To move away from family because they use us?

[Dreamingofmoving]

DH and I live in our home town, about 5min from both sets of parents.

They are 50s/60s and constantly calling us and asking for help and then get annoyed if we can't help them.

Some examples this week, DHs parents want to go on holiday and have said 'you'll need to take your brother to his basketball training because he doesn't drive and take the dog too'

DHs bro is 18 and learning to drive but can't yet. He also isn't trusted to watch the dog. So they expect DH to take their old dog who can't see or hear, is nervous and has no bladder control, for a week and drive his bro to basketball 3 evenings that week, wait there until the session finishes and drive him home. All while working full time and commuting to the office 3 times a week.

DH has injured his shoulder badly. He was off work. They know this, but call and ask him to help move their couch. There's 3 of them in the house, so no idea why he has to help. He said he couldn't because of his shoulder and they were annoyed.

My own parents and sister are always asking me to watch their dogs or pick them up and drop them off from things as well. They put so much pressure on family events, often expecting me and my siblings to shell out money for family holidays and being annoyed if we can't facilitate.

I have no DC yet or pets, so naturally I don't require the same level of help, which is why I wonder if I am being unreasonable or selfish. But we do consider moving away just for peace 🤦‍♀️ I find them all suffocating but also feel guilty about leaving because I know they won't take it well.

I wouldn't blame you for moving at all. It's one thing helping out with sick or elderly parents but they are none of these things. They sound entitled and not that caring towards the two of you, either.

Why isn't the brother using a bike or a bus? He's an adult - he doesn't need babying. Him being too useless to take care of the dog is a him and them problem, not yours.

If you really don't want to move, maybe you could adopt the sentence 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me/us' and repeat it until they get the message? I would only converse by text, unless making the call.

Sometimes you have to put yourselves first.

Yep. Get yourself somewhere away from them so you're not putting up with that nonsense for much longer. As someone else said, don't tell them until it's a done deal, otherwise you'll have to deal with drama and guilt trips.

I wouldn't move. If you plan to have children they could be a godsend to you and when they are old and really need your help you'll end up driving back and fore to them. However I really would start laying out the boundaries now and saying no to their unreasonable demands

It doesn't sound like they'll be lining up for childcare duty.

'The few times we have needed help they havent't

@Member869894 if I had kids, I think I'd be running about after even more people. Our parents would still demand a lot. So it might be better living away with any future kids.

40 minutes/an hour away is enough. It's an easy trip to visit for a few hours or a day but far easier to say "no" to helping.

Will be interesting to see if they would come and visit or whether it would be "too far".

sounds like moving away will just mean they want you to drive for an hour then help.

how about putting a mode on your phone to screen their calls then just repeat how you are very busy at work all the time.

train them like dogs ! We can help you with one thing this week- what do you want it to be ?

the dog and DH brother thing is mad!

my parents are a bit like this and even when they did help with childcare it was always more hassle than it was worth. So maybe moving away is the only answer.

I voted YABU but not because I think you are unreasonable for feeling this way, but because I don’t think you should be forced to move because of this situation. Just say no to any requests you feel are unreasonable, put up some boundaries. Eventually they’ll get the message and stop asking you.

What a fuss. If it is difficult for you or you don't want to help out your family you can just say 'no'.

Or you can move away and when it becomes your turn to need your family or need help from time to time remember that it was your choice.

I'm just going to throw this out there...

The fact that it's both sides of the family and it's all of them, not just a few members of the family, that you have an issue with makes we wonder if the problem might be you.

Sorry.

Agree it's you.

Stop answering your phone for a start. When they save over text/whatsapp 'can you do this?' - you say not available

Don't argue, don't explain - just say 'we're not available'

If you're a bit of a woose it's fine to say you've taken up x y z together and you're not available

If you don't want to move house then you need to set better boundaries with them.

It'll be hard at first if they get huffy at a no, but they'll get used to it.

Our family locally all ask each other favours all the time, but the key is that if someone says no because they can't, or don't want to, nobody huffs or puffs.

It's very extreme to be pushed into moving before trying to install very firm boundaries.

