Another dad lost it at my kids

[Gymmum82]

So my kids and the neighbours kids all play out together regularly. Usually about 10 of them. We live in a small village, they are polite, well behaved, respectful kids. They only play on each others drives. Or in houses. Sometimes they will ride their bikes or scooters up and down the street. It’s a very quiet cul de sac.

They knock on each others houses to ask if they want to play out. Yes sometimes it can be a bit annoying if you’ve just sat down and there’s 5 kids banging on the door. But if you say not today. Or kids will be out later. They will go away and they won’t keep knocking.

Last weekend they are all playing out. About 5 or 6 of them. They go and knock on at another friends house who also plays out and the dad comes to the door and absolutely loses his shit. Shouting and screaming at them. All the kids come back in tears. Another parent went round to find out WTF happened and the dad said exactly what the kids said. They knocked on and he yelled at them. No apology nothing. Perfectly justified in his reaction.

I am absolutely livid, I’ve told my kids they are never to knock on again and his kid is not welcome in my home again. But I’m still seething. I will see him regularly and I want to call him out on his behaviour and tell him never to raise his voice to my children again. But AIBU?

I'm going to guess he's been getting increasingly fed up with it over a long time, somehow he's on edge anyway, and this was it for him.

I'd love to know the exact words were that were yelled and are terrible enough to make FIVE children burst into tears.

Read Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski. If this dad lost his shit at your kids for no reason, imagine how he treats his own behind closed doors. Don’t punish the kids, it isn’t their fault.

But we don't know it was for no reason.

Surely if this was usual behaviour from the dad then all the kids would know not to knock on the door.

This is (almost) exactly what I came here to say. This kid likely has an abusive father - you've also said you don't see much of the mum?! Couldn't imagine why..!

I'd be making sure he knows you're a safe adult should he or his mother need one.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5092277-neighbor-boy-bully

had a somewhat similar thread a while ago. I was the one who lost it at the neighbors kid. Granted, the situation was very different, I knew the mum well and had tried to raise the issue with her several times before finally loosing it with the kid. I did also immediately admit to my wrongdoing and apologized profoundly to the mum.

she refused to accept my apology, and to this day, three months after the incident, ignores me on the stairs. I continue to be civil with her and greet her.

she also said her kids weren’t allowed to play with mine anymore, and I asked her to leave my youngest one out of it, as he had no involvement in the conflict. Just a few day after the incident, the boy came knocking on our door and asked if my son could play, so obvs the mum’s plan didn’t work out. Also seems the boy wasn’t quite as traumatized by my telling him off as the mum would have me believe, given he didn’t hesitate to knock on our door. He continues to play w DS, and leaves DD alone. No more bullying.

all I’m saying is - there are always two sides to a story, and I’m see this mum
could have written a post about her bonkers neighbor loosing it with her kid.

when kids roam free, things can happen that you as a parent don’t know and that your kids may not tell you, especially if it casts them in a less fortunate light.

I agree it’s weird the dad didn’t apologize or explain himself, but not everyone is able to process emotions and express themselves well and sounds like this is very much the case here. Never assume your own kids are innocent! A reaction like his may have be caused by lots of little frustrations caused by yours and other kids, and of course the way he handled it was FAR from ideal, but I think you’d benefit from trying to see it from his side a bit more and not blindly taking your own kids side.

for example, in my case, this neighbors kids were constantly at ours while my kids were very rarely are hers. They wee always getting my DC’s to sneak food for them, playing with lots of toys and never helping to clean up, the older boy manipulated DS to trade Pokémon cards in very unfavorable ways for him,etc etc., the list goes on. Those are all minor infractions but overall they added to me finally loosing it with the boy.

Adults shouldn’t shout at kids. But likewise, if you let your kids out unsupervised and you really aren’t sure what they get up to, then things like that can happen. You can’t have it both ways - let your kids roam free and then go all over protective when some of their behavior results in an unpleasant consequence.

I think it's bizarre and out of line to be so annoyed kids knocked on your door to ask your child to play that you'd scream at them. WTF. How terrifying for the children.

His kid is not welcome in my home again

Please please don't do this, I was this child who lost all my friends to play out with at age 8 because of my parents shitty behaviour. It ruined my already shitty childhood.

..in my case, this neighbors kids were constantly at ours while my kids were very rarely are hers. They wee always getting my DC’s to sneak food for them, playing with lots of toys and never helping to clean up, the older boy manipulated DS to trade Pokémon cards in very unfavorable ways for him,etc etc., the list goes on. Those are all minor infractions but overall they added to me finally loosing it with the boy.

Maybe this kid is in a similar situation where he is the butt of all the jokes and banter, maybe he is being manipulated into doing things he doesn't want to, and the dad had had enough and was standing up for him?

Come on OP, what exactly did the dad 'scream' at the door?

I don’t know what he screamed. Since I wasn’t there and as I’ve said previously I initially suspected the kids had done something wrong since no sane person loses their shit to that degree at a bunch of little kids.
But as another parent went round and spoke to him and as he corroborated the children’s story that in fact they did not do anything wrong, aside from maybe bang on the door too hard, however he offered no apology, no remorse, no excuse for his behaviour. Only they banged on my door like they have been doing for the past year but today I didn’t like it so I yelled at them.

I could speak to the man myself, or I could post something passive aggressive in the WhatsApp group. However I’ve decided to leave it and simply ignore him from here on

he offered no apology, no remorse, no excuse for his behaviour. Only they banged on my door like they have been doing for the past year but today I didn’t like it so I yelled at them.

