To move away from family because they use us?

[Dreamingofmoving]

DH and I live in our home town, about 5min from both sets of parents.

They are 50s/60s and constantly calling us and asking for help and then get annoyed if we can't help them.

Some examples this week, DHs parents want to go on holiday and have said 'you'll need to take your brother to his basketball training because he doesn't drive and take the dog too'

DHs bro is 18 and learning to drive but can't yet. He also isn't trusted to watch the dog. So they expect DH to take their old dog who can't see or hear, is nervous and has no bladder control, for a week and drive his bro to basketball 3 evenings that week, wait there until the session finishes and drive him home. All while working full time and commuting to the office 3 times a week.

DH has injured his shoulder badly. He was off work. They know this, but call and ask him to help move their couch. There's 3 of them in the house, so no idea why he has to help. He said he couldn't because of his shoulder and they were annoyed.

My own parents and sister are always asking me to watch their dogs or pick them up and drop them off from things as well. They put so much pressure on family events, often expecting me and my siblings to shell out money for family holidays and being annoyed if we can't facilitate.

I have no DC yet or pets, so naturally I don't require the same level of help, which is why I wonder if I am being unreasonable or selfish. But we do consider moving away just for peace 🤦‍♀️ I find them all suffocating but also feel guilty about leaving because I know they won't take it well.

Yeah absolutely. I wouldn't tell them until it's basically a done deal otherwise they'll try to guilt you into staying.

2 of my adult dc live 5 mins away. I am in my 50's. Can't remember ever asking them to come over and do anything apart from eat tea once a week!! When dd had dcats we fed each other's if we were away. Since she lost her dcats I no longer as her... You need to be less available and give less fucks if they complain.. What can they do to you if you say no? Silent treatment? Win bloody win...

Do it! Keep saying no to stuff, they are presumably able bodied and don’t really need extra help?

I'd be off like a shot OP. YANBU at all and it will only get worse as they age. If they're only 50s/60s now I hate to think what it will be like when they're old.

If you want to move then go! But if you otherwise love where you live and can start just saying no then don’t feel you need to. As @Spenditlikebeckham says, what’s the worst that’ll happen if you don’t capitulate? Stop speaking to you? Result!

I wouldn't leave my home. Just keep saying no, they will get the message eventually.
18 year old surely can take a bus or cycle. Or walk if it is under an hour.
The fact that his parents don't trust him with the dog is their issue.

Sounds like DH family at least still see him as their son that they are in charge of and not a man with his own family.

Actually it sounds like you're parents are the same with you.

I assume you're both still young?

Keep saying no and just try to remind yourself that they are unreasonable if they get annoyed.

Maybe respond with "we can't do x,y,z, we don't want..., we feel, we, we, we" to drive home that you are your own family unit now. Rather than responding as their individual kids iykwim? You need to let them know that you no longer see them as the main family anymore. You two are your main family now.

@Cherrysoup yes they are all able bodied so no mobility needs. I'd be more accommodating if they actually needed the help!

I think they just think 'oh they don't have kids so they can help', because my siblings with children never get asked the same.

Yeah they'll just be huffy. We have started saying no more. I don't care if they get annoyed but seeing their names on our phones does stress us out.

If you want to move, move. If you like your house,
take the other option of growing a pair and saying no - on repeat.

@Round3HereWeGo yeah we are late 20s.

Moving house is a drastic and expensive way to solve the problem!

It sounds like you both haven't set boundaries? Why is it this? You have to set boundaries with everyone in life for your own sanity. Don't be apologetic, they are walking all over you. Be much firmer.

Say no if you can't and let them be annoyed.

Moving rather than confronting with an adult conversation is bonkers

If you do want kids at some point and you succeed in building a healthier relationship with the parents it will be a god send having them close by!

It blows my mind because DH and I arrange things ourselves and rely on each other. If we need to get to the airport for example, we book parking or pay for a taxi like normal people. We don't ask for lifts.

We don't have pets because we know we can't commit to the time and care they require. We don't have DC yet because we are working out the logistics of childcare and costs. I don't expect or want to rely on others.

Maybe I'm too much the other way, I don't know.

The few times we have needed help, they are nowhere to be seen.

We don't even like where we live! But we love our house and have spent a lot on making it ours.

They would be very upset if we moved.

We lived 20mins away at uni and DHs DM pretty much had a nervy B.

Actually, I do think it would be a nice thing to do to take the younger brother to one or two of his sessions. You seem to be nearby and it’s not as if you’re being asked to provide childcare for the whole week! It’s just helping out a young person who isn’t quite fully-fledged in life…It will also reinforce the relationship between your DH and hid DB. Perhaps he could catch a lift with a friend one way and then one of you pick him and his friend up?

Yes it is a nuisance, but perhaps it’s the generous thing to do? The lift giving and waiting around is all good practice for if/when you have your own children! 😉

The dog should go to kennels or some other form of pet-care.

But I do agree that the parents seem a bit demanding if they are needing help in their fifties. Many fifty-somethings are the ones giving help, to grandchildren or to their own parents!

Not every family is the same though. It's quite common in our family to give lifts to the airport but nobody gets upset if someone is not available to do it. I had people in my family leave work early or take a day off to drop me off/pick me up and I got up at 4am to drop someone off at the airport multiple times. It's a kind of thing we do.
We also sit for each-other's pets if we are asked. But sometimes someone has to say no. For example. my mum has a new puppy and my aunt would regularly take her old dog when she was on holiday but she cannot take the puppy this autumn because it is too much work and she has a lot of other commitments at the same time, so she won't be able to help. The puppy will go to kennels and there are no hard feelings.
So yes, asking and giving help to family members can be absolutely normal family dynamics. What isn't normal is being upset if people can't help every now and then.

@BadSkiingMum I just think it is a lot to be up at 6am, commute to work, do a full days work, get back to home town for half 6, pick up his DB and then sit in the car until he finishes at 9 and be home for half 9. Doing that 3 times a week is a lot. They could just leave him taxi money.

We moved from our home town to Wales in our 20s, not because we wanted to get away from family though. Honestly, I would say do it! Living somewhere new will give you a whole load of new experiences and a fresh perspective. You don't have to stay there to be put upon by your families.

@Catza that's true and if they didn't react badly, maybe I wouldn't mind the asks. I just find myself avoiding calls because they always need me or are looking for something and then having to make up excuses (when really I'm just tired!).

Last time I was asked to call in and feed a cat I couldn’t as away. I haven’t been asked again- I am relieved -said cat doesn’t know me, would hide under the bed, pooed on the carpet twice -wouldn’t come in when supposed to.
im retired and have the time but I also feel sad for the cat - just refuse to do it - their pet their problem.

80 percent of the time I help, but I do grudge it and we honestly feel run into the ground by them all.

I don't know if we just have low tolerance but working full time just bloody knackers me and I don't want to spend my free time running about after people who don't actually need the help. I know that sounds bad but it's just the truth.

It’s a choice between independence and creating a new home that you love in an area that you like or carrying on like this indefinitely. If you were ok with the latter then you wouldn’t have posted

100 miles away is about right, in the experience of me and all my friends. It definitely makes sense. The OP's experience sounds unbearably claustrophobic.

For the sake of your relationships with your families but as well between you and your partner I would definitely advice to move away. If you think won't take well verbal boundaries then distance ones will worked.