To move away from family because they use us?

[Dreamingofmoving]

DH and I live in our home town, about 5min from both sets of parents.

They are 50s/60s and constantly calling us and asking for help and then get annoyed if we can't help them.

Some examples this week, DHs parents want to go on holiday and have said 'you'll need to take your brother to his basketball training because he doesn't drive and take the dog too'

DHs bro is 18 and learning to drive but can't yet. He also isn't trusted to watch the dog. So they expect DH to take their old dog who can't see or hear, is nervous and has no bladder control, for a week and drive his bro to basketball 3 evenings that week, wait there until the session finishes and drive him home. All while working full time and commuting to the office 3 times a week.

DH has injured his shoulder badly. He was off work. They know this, but call and ask him to help move their couch. There's 3 of them in the house, so no idea why he has to help. He said he couldn't because of his shoulder and they were annoyed.

My own parents and sister are always asking me to watch their dogs or pick them up and drop them off from things as well. They put so much pressure on family events, often expecting me and my siblings to shell out money for family holidays and being annoyed if we can't facilitate.

I have no DC yet or pets, so naturally I don't require the same level of help, which is why I wonder if I am being unreasonable or selfish. But we do consider moving away just for peace 🤦‍♀️ I find them all suffocating but also feel guilty about leaving because I know they won't take it well.

My mum tried to convince me to buy a house on her street! No way!!

An old saying I heard many years ago and have stuck by is: Be far enough away for them to need to put their hat on to visit, but not so far away they have to stay the night.

Talk to them NOW! Tell them you've thought it over and the dog and basketball are too much for the two of you to take on on top of work. You'll take the dog this time but from now on he will have to go into kennels but they will have to make other arrangement for basketball. If they kick up stink tell them you are shocked at their attitude and are rethinking taking dog. Just stay calm and repeat 'it's too much to ask'.

As PP have said this might lead to a row and distancing but it won't last forever and it's cheaper than moving.

I think that both sets of parents just see you as a child free couple with loads of free time and money to go place's. The reality is that your husband is commuting 3 days a week and has long days doing this. Your also working full time. The evenings and weekends are your times for you to do things and go places.

I would not be minding their old dog when there son is still at home. Why can't they arrange lifts for your husbands brother sport? Most couples I know whose kids did sports shared lifts with other parents to make life easier for everyone.

Both your and his parents are only on their 50's and 60's and I think it's a case of learned helpless or an expectation that of course you have nothing better to do. How good are they if you asked them for favour in return? Are they the same with the other married siblings with children? Do they help out with their childcare at times?
Do you think that your or your husband siblings are just sitting back and expect you to help both sets of parents out now and in the future as they get older?

At this stage I would stop answering the calls. Let them leave a message and ring them back a few hours later or the next day. Let them ring one of their other adult children to do what they need doing.

If you decide to move area I would move about 30 - 60 mins drive away. Your near for the odd visit but not available to do all the extra help. Moving area could give your husband a shorter commute to work and perhaps give you better job opportunities. I would not tell them anything until you are just about to put your home on the market.

One of my friends was in a similar position to you and was always helping out with things like filling out forms, getting information and helping with technology.
If she asked for some help their was an excuse a lot of the time. My friend decided step back. She say when asked about things I don't know but why don't you ask x or one of the grandkids who are good with technology.
My friend recently found out something. It's made her realise a few things and she is now making plans to suit her life.

Give yourselves permission to not answer your phone when you see their names.

It can be difficult, but has to be done. My FIL was the same, especially once DH started working from home. He would never have called DH "at work" with the stream of trivial nonsense he called about once DH was home all the time. I used to unplug the house phone on a Saturday morning to get some peace, but during the week we left it to go to answer phone if he called. Feels a bit mean, but they bring It on themselves.

This.

Start saying no and setting boundaries!

One thing I noticed in your post was that some of these "favours" were needed because they were on holiday - but you get the snide remarks when you take a leaf out of their book!
I also spotted that younger brother is still living at home; no university for him? I know it's not for everybody, but it's typically the age for spreading the wings a bit, even if they've chosen to start work instead of studying, while still living at home. If your husband is in his late twenties, that's quite an age gap, and it sounds as if he's being coddled a bit too much. For his own sake, he needs broaden his own horizons.**

You need to say sorry dp I am not able to help you. I can give you the number of a handiman, taxi service, gardener etc. Repeat repeat. Develop deafness and a tougher skin to repel unwanted snide comments.

