DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

[northernerinlondon]

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.

When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult.

From my perspective:

• We both work from home, so someone’s always around.
• Finances aren’t an issue.
• We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.
• We have a big garden and a nearby park.

I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

Not true. All dogs smell

I wonder if you have you gone from breed to breed smelling them?!

Perhaps there is not one you cannot smell, but some breeds are so distinctly less smelly than others that it is worth considering them if smell is something that matters to a would be dog owner.

It can be googled.

I don't need to sniff every breed to know that every dog I come across smells and that every home with a dog I have visited - however clean - has been distinctly dogiferous.

Every dog you come across is not all dogs.

Who talks about buying a handbag with dh before settling down with him to be sure he understands it's importance, then waits til their daughter is 5 years old before buying said handbag?! Stupid statement.

Op leave him and get a dog. Honestly, I couldn't be with somebody who made promises they didn't keep. People who don't like pets chiming in would have a totally different opinion if he's promised a second child. He's still a liar either way, I couldn't love a man who let me down like that.

People change their minds about their sposes, their friends and family, their house, their job and sadly sometimes even their kids. Why is changing your mind about a dog surprising

A cavalier King Charles Spaniel may be a better option if you want to walk for an hour a day. They are also small enough to ride in any car. Cavapoos are very cute too - like little teddy bears.

Other spaniels are notoriously energetic, as are other gun dogs such as labs and retrievers.

So you wanted one and would have stopped the relationship if you'd known he doesn't. He never actually wanted one, but said when your child was 5 you could get one. He's still doesn't actually want one. So the choices are- seperate, and get the dog as it's that important to you. Force him to accept one because he said you could. Don't get one and you're unhappy. There is no 50/50 compromise when it involves a living animal, so there isn't a choice that can be a compromise and everyone is happy.

Don't cavalier spaniels have some sort of skull issue?

The vast majority of dog-owning homes smell, honestly. The extent of the doggy smell varies from house to house a lot, and I do know one owner whose flat doesn't smell at all (but she works very part-time and has a lot of time to mop, wipe, air, and take soft furnishings to the dry cleaners, so that's probably why). Owners do become nose blind after a bit. If it's a spaniel or a big dog, and if both spouses work more than part-time, I think doggy smells in the house are almost inevitable.

That's a counsel of despair if ever I saw one.

The other option would be to talk to him about why he doesn't want a dog and see if he can be reassured on those points. Maybe he's experienced badly trained dogs, or he's worried about the extra effort involved in looking after a dog, or he doesn't want it sharing his bed.

There are a whole series of possible objections that would be amenable to compromise.

My thoughts exactly - perhaps the mums should swap husbands lol!

Join BorrowMyDoggie club and start taking care of other people dogs. Technically you are not getting one of your own. Then you can work out what his actual reservations are. My DH grew up without pets as his family hated them. We started by taking care of a friend's dog. We ended up getting one of our own. My husband loves him to bits

I think you should definitely have a conversation and try and get to the bottom of it to understand if there are genuinely valid reasons, has something changed etc. Having a dog was massively important to me, and in the end I divorced my ex husband over his refusal to get a dog in similar circumstances. (Obviously the divorce was related to the bigger picture here - refusal to converse/negotiate, changing goalposts after the fact, my way or the high way, not taking into account what's important to the other person, his needs always trumping mine etc.). Definitely the right call - I'd take the puppy over him any day of the week.

I'm on your side here...everyone saying you can't just get one....why not ? Why does he get to decide NOT to get one...why is that OK, but it wouldn't be OK for you to decide? I did it with a kitten, just brought it home without asking, my partner was a bit off at the idea at first but after a couple days they ended up best buds. "It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission " that's a quote from somewhere ,I'm just not sure where 😂

Do it covert style 😉

That is how I engineered our second doggo. Arranged a viewing with a breeder, we ‘went for an explore’ and detoured to the breeders house…DH fell in love with him on the spot…….and he was DEAD against numero duo hound xxx

That is so manipulative.

