To think my colleague is being creepy?

[notaurewhatusername]

I'm having trouble with a colleague. They keep doing things that feel too personal:

1. Always watching my calendar and asking about my meetings
2. Noticing where other managers are and how long they're away (for example commenting why one of the directors had been on their phone nearly an hour in the car park and was everything ok)
3. Asking where my car is when it's not in the car park and noticing what time of day I arrive frequently
4. Asking other staff why I went to the doctor because someone had mentioned I was in the office due to gp appointment

This behaviour makes me uncomfortable. It seems like they're not respecting personal space at work. They are someone I manage too, which I think makes it more out of line. I told someone I know outside of work and they said perhaps I'm being sensitive which is why I would like others opinions as I know how to deal with it but just want to make sure I'm not making something bigger than what it is.

Am I being unreasonable thinking this is creepy or do I need to relax?

Not sure creepy is the right word, sounds like they are watching you to report you/get in trouble maybe?

@FuppinNora I don't think it's that as there's no one to get me in trouble to - I'm more senior than they are and I don't do maturing remotely wrong so can't imagine it's that

I think it does sound creepy - they're creeping on your life!

Are you able to restrict your calendar to just show availability rather than full meeting details?

Noticing arrival time / cars parked in different places / if someone taking a long phone call suggests to me their mind isn't occupied - do they have a full workload?

Asking others about your private medical appointments is definitely not on, that's quite invasive - especially as they didn't ask you, but tried to get the information from others.

Are you able to restrict your calendar to just show availability rather than full meeting details?

Yes - change it to 'free/busy' only. You could also block out focus time (or get Outlook to do it automatically if you have that add in) so the 'busy' time isn't necessarily a meeting.

Maybe you could give them a responsibility that occupies them when they would otherwise be trying to build a connection to you in a 'creepy' way? Something like can they build a calendar with all the staffs birthdays in or can they take responsibility for the stationary cupboard etc?

are they perhaps neurodiverse or something?

If you’re their manager then you can absolutely call them out on this. Mention that others in the office have noticed it too, and that they need to focus more on their own work and not what everyone else is doing.

Sounds like they're a nosy busybody.

Ask them why they feel it's their business to ask personal questions.

Can you lock them entirely from your calendar? Also, when they ask about your meetings, I would tell them it's not their concern. It sounds as though you need to get control back from this busy body.

@Ace56 I agree with you. I confided in someone else I work with that's same level as me for advice and they suggested it isn't a big deal and I'm overthinking it which is what got me thinking maybe I'm being too sensitive but I think it's unprofessional

If they are your direct report, tell them that this behaviour is not acceptable and ask them to stop. If they are not, report them to you manager (or their manager) and escalate to HR if that's required.

If they are doing this with everyone, it's possible they are ND.

@Troopinthecolour we are both female and not lesbian to my knowledge!

Maybe she just asks a lot of questions.
Maybe you're not the same so don't understand her!

Are you able to restrict your calendar to just show availability rather than full meeting details?

Definitely do this.

It's none of their business why you or any other colleague went to the GP. (I know my line manager was at the dentist this morning, but it was because I had asked or spied on him.)

It's none of their business why you have particular meetings or anything. If you have information to share, you will do; if you need to ask others for input, you will do.

It's none of their business why a director might be on the phone for so long. It might be work stuff, it might be a problem with their house, or child, or arranging a day out - who knows? Who cares? If it's something others need to know, then no doubt it will come out in time.

They're almost being stalkerish.

Regardless, she shouldn't be asking other people about OP's private medical information

I think this person is neurodiverse

They sound nosy. I’ve worked with people like this including a woman who practically lunged at my PC once when I’d logged into my bank account 😂I’d lock them out of your diary so they can only see when you’re busy or free. Any time they made a comment about my arrival time etc, I’d reply ‘what’s it got to do with you, nose almighty?’ Or similar with a little laugh to try and keep it light. Hopefully you drawing attention to the fact you think they’re nosy will make them bite their tongue in future.

Benefit of the doubt:

Interested in learning how management do things, wanting to progress.
Concerned for wellbeing of somebody having a presumably private conversation, possibly upset and thinking that they might need some support or sympathy, whether from her or from another manager.
Being observant, making conversation, wanting to know what behaviours/hours are expected of management with a view to progression.
Concerned for your wellbeing, thinking they might be able to help/be more supportive of you.

No benefit of the doubt:

Office policeman or just being nosey.

Asking about your medical appts is WAY over the line and I don't understand why you haven't pulled them up on it

I had a colleague like this and I'm pretty sure she was neuro divergent. She always noticed if something was different from normal, I think because of a fixation on routine and habit. She would question everything on that basis.

It might be that she wants to know how things work, and hold concern for others, but there are different ways of expressing it. If she is as the OP describes, she's just nosy. Either way, she needs a word, either just to stop, or to learn there are different ways of doing things, finding put about the business.

@Nanny0gg I found this out only yesterday. I also am not sure how to approach given the person that told me obviously doesn't want to be named in it so it's a bit tricky

@EBearhug I don't think it's concern, the person thrives on gossip I can tell. Only because we aren't a typical gossipy workplace so they're not encouraged for it to get out of control and their gossiping is rarely entertained