie.

I have noticed in my online observations that in a lot of swinging relationships, the man seems to be the one deciding who touches whom...

In 25 years experience I have noticed that in the vast majority of swinging relationships it's the woman deciding who touches whom...

That documentary was as much a documentary as any reality tv show...

Lots was scripted, several people have said afterwards the pairings were set up, and they chose all couples who would be controversial/tricky/easily upset etc.

It wasn't a proper documentary. It was a tv show made to have talking points. Very different

And with regard to STIs - i know one swinger who contracted an STI.

I know four monogamously married women who contracted an STI thanks to their cheating husband...

Ah, I se. Makes sense to take it seriously. If you have 3 partners who have other partners who have other partners... well, seems to heighten risks. But I know nothing of this lifestyle so interesting to hear how that's managed.

But the fact that people in monogamous relationships cheat is not in itself a reason why people should swing imo. For people like that, doing stuff behind their partners back can even be a kink 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think that you can have 'elements of trust' with hundreds of people you meet in clubs, online etc.

There are many, many people in life who don't have an ethical bone in their body and certainly wouldn't bother to behave decently, especially if there was no comeback on their actions.

And I'm not talking about swingers - I'm talking about society in general.

I am mystified and kind of jealous that there are people out there who can easily find so many people they want to sleep with.

I feel at best neutral and at worst actively sexually repulsed by the majority of people I see around me. 😕 I’m sure it wasn’t always this way. Maybe I need to move to a sexier neighbourhood.

I know of someone , a woman, who had a consensual affair of sorts and has now fallen in love with the other man and he her. She's still with her husband but God only knows how long the marriage will last now. Sounds like a disaster.

I think people that go to these parties probably find more of the population attractive than the average person.

Yes, since people are not made of stone, of course there is the potential for them to more easily fall for someone completely different. Because your emotions and brain chemistry are at a heightened state which doesn't happen when you're not being sexual.

I relate to this.

I met a polyamorous guy who has a longterm partner ...who is married.

Polyamory was a new concept to me so l read the Ethical Slut book too and really liked what l read and how it promoted trust, openness, boundaries, communication - all the things my lover said were important.

Except it didn't work out that way as he didn't actually keep to them - if he had I'd have been happy.

In this case polyamory wasn't the problem.... but the person promoting it.

I'm still really interested in the concept of it.

I think people compromise because of insecurity and low self-esteem etc vulnerabilities that lead them to those situations.

Marriage is a legal and financial contract—originally created to control women's reproduction—with some fancy language about love and god often added.

Recognising that it's perfectly normal for people to want a change after the child-rearing years would be much healthier all round. If people wanted to stick it out to death, that's fine, but they'd be rare.

What marriage needs is the sentimentality taking out of it.

I totally agree with this. The attempt to graft romance onto an ancient and misogynistic institution for codifying the behaviour and reproduction of women has always struck me as laughable.

Lots of people will be along shortly to say marriage can protect women and they are totally correct. Marriage in its practical application can be a very useful insurance for women who can’t or don’t want to make their own money.

But building the legal and financial framework of your whole life around binding you to the person who you most want to shag in your fertile years is ludicrously outdated. It’s laughable that this is still considered the best way to structure society.

Its an absurd conflation of an outdated morality with religious overlay and modern contract law.

We do need to get to a contractual framework which incentivises a couple to stay together for the years they raise children and disincentivises one partner leaving the other unsupported, but stops with the absurd fiction that it’s normal to stay with the same person for 60 years.

There are many cultures in which you don't marry the person you want to shag but instead the person most suitable in social standing, income, family , profession and so on. Marrying the person you want to shag is a very Western contract.

Agree with pp above who said she finds most people sexually repulsive or neutral. So do I!