To move away from family because they use us?

[Dreamingofmoving]

DH and I live in our home town, about 5min from both sets of parents.

They are 50s/60s and constantly calling us and asking for help and then get annoyed if we can't help them.

Some examples this week, DHs parents want to go on holiday and have said 'you'll need to take your brother to his basketball training because he doesn't drive and take the dog too'

DHs bro is 18 and learning to drive but can't yet. He also isn't trusted to watch the dog. So they expect DH to take their old dog who can't see or hear, is nervous and has no bladder control, for a week and drive his bro to basketball 3 evenings that week, wait there until the session finishes and drive him home. All while working full time and commuting to the office 3 times a week.

DH has injured his shoulder badly. He was off work. They know this, but call and ask him to help move their couch. There's 3 of them in the house, so no idea why he has to help. He said he couldn't because of his shoulder and they were annoyed.

My own parents and sister are always asking me to watch their dogs or pick them up and drop them off from things as well. They put so much pressure on family events, often expecting me and my siblings to shell out money for family holidays and being annoyed if we can't facilitate.

I have no DC yet or pets, so naturally I don't require the same level of help, which is why I wonder if I am being unreasonable or selfish. But we do consider moving away just for peace 🤦‍♀️ I find them all suffocating but also feel guilty about leaving because I know they won't take it well.

No

It’s only for a week or do though isn’t it? For me family members feeling free to ask for help is a positive thing, so long as they appreciate that no is a legitimate answer! I guess you feel it’s a bit one sided as you don’t need or ask for help. One day you might need it ( especially if you have a family).

Agree with this. 30-40 mins away is great. It’s close enough to pop over to help/be helped if it’s really needed, but not so close that you can run day to day errands.

Personally the deciding factor should really be where do you want to live? If you want kids where do you want to raise them? Forget about the parents, do what you want with your life, then either move or start putting stronger boundaries in place. They are in 60’s now - in 15 years time they’ll start hitting the age where they will actually need help, then if you are 3 hours away it will be a total pita (seeing what my parents went through with both sets of their aging parents, helping an 80 year old with early dementia to medical appointments is very hard work if you’re 3 hours away!)

I second moving away, about 45 minutes to an hour. They will sulk, make snide comments but they will have to get over it. Be prepared for the comments blaming one of you (for instance MIL blaming you for ‘stealing’ her little boy away) and make sure you back each other up instantly so they realise they can’t make comments like that. Don’t rise to petty comments, just ignore and grey rock.

And enjoy you new life in an area you like, in the next stage of life (whether or not it involves kids or not.) I’m lucky enough to have fantastic parents (75+) who ask for help but are always grateful and always reciprocate in ways they can so we never mind (cook our favourite meals when we go over/take such an interest in our children/really make an effort.) Because I have such kind parents I’m always gobsmacked at these posts where parents treat their kids like unpaid minions and lay on the guilt heavily. It’s your life. Of course you’d help out when needed but they don’t need you- you are just the easy option (and free.)

Oh yes the adrenaline jolt when you see their name. I’d echo others , you will get used to saying no, it will get easier you will feel less bad about it . It’s just a habit you need to get into saying no. You’ll find they’ll sort something out, that type always do.

"you'll need to take your brother to his basketball training because he doesn't drive"

Tell him to walk, cycle or take the f*ing bus!

My dad is almost 72 and the only thing he ever asks of us is for my husband to give his car a quick check before it goes in for an MOT once a year. That's only because my husband is an ex army mechanic.
He also asks me to print out his breakdown cover documents once a year.
Can't think of anything else my dad ever asks us to do for him.

No is a complete sentence. Set some time aside where you will go round there and help them with their nonsense every Tuesday between 6-7pm.

the DH basketball drama. He’s 18 so either misses it or arranges lifts himself with friends. Dog is not your responsibility. They can pay pet sitters.

tell them if this continues you are considering emigrating.

My parents live 5 minutes away and I have their two (hyper) dogs if they're away, but only because my sister who lives with them works mostly nights, if she's off, we take it in turns. They wouldn't expect me to drop everything for them though

Yeah I would probably move away too.

I've had 6 missed calls from them tonight after me taking them to a birthday party 25mins away which I agreed to take them to but said they'd need to get a taxi back as it was 11pm finish.

My DH has had 3 missed calls.

On the way there they said they'd rather walk than pay for a taxi, that they'd get one but how late could I possibly pick them up if they didn't, that if they need to get a taxi then I should 'just say' which I did at the start of the conversation. All this while they know I have a sinus infection and am on antibiotics.

Yet here I am, the one feeling guilty. The hold parents have is mad.

Don’t you or DH DARE to go and get them!!

I forbid you!! 😂

You're right, OP, this is ridiculous. You're not the family taxi service and neither is your DH. Why on earth can't his brother look after the dog while they're away, my DS (just 16) could easily do that!

Ignore tonight's calls, if they say anything, you went to bed early due to the sinus infection and DH decided to have an early night too.

@cartagenagina the last text was don't bother coming we got a taxi. I'll not be going lol

Well done for not giving in to the FOG

I hate to say it, but these people sound like arseholes. Moving really might be the best option. It doesn’t sound like they see you as a separate person - or even a person at all. Have you thought about Australia or New Zealand?

18 year needs to grow up. He is able to feed and take the dog out and agree lift to basketball

Wow their sense of entitlement to your time is ridiculous. Their behaviour actually gives me second-hand embarrassment, especially the missed calls when you've already said no!

They clearly think you owe them something or have nothing better to do than ferry them about

Go! If i were you they wouldnt see me for dust

This is missing the main point massively (I agree with lots of PP - if you want to move, go for it, but if you love your house or the area that you’re in, try setting some boundaries first. They will hate it but if they realise you aren’t at their beck and call they will hopefully ask less, after a lot of sulking and guilt tripping!) but does the 18 year old not have any friends who drive or whose parents would give him a lift? My husband plays footy every week and they all drive but they regularly give each other lifts to reduce carbon footprint etc? Or as you say, taxi money would make more sense than expecting you to drive and wait for the duration of games/training.

Is this the in laws or did your parents pull this out of the bag? Your self restraint is admirable I have to say.

Have you both acquiesced to the dog sitting and lift giving? Or suggested that it's time for the 18 yr old to grow up?