OP, move away if that is what you want to do. The amount you are called upon will only increase as your inlaws age, and the amount of aggro you get if you try to push back will surely increase. Not to mention the guilt you may end up feeling! And I don't think you are too independent. It's perfectly reasonable (and commendable) that you want to be accountable for your own life. Bless their hearts, but your families sound like demanding pains in the arse.

Trouble with you moving is they may want to come and stay with you, or be nagging for you to visit them all the time.

Keep telling them how busy you are and don't have time to babysit them.

Or shocker, kid could get the bus/walk ask a mate to pick him up.

I don’t know, my family pick me up from the airport if they can and I return the favour. You do help out in families, I think the line is asking only because you actually could do with some help. the thing is OP you don’t need any favours or help yet, you may need them in the future, that’s something to bear in mind.

I’ll give you a cautionary tale re moving away. My sibling did this, emigrated in fact. He can’t bear my parents. They went over 22 times in 11 years! It’s only stopped because my df died and dm reckons she’s too incapable to go alone (there’s nothing wrong with her)

Do they sound like they're givers or takers? Seems like the help goes one way, from OP to them, and as she said, any 'help' from them would come with very onerous strings attached. Your family sound much nicer but not everyone's are, sadly.

The dB can get a taxi or miss basketball for a week or get lift with friends or ...
Your dp just needs to say "no sorry I cannot"

Really, I'm still getting help off my parents, I'm in my 50's. My dc get help from me or my ever willing parents not the other way around

Thing is though in the parents’ eyes the poor OP and her husband are just kids to be used. The parents obv have no interest in accepting the boundaries. So by staying she signs up to another 20+30 years of pushing back. And it just makes you feel bad to say no even if the request is unreasonable!

the drive by to check the DH car would be enough for me.

I think move. Or at least have a good look into it

I think you have answered your own question OP. "So even saying no, it's just uncomfortable being in close proximity to that behaviour. "

You're young. I would move. Enjoy building a life together in peace. The distance can have benefits for the relationship with family too. You may find time together is then quality time rather than resentment under obligation.

Yeah fair point, theres definitely a willingness to lend a hand in my family and they don’t really ask unless they really need help. i’ve never asked anyone for a lift from the airport, they offer. So yeah I suppose it’s a different dynamic if you feel you are always on call.

It is a lot to ask your partner to take his brother 3 a week, that’s his whole evening taken up. Is there not a mate on the team who can do it? I’d say I’d do one but didn’t want to give up 3 evenings a week. Can he not get public transport? The dog I guess is different as he sounds old and I wouldn’t want to put it into kennels, but it is a big ask. I hate (so don’t) asking anyone to help me, but then no family are nearby. My brother always asks for lifts to the airport (go a lot as his in-laws are in Poland) but I never see him doing any favours to anyone. He thinks as he pays petrol it’s ok to ask someone to pick you up at 11.30pm for a 45 mins drive when you’ve got work in the morning. I wouldn’t dream of asking

Firstly, 'A nervy B'!! I absolutely LOVE that phrase! Permission to use it please??

Secondly, as other have said, just keep being increasingly unavailable, (don't answer phone calls/texts as much), don't phone back for a few days, have ready excuses, even if they are fibs. They'll get the hint eventually. It's nice to be close to your family but this just sounds like both sets of parents think you're both at their beck and call.

@Jinglejanglesten

I wouldn't use nervy b. It trivialises something awful.

Firstly, 'A nervy B'!! I absolutely LOVE that phrase! Permission to use it please??

I've read that in Marian Keyes' novels before - is it commonly said in Dublin?

I've had several nervy Bs and they are beyond awful. Too awful to really give a shit what somebody else chooses to call them.

Oh sorry if nervy B is has offended anyone. I just thought it was a short term for nervous breakdown. Apologies.

Is it really less hassle to move than it is to just start saying no? I mean, if it is, then yeah, move. But why not just refuse (especially if they've told you what "you'll need" to do - wtf? - instead of ASKING politely) and letting go of the guilt or whatever it is? So they "get annoyed" - so what? You sound quite annoyed with the situation. Why does their annoyance trump yours?

If you can't conquer the attitude that lies behind all this - your belief that they have the authority to order you about and that their anger is something to be scared of - you could end up worse than before. Because you'll just end up driving 30 min (or 60, or whatever) every time they issue a summons, instead of five.