To move away from family because they use us?

[Dreamingofmoving]

DH and I live in our home town, about 5min from both sets of parents.

They are 50s/60s and constantly calling us and asking for help and then get annoyed if we can't help them.

Some examples this week, DHs parents want to go on holiday and have said 'you'll need to take your brother to his basketball training because he doesn't drive and take the dog too'

DHs bro is 18 and learning to drive but can't yet. He also isn't trusted to watch the dog. So they expect DH to take their old dog who can't see or hear, is nervous and has no bladder control, for a week and drive his bro to basketball 3 evenings that week, wait there until the session finishes and drive him home. All while working full time and commuting to the office 3 times a week.

DH has injured his shoulder badly. He was off work. They know this, but call and ask him to help move their couch. There's 3 of them in the house, so no idea why he has to help. He said he couldn't because of his shoulder and they were annoyed.

My own parents and sister are always asking me to watch their dogs or pick them up and drop them off from things as well. They put so much pressure on family events, often expecting me and my siblings to shell out money for family holidays and being annoyed if we can't facilitate.

I have no DC yet or pets, so naturally I don't require the same level of help, which is why I wonder if I am being unreasonable or selfish. But we do consider moving away just for peace 🤦‍♀️ I find them all suffocating but also feel guilty about leaving because I know they won't take it well.

Your family sound like scavengers, entitled to your money because you are working and don't have children yet, his family sound like they still consider him part of their main family/under their control.

If you want to move move or have a word with them about the disrespectful comments and expectations, an 18yr old can get himself there and back unless he has extra additional needs and tell them you don't have time or the inclination to look after an elderly incontinent dog, that's why you don't have your own.

I actively moved away from family because of this, and it was the best thing I ever did.

do it - don’t wait! This kind of piss taking goes on and on, even when you have kids, so move away. You’ll get push back and comments about being selfish and abandoning them - be prepared - but ignore this. It’s the selfishness rearing its head again, and you need to remember it’s why you are moving.

I can tell you now, this is only going to get much, much worse. Boundary setting or no boundary setting which to be honest you both sound fairly crap at so I'd move. If you move 100 miles away, I think they'd still demand that your DH drove down, collected the dog for the week and then returned it to be honest. Presume if you both went to uni 20 mins away that your entire friendship group is local to you so a move is probably really unpalatable. I'd certainly be looking for your next "fixer upper" distinctly further than 5 mins away from both sets of families though.

You both learn to say "No, that won't be possible, sorry" and develop some attitude when you get the passive aggressive comments about your lifestyle.

Perhaps you could answer there calls with hello, what do you want this time? They'll explode but you'll actually enjoy waiting for them to ask for something.

On a more serious note, since the help only goes one way my packed bags would be sitting in the hallway yesterday.

Move and be free of their nonsense.

@Dreamingofmoving - I too think that moving is drastic and expensive to try to fix an issue.

Have you tried pushing back a bit on their requests? You posed this “The few times we have needed help, they are nowhere to be seen.” and I think that if you said “We can’t help you get to the airport/training. Come to think of it, when we needed your help, you guys weren’t able to give it so I’m seeing this more as a two way thing and not just us being at your beck and call. DH and I have our own schedule which you don’t seem to factor into any requests. Just because we might not have kids yet doesn’t mean that our evenings/days are any less busy or occupied.” Or something like that.

Do you want to move?

It sounds very much like you haven't seen much of the world yet.

Go enjoy your life, you only get one shot at it.

Your family are ridiculous and don't think you are separate people. You don't owe them apologies or excuses.

Go and live your life, without guilt.

I too think that moving is drastic and expensive to try to fix an issue.

I don't think it's drastic to move house in your 20s when you've barely left your hometown and don't like the area you live in. I'd feel utterly suffocated and need to strike out and make my own family home more than five mins away from both sets of parents. If they stay put, they'll never escape all this ridiculous piss-taking and guilt-tripping.

They sound like 'family should always help each other' types where this means family are supposed to do each and every thing that needs doing, and drop anything else they have going on to do it. It's common among people who've always had family nearby. People who have moved, ever, get used to broadening their networks and GASP paying for childcare, lifts, pet sitting and the like.

Point out this is what you do. Could the brother get lifts to basketball with others who are also going? They could do a week on and a week off, or alternate pick up and drop off. Less work for everyone. Send them links to local pet sitters. They still won't like it but they can't then claim you are the only option.

Really, really surprised 91% of people who have voted think the OP and her partner should go through all the upheaval of moving house, away from all the know and presumably are comfortable with instead of just asserting themselves a little bit

I wouldn't even consider moving @Dreamingofmoving
You (both) just need to assert some boundaries.

The dog - "No, we can't have him, we are at work. Anyway, brother's home - he can look after him"
The lifts to basketball - "No, we can't. Why not ask a team mate for a lift. They will be going anyway."
the couch - "How can you have not remembered I can't life anything ?". Or "How can it need more than 3 people to move a couch?"
Re your family's dogs - "Look, we've chosen not to have pets as we don't want to be tied down to them. That includes other people's pets. No, we don't want to look after them."
Re being your family's chauffeur - "No, that doesn't work for us. They need to walk / get a bus / ask someone who is already going for a lift / learn to drive / get a taxi"
Re holidays (not that that would be different if you did move away). "Not this year, we've got other plans"

This isn't about where you live, but is about expectations. That yours and theirs are different. It involves a conversation and then sticking to what you say, not moving house.

