To think my colleague is being creepy?

[notaurewhatusername]

I'm having trouble with a colleague. They keep doing things that feel too personal:

1. Always watching my calendar and asking about my meetings
2. Noticing where other managers are and how long they're away (for example commenting why one of the directors had been on their phone nearly an hour in the car park and was everything ok)
3. Asking where my car is when it's not in the car park and noticing what time of day I arrive frequently
4. Asking other staff why I went to the doctor because someone had mentioned I was in the office due to gp appointment

This behaviour makes me uncomfortable. It seems like they're not respecting personal space at work. They are someone I manage too, which I think makes it more out of line. I told someone I know outside of work and they said perhaps I'm being sensitive which is why I would like others opinions as I know how to deal with it but just want to make sure I'm not making something bigger than what it is.

Am I being unreasonable thinking this is creepy or do I need to relax?

lol, the workload thing has ramped up more recently in light of all this! It sounds like I'm on the right lines then and I think I'll do a bit more digging about this go issue as I was only told about this yesterday

Maybe that colleague shouldn't have been gossiping either. Why did she even tell you apart from to stir.

@AgnesX it was a he, and I don't think they were stirring I think just also picking up on how this person concerns themselves with things that are nothing to do with them

Change access to your calendar so she cannot see it. Also would point out that where I or my car are at any given time us nothing to do with her work.

It's not creepy - just nosy.

I'd just start saying 'it's not really anything to do with you' or 'don't worry about it, no concern if yours' or 'why'

Ask to speak with her and ask if everything is okay as she’s not meeting targets and is far too interested in everyone else’s business.

It is weird, we have a guy at work a bit like this, but the main difference being, he does it with everyone, not just one person. So we’ve never really thought of it as being creepy, and it’s never made anyone uncomfortable, we just think he’s a bit odd and pay no attention. But I can imagine for you, when the person does it solely to you, that that feels a little weird.

The guy at our work does very similar things, such as

• we all get one afternoon a week to wfh and we all have a set day when to take it (ie mine is Tuesday) but sometimes people switch their days for whatever reason, and he ALWAYS notices. Hell slither over to someone and say “I see Jack has taken us wfh aff today, he normally has it Wednesdays, I wonder why.” But NO ONE else would’ve noticed this.
• one day my car wouldn’t start and my boyfriend had to drop me off in work, and by first break he commented that he noticed my car wasn’t in the car park and he asked me how I got in that day.
• a colleague had a morning drs apt and no one else really noticed she wasn’t there, (we all work in different rooms with different lunch times so you can often go a day or two without seeing certain people) but he was going around asking everyone where she was.

I am guessing if a female member of staff did all this it would be funny or cute and fine and no need for a mn post is he saying things in contaxt of trying to make conversation is it this person's first job is it a nerves thing or are they maybe just trying to get a handle on how it all works cause they maybe ambitious and want to know more if colleagues have noticed and don't see it as an issue I would open your eyes and mind a bit more and try to see it differently then o he male so defo creepy no other reasons

these types of people are gold for intelligence services or when govt people want to know x,y,z or senior management etc obviously depending on the situation

Aah, the office pest who can’t keep their nose out

Is this a hyper - anxious type of person? I’m getting that impression. It’s still not OK, especially the doctor thing. You, their line manager or HR may want to have a word.

@Hereforaglance she's female and so am I!

It has nothing to do with the gender I'd find it frustrating and creepy either way

Why would neurodiverse be your first thought?

People can be creepy, being neurodiverse isn't a requirement of this.

OP what is there position in relation to you? Your superior? Below you and hoping to get higher? Trying to get you into trouble?

@Findinganewme outwardly they come off as very strong confident etc but I can tell through their actions there are deep insecurities underneath for sure. They are secretly quite a nervous wreck but also have a bite if that makes sense and get angry easily and are outspoken

@YellowphantGrey with the setup and dynamics definitely not trying to get me in trouble but yes I am their superior.

I honestly have no idea what their agenda is is, I get the impression they're the type of person that would thrive in a bitchy gossip type office but we are quote the opposite so they don't get to have their behaviour enabled too much but most of the team anyway.

@YellowphantGrey they're also definately not competing for my role either which makes it even more perplexing.

I wish I could say more about the setup but it is a bit outing.

Part of me thinks it may be a weird obsessions/jealousy. I hate to say that and am not one of those people that say someone is jealousy of me, in fact very rarely do I come to this conclusion - but with this one I'm struggling to find any other reason. And once again, if I could say more about the dynamics I think others would possibly agree with me

This does sound tricky.

Have toy felt able to tell them neutrally and directly that it makes you uncomfortable?

I used to comment (in a nice and not-lecherous way!) when a colleague had a new haircut or was wearing a nice jumper, until one day he said, ‘I know you’re being nice, but I find it uncomfortable when you notice these things. It’s like I’m being watched.’ And I apologised and we laughed and there was no more talk of haircuts or jumpers, and he ended up becoming a longstanding friend of my family.

But a lot depends on whether someone is able to receive that sort of communication without becoming brittle and defensive.

I appreciate you not wanting to say anything. From what you've said I'd be wary that they were looking for something to trip you up with or to make them look better

Do they do it to anyone else? I once employed someone like this but they also insisted on telling me that thought I was doing things wrong. They used to check the watch everytime I left the building and made comments about various work things and even talking to "customers" saying they were calling on my behalf to have a go at them about something.

I owned the business so I really don't know what they thought was going to happen!

Have you ever asked them?

Yes, but you need to address this head on.

Call them in and say ‘I understand you were enquiring about my GP appointment. Just to be clear: my medical appointments - my business. Everyone else’s personal appointments - their business. Other people’s comings and goings are not for you to comment on. Are we clear that your focus is to be on your own performance and actions, and not on a commentary about others?’

Could you just say, “That’s not your concern” or “It doesn’t concern us.” Before ramping up to, “You seem quite preoccupied with noting everyone’s activities. Could you not concern yourself with people’s comings and goings: that’s for their managers.”

@SleepPrettyDarling it then makes the colleague look like a sneaky tell tale, I honestly am not sure it's the right thing to do

I also don't have so much of an issue with (healthy) observing of some of threads behaviour as they dual manage some of them. It's the observation of mine I have an issue with, as their superior

but as your an employee either way then why does it matter weather your an superior ?

that i can understand

If you don’t think there’s an agenda or conspiracy involved, just ignore it. It’s weird behaviour but doing no harm.