Page 10 | DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

northernerinlondon · 2024-09-09T10:35:35+00:00

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed. When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly. I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult. From my perspective: - We both work from home, so someone’s always around. - Finances aren’t an issue. - We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable. - We have a big garden and a nearby park. I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

MilkToast · 09/09/2024 14:40

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:27

There’s a lot of conflating children with dogs in western culture. Calling them furbabies, buying them Christmas presents. It’s actually dehumanising real human babies.

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It’s actually dehumanising real human babies.

This logic is debatable. How someone treats their pet has no correlation to the treatment of human babies. You are saying that this somehow strips babies of their inherent human qualities, dignity, or value, treating them as less than fully human…based on what someone buys or calls their dog?

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 09/09/2024 14:42

@northernerinlondon - I have two young DC (6 + 8) and a Golden (20 months) + 4 other dogs (including three fosters!!). So very happy if you want to IM me about how I juggled it!

FluffyBook · 09/09/2024 14:43

They didn’t change though

They did. They had a child. That might have been harder work than anticipated and the dh has changed his mind. Understandable.

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:43

northernerinlondon · 09/09/2024 14:31

He’s not controlling in any other way—he’s completely relaxed in all other aspects of our lives and happy for me to lead on pretty much every other decision.

Thanks for all of the advice.

I brought up the conversation casually at lunch, and we had a calm, productive discussion. I guess this thread made me change my approach, or worked some other kind of MN voodoo.

Turns out, he’s mostly worried about how a dog will impact the morning routine. He currently wakes early with DD for some 1:1 time (given he works til almost her bedtime) and I think he imagined he'd have to begin factoring a dog walk into this window of time that is precious to him.

He’s also concerned about me taking on more responsibilities, which is fair. I'm often operating in manic mode and saying yes to everything without thinking.
Lastly, DD wants a Golden Retriever, which would require extra £££ lifestyle changes, like changing our car —another valid point.

I feel much more understanding now, and actually feel remorse over brow beating him, when he's clearly anxious about the changes it will bring.

Still disappointed that he communicated all of this so poorly so i'm going to book counselling

...and look into fostering!

so glad to hear this 😊👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

juliaxxl80 · 09/09/2024 14:45

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:36

and…
manipulating people is “not a good thing” 🙄

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and yet we do this all the time. Besides, as a clever man, he would know what is going on, he would allow to be manipulated, because he loves his wife

HateSpewingTurnip · 09/09/2024 14:48

northernerinlondon · 09/09/2024 14:31

He’s not controlling in any other way—he’s completely relaxed in all other aspects of our lives and happy for me to lead on pretty much every other decision.

Thanks for all of the advice.

I brought up the conversation casually at lunch, and we had a calm, productive discussion. I guess this thread made me change my approach, or worked some other kind of MN voodoo.

Turns out, he’s mostly worried about how a dog will impact the morning routine. He currently wakes early with DD for some 1:1 time (given he works til almost her bedtime) and I think he imagined he'd have to begin factoring a dog walk into this window of time that is precious to him.

He’s also concerned about me taking on more responsibilities, which is fair. I'm often operating in manic mode and saying yes to everything without thinking.
Lastly, DD wants a Golden Retriever, which would require extra £££ lifestyle changes, like changing our car —another valid point.

I feel much more understanding now, and actually feel remorse over brow beating him, when he's clearly anxious about the changes it will bring.

Still disappointed that he communicated all of this so poorly so i'm going to book counselling

...and look into fostering!

Op fostering might backfire it can take a very long time for them to find a home for the dog and there will still be the question of walking/routine, transport etc. Not to mention DD getting attached. (Unless this is part of your game plan in which case 👏😬)

Bit random but have you considered any other pets? I had pet rats for a while. There's a reason they are called pocket puppies. Wonderful little creatures, mine used to play fetch and one would just sit on my shoulder all day getting carried around 🥰

FluffyBook · 09/09/2024 14:49

Plenty of us have happy fulfilling lives without dogs

Indeed, mine would be less so if I was forced to house a dog I didn't want.

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:50

MilkToast · 09/09/2024 14:40

It’s actually dehumanising real human babies.

This logic is debatable. How someone treats their pet has no correlation to the treatment of human babies. You are saying that this somehow strips babies of their inherent human qualities, dignity, or value, treating them as less than fully human…based on what someone buys or calls their dog?

Show quote history

I think there’s been a cultural shift in how human babies are generally viewed, a shift towards valuing them less and often seeing them as an expensive inconvenience.

That shift is contemporaneous with the rise in people getting dogs as proxy-children, calling them furbabies etc.

I don’t believe it’s a co-incidence.

HateSpewingTurnip · 09/09/2024 14:51

This thread is getting weird now.

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:51

juliaxxl80 · 09/09/2024 14:45

and yet we do this all the time. Besides, as a clever man, he would know what is going on, he would allow to be manipulated, because he loves his wife

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“and yet we do this all the time.”

I do not.

Newsenmum · 09/09/2024 14:53

Edingril · 09/09/2024 11:37

No you don't just get one like a dog is a handbag

This.

You need to find out what his concerns are. Is he worried he’ll end up doing all the work?

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:54

TheCultureHusks · 09/09/2024 13:28

Sorry, I’m also on the side of nuclear.

polite nuclear though. The kind of nuclear which is really just saying - I’m onto you.

