To think my colleague is being creepy?

[notaurewhatusername]

I'm having trouble with a colleague. They keep doing things that feel too personal:

1. Always watching my calendar and asking about my meetings
2. Noticing where other managers are and how long they're away (for example commenting why one of the directors had been on their phone nearly an hour in the car park and was everything ok)
3. Asking where my car is when it's not in the car park and noticing what time of day I arrive frequently
4. Asking other staff why I went to the doctor because someone had mentioned I was in the office due to gp appointment

This behaviour makes me uncomfortable. It seems like they're not respecting personal space at work. They are someone I manage too, which I think makes it more out of line. I told someone I know outside of work and they said perhaps I'm being sensitive which is why I would like others opinions as I know how to deal with it but just want to make sure I'm not making something bigger than what it is.

Am I being unreasonable thinking this is creepy or do I need to relax?

I’ve worked with two people like this (both same as you - I managed them).

One was ND (very obviously) the other just nosy - though both focused on colleagues rather than me personally so it was easier to deal with to be honest.

However the approach I took was to say something immediately - every time. Far easier than letting it go and trying to tackle it later.

”why is x not in today” -
me: that’s X’s business”.

“why is y in the car park”
“Maybe stop looking out the window and crack on with (whatever they should have been doing”

“why were you at the drs”
“that’s private”

I know it sounds like treating someone like a child, but when they’re acting like one you just have to be matter of fact. Appreciate this is far harder when the object of interest is you though.

They sound like a busy body, I worked with one years ago and replied to all questions with "Why?" which eventually pissed then off enough to shut them up 😁.

@TheRealSlimShandy I've started calling it out in that way but they don't seem to get the message. It's really irritating me

I get it - it’s awful.

I think if you are calling it out on the spot and they still persist then you can raise it more formally with them.

Next time they do it, do you have a private space that you can immediately take them “for a quick word”.

Depending on the type of work environment etc I’d maybe focus on

• The disruption to the team when they loudly start asking questions
• the privacy of those they are asking questions about (you can even say “I see it comes from a place of care, however if someone wants to share they will).
• the fact that they are looking at the car park/your calendar rather than focusing on the task at hand.

The reason (whether nosiness, nastiness, boredom or neurodivergence) is somewhat irrelevant as the behaviour isn't ok.

I would start to limit the information they can see in your calendar. I would also have a word with them or if more appropriate ask their line manager too. If it continued it would be reasonable to get more heavy handed. It's not acceptable for someone to police another employees day in this way.

It took 6 posts.

As I have now read all of the replies on this thread and seen several posts asking if this person is ND, I am beginning to wonder if this is typical behaviour from someone who is ND.

However, asking about medical details was way OTT and she should be pulled up on this.

I wouldn’t call it creepy, it’s a gossip with not enough going on at work/home.

Nosey Parker. There’s always one.

@Haggia that is exactly this person all over

Just sounds super nosey to me, which isn't really any better!

I hate creepy colleagues though. One of mine is very touchy feely and constantly puts their arm around you, hugs you, etc. ick......

We used to have someone like this at work. She once told my boss that I was always late for work, so my boss asked me what my hours were (8.30 - 5) and I was always in the office by 8.20.

The boss had already had the measure of this busybody and said to me "I thought so. Why don't you take a shorter lunch break and leave at 4.30. You will miss the worst of the traffic that way"

Shortly after lockdown started. Busybody was furloughed and then made redundant.

Yes. The thing annoying me is this particular busy body is currently also not putting their targets.

They are also senior, it's a complicated one

I’m not sure I would go quite as far as ‘creepy’ but it’s completely nosy and inappropriate. Like many here I did genuinely wonder about ND but if that isn’t it, it’s even worse, and if it is she still needs some limits.

I wouldn't call it creepy but definitely a bit nosy. I don't think you need to discus with other colleagues, you just need to address it with them. Quite easy if they're commenting on somebody else in the car park, just say firmly "That is none of our business". If they are asking you directly again it's easier to challenge than if they are asking someone else about your medical details. Hopefully, you can encourage an atmosphere where your team care about each other in a supportive way without invading privacy. Maybe "Do you not have enough work to do?" would help them concentrate.

@Delphiniumandlupins when I mentioned discussing it with other colleagues, this was specifically about them asking why I'd been at the doctors - it was my colleague who told me this as I'd have been none the wiser.

The issue is - this colleague wants to be kept confidential as it could make things awkward for them, and there's no other way I'd know if they hadn't told me. Hope that makes sense?

Asking about someone’s medical appointments is completely unacceptable. I would make a complaint. The public speculation about your colleague’s phone call is also unacceptable, but as you’re not this person’s manager, stick to what affects you directly.

I made a complaint once because a colleague had said very publicly, twice, that he thought I was a hypochondriac because I was “always at the doctor’s”. I went once every two months to be assessed for my antidepressant prescription (and I had to fight to get that down from monthly) and had no intention of sharing that information with my team. He huffed and puffed a lot about how he’d only been joking, but tough luck - it’s not on to stick your nose into someone private business.

I have a new colleague who is a bit like this, always keeping tabs on everyone, asking why people are off sick and basically hyper aware of everything in the office. He's having trouble fitting in already, and this is not the way he is going to get everyone to warm to him. As we are mostly older than him, we are all quite good about shutting down comments which seems a bit nosy. It remains to be seen if we can train him up a bit to be a less interfering.

I think some of of this is common office dynamics and speculation, I also think it's common to have someone who is overly invested in and monitors coming and goings. I'd just be blunt and not indulge it. Also I wouldn't really want others to tell me about what she's up to like asking about my appointments . As long as the other colleague shut it down . It all sounds abit like over policing on all sides. Tackle her underperformance separately.

I think the other colleague should have firmly shut her down.

@StockpotSoup I am this persons manager and the car park comment I did call out at the time by saying I have no idea what the colleague was doing and that they were being very nosy asking.

Despite this clearly they still persist

I must have misread it somehow - I thought you said you didn’t manage them. In that case, I would be giving them a frank warning and making it clear that further incidents will lead to formal disciplinary action.

@StockpotSoup really! What do you think is the worst offence of the ones I listed?

The reason you saw your GP is confidential, as is everyone else's medical needs.

Haha.....tell them you want their tasks completed yesterday and for them to get on with it.

Unacceptable and some could react nastily. There comes a point where informal words are not enough. It may come to that.

Give them more work to do then they won't have time to watch what everyone else is doing.