They've asserted their boundaries. They've said no to things. The parents are annoyed and give them shit about it. They don't need to live like this, and the longer it goes on (and it's gone on long enough), the more ground down and trapped OP and her family will be, and it'll go on with her DC in turn when they come along. Clearly the parents on both sides aren't the sort to have an adult conversation, learn their lesson and back off. It'd be nice if they were, but they've demonstrated over and over that they're selfish and their expectations aren't going to lessen no matter what the OP says. Personally I think it's good for someone to move away from 'all they know' when their lives have been so tightly circumscribed anyway. It's not upheaval for a young couple like this. It's an adventure and the kind of thing most couples do in their 20s and 30s more than once.

So move the, but don't complain when you have no help if you have children

@NewName24 thanks for your reply. I do understand what people are saying about boundaries.

I have said no and do say no. But saying no doesn't stop any of it. They just phone later on, text about something else, DHs family check his whereabouts by driving past and seeing if our car is home if he says no (it's nuts). So even saying no, it's just uncomfortable being in close proximity to that behaviour.

It's just the way they are. Constantly setting boundaries is really draining and they don't get the message. That's why I think it would be easier to move because I just don't see them changing, and I see us saying no again and again and that is so tiresome.

I think some distance would be good!

@Flopsythebunny I might never have children and if I do, living close by doesn't necessarily mean they'll help me. And can you imagine all the strings attached to any help!

I've only read the first few posts so apologies if you've said something else that would make what I'm about to say nonsensical.

I'd think of your situation another way. If you want a 'village' to help support you when you need things, then you must also be available to help the village. I've got a toddler and the village of help around me (in laws and parents) has been amazing, and more than I deserve considering I didn't put very much into that village before kids. In fact, I was pretty self centred and had to be cajoled to do much in the way of obligations.

So from my pov now, if people need help I'd give it, if you're able to. When you can't, then you just say you can't. But being close to support networks are great, just remember they work both ways.

But maybe they don't work both ways here, if the parents are this self-centred. So OP will just be doubly put upon when/if she has her own DC to look after as well as having to do her parents' bidding or put up with the consequences.

No. They are all piss takers.
Move and enjoy ur quiet time. Once u are away they may realise how much u did for them.
And the 18 year old come on, tell him to do one. He's a grown ass adult. He can get the bus walk or ride a bike. Or he doesn't go to class that week. So entitled. And pets are their responsibility too and plenty of pet sitter about these days too.
Get out, move and spend some time on yourself and partner.

Move . Yes, they may get upset, but that’s their problem, not yours.

Ah parental weaponised incompetence.
At your age, I am ashamed to say my parents were the complete opposite and I was your age and like an overgrown teenager. My parents existed as service providers in their 50’s/60’s. My mum worked full time, used to help with my cleaning, did my washing and ironing - I know I hold my head in shame. I did have a really, really busy job with long hours but still.
They never asked us to do anything. I cringe now at my own behaviour. Luckily, I grew up a bit and was able to repay them with care when they needed.
This time in your life should be mostly about you. Parents shouldn’t have kids to turn them into service providers.
They are taking you for granted and also the comments about swanning off are ridiculous. A little bit of envy coming through there.
I would encourage your DH over his brother at least for one night. Surely other lads have parents who offer lifts and could help out at other times?
I hate to say it but you either need to start staying no or move house. Actually sitting them down and telling them that might be like detonating a bomb, but if you both decided to move to Australia, they’d all have to get on with it. You don’t have to go that far, but if you stay like this one day you will be in your 50’s with a tribe of teenage kids and four parents all requiring care.

Of course you're being unreasonable. Why is it easier to take the drastic step of moving away than to simply say 'No' if you're asked to do something you can't or don't want to do?

If they drive I have no idea why they are asking for lifts.
I think I’d move -once they are old they’ll be a nightmare.

I'd be off like a shot! If they are so dependent now, what on earth would they be like in 30 years?

They're not going to help out with childcare - this help is one-way and always will be.

I couldn't stand them driving by to check on your whereabouts - that would do my head in!

Why are people telling them to say no, as if they've not thought of that? OP's posts clearly show she and her DH have done this and it doesn't work. She's exhausted by the constant boundary-setting which doesn't work and makes them even more intrusive. She's not gone from saying nothing to thinking of moving. They've pushed and pushed and this is where it's understandably led.

I think as a first step, I'd agree with DH and get comfortable with them thinking I'm rude and just start pushing back. They are very entitled and rude. I get the impression you wouldn't mind helping them, it's that they're demanding it and you feel like you've been summoned and don't have any agency (I am very similar OP). But you do! You and DH have 100% agency over your own lives.

I would also correct them when they say you're "swanning off" etc, that you both work very hard and can't wait for your lovely holiday.

If that doesn't help, I would say yes it would be helpful to move because they're likely to get worse as they age.

I live 200 miles away from my parents and it's bliss. They've never had the option to call upon me for this sort of thing. I love them, but the distance works for me.

Because moving away just removes all of the noise and the option entirely.