You’re not unreasonable to be pissed off and tell them no. They sound incredibly needy and like they take you for granted. But I’d only move away if I truly wanted to. Otherwise I’d just be very much unavailable to help out with a lot of stuff. Can the adult brother not make his own way to basketball practice? Really? (Assuming no additional needs). Have they not got anyone else to ask to move a sofa other than the dude with the buggered shoulder? Fuck that. And I would definitely not be looking after anyone’s incontinent dog in my own home. Fuck that.

If he is leaving at 6am to commute to work that is why he is tired. How far is he / you commuting to work? Is it a commuting into London/ city situation or could you live near work? Where can you see yourself living to raise children? Much easier to move before you have children. Childcare is easier if you live near work. I would sit down with dh and have a discussion of five year / ten year plans in terms of housing/ work opportunities etc.

I would make the decisions independently of your respective parents. If living where you do now is the best place then you need to redraw boundaries. If moving is the best option be aware that they might move too so you might still need to be firm with boundaries.

@ManhattanPopcorn what do you mean though? I don't ask them for anything. I just exist minding my own business most of the time. I just think they know we have the least busy life so they ask and expect a lot.

They've made comments about us 'swanning off' on holiday and how we are 'good to ourselves'. So I genuinely just think they think we've got a right easy time of it so why can't we just help them with everything.

A lot cheaper to learn boundaries than move away.

Honestly, I think you need to have a serious talk about boundaries, respect and expectations.
There would probably be less of a problem if they ASKED you to take the dog. There would be less of a problem if they asked about the shoulder, but they don’t. They see you as teenagers that live with the rules of kids living in their home. You don’t and need to stop “obeying”. Start having a list of reasons for not being always available.

It depends. If you are moving because you wanted to move anyway, moving further away will bring you peace then do it!

If you love your current home, are only moving because of the demands then I think YABU. Only because first step would be to literally have a sit down chat with them. DH is an adult, has his own life and cannot keep being asked to do this that and the other.

Just expecting you to take on the dog for a week and drive his brother around, like no, your DH has his own life now, doesn’t live at home etc.

They've made comments about us 'swanning off' on holiday and how we are 'good to ourselves'.
Both you need to speak up, this gets replied to with 'yes we work hard and spend on what we want'
Both of you need to agree to say no.
An 18 yr old does not need ferried about, he can cycle, get a bus/taxi.
Limit what time you do choose to spend with them.

They really are taking the piss! I've been through this myself.Keep saying NO.dont explain or complain! Dont make excuses! Just NO
See how things go re moving. Perhaps after all your refusals invite them around say once a month for a meal for 2 hrs only.nest of luck

Ffs I assumed early 20s, not long left gone (edit:home!) but late 20s they should have processed and let go by now!

I'm really sorry they all have such boundary issues, it must be so hard!

They would be very upset if we moved.

Christ, move away and free yourselves! Madness to live so close and put up with nervy fits at any minor distance. Move to somewhere you actually like and do that house up the way you want it. They'll still be in your lives but at a healthier distance. If they're like this at 50s/60s, it'll only get a lot worse.

Sit down convo with both sets of parents, separately.

“Me and DH love you but we are burnt out with our own life and can’t keep up with the demands. We are adults, can’t just be expected to look after dogs. Not even asked, just being told. We of course do not mind helping out every so often, that’s what family is for but it’s suffocating. We also feel if we say no because we already have commitments we get the silent treatment/ moaned at. Going forward we will be saying no more. Hope you understand. We’re not your little kids living at home anymore, we have our own lives and jobs etc.

It depends whether you’ll honestly end up missing them!! I live away from my family and it’s hard, I’d love to have both sets near to us (and I do a lot for dh’s family but they’re very easygoing and do have health issues so I don’t mind!!)

I would move away in a heartbeat.
Its my biggest regret that I didn’t move away years ago.
If your families are like this now when they are (relatively) young and able-bodied, those demands are going to increase massively when your families actually are old.
If you do have children, your future will be like many others - running around after your children, and being expected to do everything for the older ones too. Go now, when you can and they can’t guilt you about seeing any possible grandchildren.