Do some mums just not like working?

[Dragontooth]

I know this sounds awful, and judgey but I'm trying to understand. I am not a benefit basher and I used to be on benefits, also a single parent.
I'm on a lot of 'being skint' forums, I was on UC but now I have quite a lot of experience in various things so I like to try to help.
There are a number of mums who were previously on legacy benefits who are terrified by UC and the work search appointments. Lots who are unemployed and some who do very part time jobs, 10 hours or less.
I don't understand why they are so resistant to finding work or better paid work. Having been on benefits, it is a horrible existence. I was paid £850 per month. Clearly it would only take a MW part time job to make me so much better off. And they pay for childcare/ holiday club.
It literally changes your life. You can pay for things to have a better, easier life like driving lessons. Not only that but you are back in the work place so it's not such a shock when your children leave home.
I feel these women are so anxious, they can't see how their lives could look with more money/ options. Not only that but a lot of them have their heads in the sand about retirement, will we even get a state pension? Then there's the fact that it's so much harder getting back into employment after five or ten years out, I think that's what UC wants to avoid. I'm not saying it's a kind or person centred system but in reality is taking years out of the workplace really in these women's best interests either?
Disability/ disabled children obviously excluded.

I just want to defend the autistic parent on here who doesn’t work due to burn out. I’m also autistic and if I get burned out I can’t function anymore. If I try to read it doesn’t go in, I have more accidents, I can’t pay attention, I can’t think straight and I can even lose my ability to speak. I lose my ability to care for myself and eat well. I get memory issues. My mood dips, I get insomnia, I lose joy in everything and just exist. I think it would be more helpful to have a post about how to manage as an autistic parent who works rather than bash anyone who chooses not to work because they don’t know if they can manage

Totally agree.

If your partner can’t support you enough to be a SAHM, in my opinion you should be at work.

The choice to be a SAHP should be made only when you can afford it yourself, as a family, without state help.

Totally different to those who can’t work because of their own ill health, or their children having enhanced care needs.

I understand your point and think you've been really kind.

I suppose I just feel like life can be very hard. I feel more sorry for people who have my struggles (which sound similar to yours), and go to work, than people who don't.

So does someone support you financially?

Being a mum is working. I can't imagine what it's like to be a single parent but if a mum wants to be there to look after her children then that should be an option just as going out to work should also be an option.

My ex SIL is not just abusing the benefits system - she, post divorce, applied for her child to go to a boarding school on a full bursary, pleading abject poverty, saying my db does not pay child support, etc. etc. She has multiple properties in Sunny Beach, which she rents and does not declare it in the UK. The school gave her a full bursary. I keep my mouth shut because of my niece and my db, but deep down I know she needs to be reported, which I am not doing again, because of my db and niece.

I've worked since my kids were 6 weeks old. Still had some kind of UC (or legacy) top up due to circumstances but cannot imagine not working. It gives me an identify, I need time away from my kids to be me.

I’ve never understood this. Genuinely never understood it.

People who work and parent, do they have two full time jobs? When kids go to school - yes there’s housework to be done, but working parents do that after work too?

An option paid for by who exactly?

My partner is a teacher, I’ve been a SAHM for 2 years. I will be going back to work when they start school and I’m terrified. My confidence is so low and I never think I’m good at anything. It really scares me. I think a lot of people will be like me, it’s not just ‘laziness’

'@Flowery57
Why do do many people in this country suddenly have ‘chronic health problems’ so they are ‘unable to work’? Very depressing and just one reason why sadly this country is on a downward spiral.'

There are some very obvious and legitimate reasons:

• people affected by long Covid
• NHS ridiculous waiting lists mean people are waiting too long for treatment and surgery, so their conditions get worse and they become unable to work while they wait and wait for hospital treatment and operations
• The dire state of mental health services
• high levels of stress affecting people's mental health in many professions (teaching and NHS frontline services come to mind) where employers do nothing to address staff shortages and unrealistic workloads and treat staff poorly to the point where they burn out.

Your post seems to suggest that it is just people being lazy & faking illnesses but that's a really simplistic and inaccurate view...

How did that happen in two years. Have you seen a doctor?

The thing is, in reality, it's not a job. It's parenting.

Yes, it's hard work looking after children all day. I'll be honest and say I'd rather work full time than be a SAHM (I work part time and love my days with her because of the balance). But it isn't a job to parent your own children.

Yes I have and I’ve been on anxiety meds for 10 years. I had a traumatic childhood and then went on to have an abusive relationship. So it hasn’t just been a 2 year thing.

I am just dreaming and musing here. Might we get back to how it was for earlier generations? During the 1950s my Grandparents could afford to buy a house and eat well on G'Dads income. G'mother had 3 children. In the 1960s they bought a car.
At the moment only ASLEF and Tube drivers can afford this.

Not for a long, long time, I would hazard. I’m in my 60s and when I was growing up, after the youngest was old enough, every mum I knew worked. Possibly because they liked to or needed to. Part time/term time but they worked.

You must be dreaming, or something else, to make a statement like that.

No it’s not a job, can you imagine if society said, had a baby, let’s pay you to stay home, what a wheeze that would be.!

I don’t think so. I think we all know people who are quite capable of working and having a job often benefits people, giving them deeper feelings of self worth and confidence. I know a young man of 23 who is in good health and who has never worked. He says ‘why should I when I get benefits?’
Of course there will always be some people who are unable to work and there should be a safety net for them.
I am conscious however that we are diverting from OP’s original post.

This is really sensible advice!

I was a child of the 60s
DF worked 50 hours a week, DM 20-25 hours, they could not afford to buy a house or a car, holidays were camping or staying with relatives, sometimes they would hire a car for a week to make that possible
Most working class families rented privately (affordable terraced housing) or were lucky enough to get a council tenancy

We have all had anxieties about going back to work after holidays mat leave etc.
as a student nurse I used to get anxious when I had to move areas, however in my day in order to multi skill we had to move regularly. We need to learn to deal with this not moan and make excuses about everything

I haven’t read the whole thread, but in general I think it would be better if employers were more flexible. (I don’t refer to jobs that have to have set hours such as retail) but there are many jobs where people could be fully or mostly remote, complete their 8 or 10 hours whenever they wanted through the day, so in one go, in chunks or do compressed hours.

And companies should not be allowed to pay so low that employees need top ups from UC and essentially the tax system.

I don’t know when in history it was decided Monday to Friday 9-5 was a typical work week (yes I know this isn’t every job or shift work but for the majority) with all the technology available now I’d think a good chunk of jobs could offer remote and flexible working which could help matters somewhat. Although I suppose this might not fully help single parents with very young children as you couldn’t WFH with young children needing you too.

🤣🤣🤣

Good you were smart to better your life. You need to be humble though.

seriously, you can’t just decide that other people’s life is less good than yours 🤷🏼‍♀️ 🤦🏼‍♀️

Given the choice, the majority of people would likely choose not to juggle work, childcare, and daily life. Financial necessity is the primary reason most people work. Therefore, having the means to not work is considered a luxury.
Do you not get that?