Do some mums just not like working?

[Dragontooth]

I know this sounds awful, and judgey but I'm trying to understand. I am not a benefit basher and I used to be on benefits, also a single parent.
I'm on a lot of 'being skint' forums, I was on UC but now I have quite a lot of experience in various things so I like to try to help.
There are a number of mums who were previously on legacy benefits who are terrified by UC and the work search appointments. Lots who are unemployed and some who do very part time jobs, 10 hours or less.
I don't understand why they are so resistant to finding work or better paid work. Having been on benefits, it is a horrible existence. I was paid £850 per month. Clearly it would only take a MW part time job to make me so much better off. And they pay for childcare/ holiday club.
It literally changes your life. You can pay for things to have a better, easier life like driving lessons. Not only that but you are back in the work place so it's not such a shock when your children leave home.
I feel these women are so anxious, they can't see how their lives could look with more money/ options. Not only that but a lot of them have their heads in the sand about retirement, will we even get a state pension? Then there's the fact that it's so much harder getting back into employment after five or ten years out, I think that's what UC wants to avoid. I'm not saying it's a kind or person centred system but in reality is taking years out of the workplace really in these women's best interests either?
Disability/ disabled children obviously excluded.

Yeah .... because op is talking about mothers ?

@Lolajane80 My husband would be a far better SAHD than I ever would be a SAHM. If we could afford to he would likely be one. But the thought of being a SAHM fills me with dread, personally!

Nothing wrong with a stay at home dad! I love that. I kept saying mothers specifically as that's who op was talking about.

I have 4 kids and work 12 hour shifts in the nhs
It's a nightmare 😫
My youngest is in nursery, so she catches all the lovely bugs going around. I dread calling in sick when she is sick as the nursery will not accept unwell children (completely understandable)
To me, that is the most difficult aspect of working. I'm always burned out because I just never stop.

In fact, I thought about saving up just to enjoy not working for a while and being more present.

I'm constantly on autopilot. I totally understand why some don't work. There are many different reasons.

Yes, get a job so the taxpayer can pay most of your childcare. Makes sense. 🤔

May one ask why you chose to have four children?

Haha, I knew I'd get this comment

"Why 4 children"

Eugh forgot how toxic MN has become.

First child through SA

Three children via marriage.

Used to be able to run a family with one income, now you can barely run a family on 2 incomes.

I work to pay for them. Am I not allowed to feel burned out in the rat race while doing so? 😡

@Thumbelinahope

It's mumsnet. Even if you're paying for your children, you must justify your choices if you dare to say you feel tired. It is toxic, you're right.

And I'm sorry to hear that you experience SA. 💐 @Thumbelinahope

*experienced

Thank you so much 💖

It is ridiculous. The amount of crappy comments when you don't know what other people are going through. There are so many reasons why people don't work.
You get fed up with it. "Well, explain why you had this number of kids so as I can get angry over where my "taxes" are going."

It never used to be as bad as this a few years ago, but now it is so toxic.

@Thumbelinahope

I know. Don't let them get you down.

One of the reasons I continue to be a SAHM is because one of my children has autism which I chose not to mention as I know the shit you get on here for that. I noticed a comment from one poster about people using neuro diversity as an 'excuse' not to work. Nasty bastards.

Autism is extremely complex. Honestly, people are so arrogant. I worked with autistic children when I was younger and had a family friend whose son was autistic. His mum struggled a lot 😪 and was also pushed away from friends and some family members because "he's too much." it was heartbreaking watching the exclusion of both mum and son.

I often watch Edward Scissorhands. It just shows you how excluded you become if you're "different." I love that film so much.
I still see them often and have such a soft spot. It is them two against the world.
Makes me laugh when some people legitimately think it does not exist or "needs discipline." Please come and care for an individual with autism for 24 hours and see how you get on. It's heartbreaking 💔

You're doing an amazing job. Keep going 💪 ✨️

You sound a typical judgy person.
You do not know any ones circumstances as to why they are on benefits,why they are not working full time ! Mental health,Health reasons etc etc,and UC is extremely difficult and exhausting if you are faced with these issues.
why don’t people just focus on them and there own lives.