Why does he get to decide NOT to get one...why is that OK, but it wouldn't be OK for you to decide?

Because it's his home too and he is entitled to live in it without having to share it with a stinking bloody animal!

He seems to have made it clear to OP that he has changed his mind about having a dog. Unless she is happy to put her need for a dog ahead of her husband and marriage, she would sensible to ignore your advice.

OP isn't proposing to hang a picture on the wall that her husband doesn't like, or to buy a piece of furniture he thinks is hideous. She wants to bring an animal into his home that will be demanding, expensive and smelly.

I love my husband and wouldn't want to be without him, but if he came home with a dog and expected me to be OK with it, he'd find out quickly that he was wrong.

Fortunately, despite being a dog lover himself, he loves and respects me and wouldn't expect me to have one in our home. Not even for five minutes.

It took me 20 years to get Hubbie to finally agree (and I think he still regrets it!) - you can’t change how someone feels about something, it needs to be an agreement and not bulling them into what you want. Speak to him - why doesn’t he want a dog?
if you push him he will resent it and it will cause problems and not just go away!

@TheNormalRules you seem to be slightly obsessed by the smelliness of dogs!

Not slightly. Hugely. Because they smell horrible. Nasty stinky yuck-poos.

Keep sending him cute pictures of puppies? Read up on it together so he feels more prepared? Get to the root of the issue and see what you can do from there? Maybe take care of a friend of family member’s dog for a few days.

Don’t do it. A friend did her husband hates dog, causes whole house stress and upset, especially child who loves dog.

Secret message for you….my husband agreed to us having a dog.

First I had a dog that was 6 months old. He was left all day and had the audacity to chew the furniture. He was going to be put to sleep so he had to come here.
6 months later a 13 Year old dog was going to be put to sleep as her owner had died and his family didn’t want her.
Then …a collie that was going to be shot as he wouldn’t work….

We finished up with 8 dogs !

My husband cared for them as much as I did, although still says he wouldn’t have a dog.
Dont tell your husband this story 🤪

Don’t listen to people saying just get one anyway, recipe for disaster. I don’t mind dogs but other people’s, my friends have dogs I like a fuss when I’m at theirs but couldn’t have one in my house because of smell, fur, accidents and don’t want to pick up crap. DH had dogs growing up and he’d have one tomorrow but knows I don’t have the time or inclination or desire to have a needy animal in the house. It would be hell on earth for me if he just went ahead and got one anyway as I have to live here too, and he would be given the marching orders if he appeared with one

Definitely don’t get one, everyone needs to be onboard as it is a big decision, lots of responsibility and also impacts on everyone in the house.

Also, it’s completely ok and normal for someone to change their mind about something. People do it with no. of children, jobs, homes, etc. Experiences and life in general do not always turn out how we expect. Why would the decision to get a pet be any different to this?

As a side note, homes with dogs really do smell, and no matter how hard they try, the owners usually have some dog hair on their clothes, and often retain some of the smell. This may not be acceptable for him, or compatible with his job.

“I think there’s been a cultural shift in how human babies are generally viewed, a shift towards valuing them less and often seeing them as an expensive inconvenience.”

You only have to look at the threads on MN to see a recurring theme of women unexpectedly finding themselves pregnant and the unsolicited advice from others to abort.

Abortion was never meant to be birth-control. We were told that it would be “rare” - for difficult cases of rape or catastrophic disability. The author of the 1967 Bill spoke on this on its 40th anniversary 17 years ago.

”Lord Steel said: "I accept that there is a mood now which is that if things go wrong you can get an abortion, and it is irresponsible, really. I think people should be a bit more responsible in their activities, and in particular in the use of contraception."
www.theguardian.com/uk/2007/oct/24/politics.topstories3

He thought the numbers were high in 2007.
They are much higher now.