So he did offer an explanation. They've been banging really hard on his door for a year now and he's reached the end of his patience.

Surely the apology should come from you and the other parents of the misbehaving children?

"aside from maybe bang on the door too hard,"

You say that like it's not a big deal. Minimizing what the kids did doesn't help the credibility of the story. It's not an "aside," it's the thing that legitimately set him off.

Believe me, if five children were beating at my door, they would be given a good piece of my mind, as well.

There is no reason they need to interrupt other households to summon their friends. If it's a cul-de-sac it's pretty obvious to anyone who looks out the window (and probably to anyone with ears) that the children are playing out and available.

Am wondering if that parent is abhorant behind closed doors. Please keep an eye out for that child

They weren’t misbehaving. They were doing what they have always done and have never been told not to do. How are they meant to know that suddenly today it’s not ok? He has never expressed any issue before. Never. None of the rest us have an issue with them banging on the door

Of course you can go out and say to them please don’t bang on my door. If they continue to do it then you can give them a piece of your mind. If they continue then absolutely you’re justified in losing it with them and shouting. But if you’ve never once told them to stop doing something you don’t go from 1-1000 because you’re in a bad mood

Their parents should have taught them long before now that one doesn't bang on other people's doors.

If these children nearing 10 years of age really don't realize that multiple kids banging is obnoxious and intrusive, something is very wrong. They are going to have it tough in the real world.

Perhaps he has no objections to the children playing out but is at hit wits end with the door banging.

His response and your initial response are the issues here. At the end of the day he was grumpy, he reacted and shouted a little bit at a bunch of kids who knocked on his door. Do we know if he was in the middle of a call about his mum passing away? Do we know if he had just been made redundant? Do we know if he was ill? No we dont and maybe he was just in a grumpy mood. He shouted at some kids and chances are he has marked his card as the grumpy guy with all those kids for the foreseeable future. He is probably embarrassed and having to explain to his DW and child wont be fun either. Are the kids stringing it out or are you and the other parents?

You also over reacted and initially wanted to punish his child. Can you not see the similarities? You jumped off the handle and once you had 5 mins to calm down you reversed it with the help of MN. He didnt have this chance. Is life about never forgiving mistakes and making everyone a scapegoat or learning from them?

I actually had a similar incident recently with local 'kids'. They have always played football in their small gardens and once in a while the ball comes into my garden. I have zero issues with giving them the ball back, i used to play and coach myself. But this was different. They were literally seeing who could kick the ball at my house the hardest. It hit my window and bounced back. TWICE. I gave them both barrells, similar to your neighbour and told them i wouldnt be giving them either ball back until their father turned up at my door. The dad did turn up, about 2 hours later when he waited for me and my partner to take the dogs out and my daughter was at home alone. Easier asking for his ball back from a young lady than my partner who spends 7 hours in the gym every week lifting and boxing.

Ive moved on but those kids are now much more considerate with the ball for me and the rest of the neighbours. Everyones a winner.

They weren’t misbehaving. They were doing what they have always done and have never been told not to do. How are they meant to know that suddenly today it’s not ok? He has never expressed any issue before. Never. None of the rest us have an issue with them banging on the door

Because people are scared to say anything because they know parents think their little darlings can do no wrong, and get defensive. So they stew and stew and one day they have a bad day and get grumpy. I'm not sure how you can't see this?

To add a little perspective here - my own “DC”a and I use the D veery much in quotation marks here, recently we’re out playing in the evening when suddenly two strangers turn up at the door. They explain they’re the neighbors, I did notice they recently moved in but hadn’t had a chance to get acquainted yet. They do occasionally play music in the garden during summer or a little loud music can be heard from the house but nothing which ever bothered me. It did, however, bother DD as her bedroom faces their garden and of course she’s out to bed earlier than we go to bed (she’s 9, so she’s usually in bed around 8.30-9). She complained she couldn’t sleep due to the music a few times but I brushed it off. It really wasn’t that loud or that late, and I want people to be able to live too!

but apparently, DD and her similar age cousin had taken it upon themselves to write very rude notes to the neighbors, saying “you’re devils and your music is too loud” and with some crosses etc. The neighbors presented them to me and the husband sort of shoved his phone at my face with a pic of DD by their door. I was naturally mortified, but because of his aggressive attitude at the shoving the phone at my face and taking a pic of DD which I felt was a bit OTT, I in Italy became slightly defensive and apologized but also said they do play more music and louder than the previous neighbors had (or for that matter anyone around although didn’t say that). But I quickly thought better if it and hair apologized to them and said really the music was no problem. I then told the kids they promptly had to write a note of apology and go to deliver it to the neighbors and also apologize in o person. They grumbled but did it. DH was mortified and then afterwards went over and apologized himself to them. Peace was restored and I had a good talk with the kids about their behavior. I know in this case there was clear evidence of the kids behavior (DD did say the note was not for the parents but the teenage sons, and I do think that’s true and the main thing was preteen girls wanting to attract the attention of teenage boys, but regardless, of course it’s unacceptable), but it’s all just to say I would’ve NEVER imagined my kids being capable of that sort of behavior! And yet they were. Kids I’m groups can be wild!

I agree. I had a friend at school who's Dad was a horrible man. She however was lovely. We just kept away from her house but she was always welcome at ours. It would have been a miserable childhood for her if other parents didn't let their kids play with her because of her Dad.

Other dad is horrible, but why in the world would you penalize his CHILD?

Yep

Of course your kids are all perfect….