@Abbodabs like I said in my OP, because it's not preparing women for life after their kids go up. If you give up work when your oldest is born, and then go try to go back when your youngest is 16, that could be 20 years + out of the workplace.
If you claim UC you should be prepared to try to find work which pays enough for you to live on. Mums should do that because they need to think about their own future and security. State pension alone is tiny and many won't get pension credit.
There's very few people who need to stay home for school aged children. My child has SEN and an EHCP and goes to after school club.
The more women who are in work, asking for reasonable adjustments, the better the workplaces will become.

My child has SEN and an EHCP and goes to after school club.

Gold medal for you, you're just do much better than other parents who need to be at home for their child. Go you.

🙄🙄🙄

@PrettyAsAVine I'm not saying that's the same for all SEN children but that she had to go because I had to work. When people say their child doesn't cope in certain settings, I think they underestimate that there will be a settling in period. Your child might not love it straight away. But a lot cope!
I have to work to live. UC is not enough for me to live on. I'm a single parent. I can't not work. I have many friends in similar situations. Our children become resilient. It's not about superiority, it's about survival. Some of us don't have the luxury of not working. My children have to adapt.

Ah yes, good old resilience. Autistic kids who struggle just need to be more resilient. Got it.

@PrettyAsAVine there is no such thing as one autistic child, as you know and acknowledge. But the more parents hear 'autistic children don't cope in after school or holiday clubs' the more they believe it. It took over six holiday club trials before we found one we liked. They're all different you can't just write off holiday clubs if your child doesn't like it once.
Like I said, I need to work. What do you suggest to parents of SEN children who need to work?
In my case, if I couldn't work, I would have to sell my house, use any equity to pay private rent (which would be nigh on impossible to get on benefits alone), run the equity down to under 6K so I was eligible for the housing benefit part of UC. Do you see what I mean? For my daughter this would mean new house, new school, depressed mum, no help with deposit or driving lessons or anything which my wages might have contributed for, no holidays, no money to explore her special interests or passions.
So yes, my daughter developing a little bit of resilience in order to go to afterschool club and holiday club so that mummy can work is in her best interests for the reasons listed above.

What do you suggest to parents of SEN children who need to work?

I don't suggest anything other than do what is right for you and your child and shut the fuck up about what other people do for theirs. Pretty simple really. Most parents are doing their best.

Sorry do you have a husband or partner? Because if you do you have no idea about the crushing responsibility of being the sole earner for your children. About losing your job. About missing payments. About your card being declined for milk and bread. All of which I have experienced.
You make comments about resilience being a dirty word and I hear this said in the SEN community all the time. Someone even said I was emotionally abusive for making my daughter go to school when she was having a hard time transitioning to a new class. As much as it is a luxury for me to be able to work, as my daughter's needs allow me to, it is also a luxury for others not to, as they have someone else to share financial responsibility. It works both ways. Don't judge me for the choices I have to make to survive, which I think you did that when you cited my use of resilience as if it was a bad thing.
I didn't say anything about parent carers and if you re- read my OP then you'll see I put 'disabled parents/ disabled children excluded 'at the bottom, and I included neurodivergent parents and children in that. But now you've come for me, which is unfair, we're all just trying to do the best.
Some parents of SEN children absolutely cannot work around their child's needs. I have many friends who can't work due to their child's needs. No one is saying they should, definitely not me. If your child gets DLA, then the parent should have no work search requirements.

Woah, I wasn't criticising you!
I just wondered why you had four children when you also had a challenging professional job. No criticism just curiosity.

Bloody hell - it wasn't a comment, nasty or otherwise. It was a genuine question. Don't see toxicity where there isn't any.

No I didn't judge you, you've made that up.

I trust that parents know their children best and know what they can cope with and what they can't, usually after having tried things. You on the other hand don't believe other parents when it's none of your business and you don't know the children and parents involved. You're the one judging.

You do you. Let others sort their own life out. If you post goady shit on mumsnet while being all wide eyed about it, you'll be challenged.

Get in with your own life and stop worrying about what other people are doing. You'll be no better off for it, just a bit more bitter.

Bloody hell - it wasn't a comment, nasty or otherwise. It was a genuine question. Don't see toxicity where there isn't any.

It was a loaded question and you know it, thinking you had some sort of 'gotcha moment'. You only showed yourself up.