This isn’t about a dog. It’s about the fact that you seem to have married a manipulator, a future-faker. How unsurprising that it was ‘after you had DD’ that he then told you you couldn’t move from London because of his job…

The dog is just another example of the problem - he knows the kind of life he wants, and he sees no problem with literally lying to you to keep you on board then backtracking.

Don’t suggest counselling - tell him it’s non-negotiable if you want to stay together. And tell him, very bluntly, that this isn’t going to be how it works. If he’s going to be this ‘inflexible’ - he’ll end up divorced, simple as. Because long term it won’t work. Definitely no discussion at all on another child until the counselling has happened.

You could easily start with the dog example. So, he originally agreed, now the deadline is here the goalposts have shifted. So two things to say - firstly he now needs to tell you what his thought process is, because from where you are sitting, if he was being honest about agreeing to a dog and now the circumstances allow one, it looks very much as if he just lied and said what you wanted to hear at the time - is that the case? This needs to be gone though in counselling, whether or not he likes the idea.

Secondly - goalposts. It’s time to start telling him that he does not own the posts and he does not get to move them on his own. Again - unless he wants to BE alone.

You really need to read OP’s 14:31 post.

Original poster

northernerinlondon · 09/09/2024 14:55

@Marmiteontoastgirlie Funny you should say that, the catalyst for me starting this post was looking up local cocker spaniel pups, my go-to serotonin booster on a Monday morning😅

I mean...

OP posts:

Beth216 · 09/09/2024 14:55

Fostering might be tricky as you keep having to give the dog back. Instead what about seeing if you can find an older dog that has lived with children to adopt? That's what we did and i don't for one minute regret not having a puppy! No house training, no waking all through the night, no horrible bitey stage, no chewing the furniture, able to be left for a few hours......the list of benefits (if you can find a suitable dog) is endless!

juliaxxl80 · 09/09/2024 14:57

northernerinlondon · 09/09/2024 14:55

@Marmiteontoastgirlie Funny you should say that, the catalyst for me starting this post was looking up local cocker spaniel pups, my go-to serotonin booster on a Monday morning😅

I mean...

😂You certainly made us busy!!!! 😂

Newsenmum · 09/09/2024 14:59

Maybe he only liked dogs when he didn’t have a child? For a lot of people (not all, clearly) wanting an animal is a bit of a child substitute. Now I’ve got kids I really don’t want one! Might be different when they’re all grown up.

Mumoftwo57 · 09/09/2024 14:59

I have two kids and we decided to get a puppy. I opted for a beagle knowing about the breed I knew what hard work was needed. However, i underestimated a puppy quite drastically and I think the puppy is more hard work than a newborn baby would be. I love him to bits but it’s not easy at all. He’s just hit 5 months so hopefully on the home stretch now with the puppy behaviour 😂 x

DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

Newsenmum · 09/09/2024 15:00

Or does he actually want more kids?

juliaxxl80 · 09/09/2024 15:01

Mumoftwo57 · 09/09/2024 14:59

I have two kids and we decided to get a puppy. I opted for a beagle knowing about the breed I knew what hard work was needed. However, i underestimated a puppy quite drastically and I think the puppy is more hard work than a newborn baby would be. I love him to bits but it’s not easy at all. He’s just hit 5 months so hopefully on the home stretch now with the puppy behaviour 😂 x

Nice doggy!

Tessasanderson · 09/09/2024 15:01

If there is one guarantee with getting a puppy its that it will multiply any cracks that already exist in your relationship tenfold. The only other thing that comes close is a child.

If you cant agree on getting a puppy/dog then getting one is a recipe for disaster and not fair to your DH, your DD to yourself and the puppy.

Keep talking is my advice.

Newsenmum · 09/09/2024 15:01

Seiling · 09/09/2024 13:44

I used to like dogs and had one for a while. After I had a child, I couldn’t stand them 🤷‍♀️ people are allowed to change their minds, especially about a dog which is such a big responsibility/tie. And they pish everywhere!

This was me

rainbowstardrops · 09/09/2024 15:02

loropianalover · 09/09/2024 11:59

I don’t think the issue here is the dog.

The issue is that he ‘shuts down’ when you try to communicate with him. He has changed the goalposts on other things too, like moving out of the city. You say moving is now ‘off the table’. He won’t go to counselling, he won’t communicate with you. Sounds like you’ve stagnated already.

You’re very young to be wasting your life in this set up.

Couldn't have said it any better

MilkToast · 09/09/2024 15:03

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:50

I think there’s been a cultural shift in how human babies are generally viewed, a shift towards valuing them less and often seeing them as an expensive inconvenience.

That shift is contemporaneous with the rise in people getting dogs as proxy-children, calling them furbabies etc.

I don’t believe it’s a co-incidence.

Show quote history

In the past it was expected to have children, whether you wanted them or not. Personally I’d have children if I could, but I can’t so I have pets. I don’t push mine round in strollers though, partly because a Labrador in a stroller might get a few stares.

pinkdelight · 09/09/2024 15:06

rainbowstardrops · 09/09/2024 15:02

Couldn't have said it any better

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Except that it's a very different take in the OP's update so no life being wasted.

ASpritzOfMyFavouritePerfume · 09/09/2024 15:07

"My DD wants a Golden Retriever". She's 5. She doesn't get to dictate.

Reminds me of Vercucca Salt.