DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

[northernerinlondon]

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.

When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult.

From my perspective:

• We both work from home, so someone’s always around.
• Finances aren’t an issue.
• We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.
• We have a big garden and a nearby park.

I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

Might be a bit heavy too!
Labs are lovely dogs, though 👍

It does get easier not for a while though They become teenage dickheads. It all settles down from about 2. It’s why rescues end up with lots of them. You have to be consistent and remember what’s acceptable as a cute puppy isn’t when they are full grown dogs.

You need to read OP’s post, sent at the same time as yours 🫣

So glad to read this update.
That is some turn around!
Hope it all works out for you.

@banoffeelover What I find weird is people comparing dogs to children as if they're equivalent, when clearly they're not.

Dogs are completely reliant on their owners, all the time. So it's like having a baby for the duration of the dogs lifespan.

So which is it?! Are they like babies/children or not?

I'm being facetious, of course. Dogs are not completely reliant, my 4 year old dog can sit in the house for a few hours. Can't really leave my 4 year old toddler home alone. The first couple of months of having a puppy was like having a newborn but one that could bite and run - hell! But after that phase having a dog is much easier than having a child (and much more enjoyable IMO).

Exactly. I don't understand the current trend towards thinking in all or nothing terms about everything. I buy my dog Christmas presents as do a few other relatives (because they like to do so I guess, I've never questioned it), we know he's not a child because we're not morons. I don't have children because I don't want them. My dog isn't a child substitute, I simply enjoy owning a dog and will give him the best quality of life that I can afford to because it makes me happy. I also love my nephew and the children of people I'm close to because it's possible to love and buy presents for both dogs and people!

You've only got 1 child so the dog gets a seatbelt for the other back seat - sorted ... saying that I'm looking g to get a second Samoyed so I've been looking at cars with bit space as we also have 2 kids

I think it depends on what the first sentence actually means though in relation to "DH agreed". Was this a single comment on an early date, or a series of in-depth conversations over a number of years. If it's the former I can well imagine someone saying "yes I love the idea of a dog in our family xx years in future" and then when xx years pass actually forgetting that they have said it or having changed their views for many reasons. If it's the latter then I think there's more of a case of him changing the goalposts.

FWIW I was the DH to an extent in this situation - I really did not want a dog. DH had been brought up with dogs and then both DCs really wanted to get one. I was very clear even then that I didn't want one, but gradually they wore me down and I agreed. DH would never have done it if I hadn't through. I now love DDog but have to say the puppy days nearly ended our marriage and I really regretted agreeing in those early months. And now she is so tying and expensive - boarding costs when we go on holiday are expensive and insurance is now creeping up with age.

Edited as clearly I don't know the difference between former and latter

How good that you and he have now been able to talk.

If you do get a dog and want one a bit more easy to fit in than a golden retriever, may I recommend a whippet from a puppy, from a family home. They are sweetest tempered dogs, do not smell, dirt does not stick to them, they do not take up space as they curl up, they get tired out quickly after a run and sleep.

I don’t think that works at all. A lot of dog stuff - smell, hair, barking, expense, loss of spontaneity - impacts on the other person regardless of how much the dog-lover insists that they are taking care of everything themselves. A big thing about dogs is all the extra housework and cleaning they create; how is one supposed to draw a line between dog-related cleaning and non-dog-related cleaning? It’s inevitable that the other person in the family will see their housework load go up if there is a dog. And if Dog Person is spending time in the evenings walking the dog and sorting out food, what happens to all the other work that needs to be done in the evening (supervising homework, washing dishes etc.)? The other person will need to do a larger volume of those tasks, because Dog Person is off doing dog stuff.

No animal should come into a house unless everyone is genuinely enthusiastic about it; we wouldn’t have got our cats if we weren’t all cat lovers who were excited about them coming.

So you have made a life plan and got married considering that was what you would do. Now he is changing everything. I think it's time for a big talk.

"This might be part of a bigger issue. I’ve suggested couples counseling to improve communication, but he shuts that down too. We’re only in our mid-late 30s, and I don’t want us to stagnate."

This is more worrying. He can't just shut down and not discuss things so that he gets his own way all the time. You need to be able to talk through disagreements so you can understand each other, and where possible, compromise. Not discussing issues would be a deal breaker for me.

This is a two yes one no situation and your DH is saying no.

Those all sound like very legitimate concerns. And yet you still want to make him get a dog? Your lifestyle doesn't sound at all suited to a dog

I'd be pretty miffed if dh and I had agreed plans and then he decides they are not happening.

You should be a team and decisions made together.

I guess it depends how much you want the dog as to whether you push this. But I would struggle to be happy with someone if it was always me compromising/backing down on the big issues.

Why is getting a dog to you more important than your DH being happy? Maybe dig a little deeper into that. I think it's ok to change your mind about a dog, or anything. People change.

Why is refusing to get a dog more important to her husband than his wife being happy? Maybe he should dig a little deeper into that.

Oh gosh a golden retriever as well

The breeds you are mentioning, golden retriever and show cocker spaniels are not compatible with 1 hour of walking a day. So it sounds like your husband's concerns about taking too much on could be valid.

@DataPup Thanks for the concern but whilst I daydream about a retriever padding into the living room, I know my limits and it was always a pipe dream😂

As for a CS, much info online suggests an hour outdoors spaced throughout the day and interaction with someone at home all day is plenty.

https://www.spanielowner.com/cocker-spaniel/working-vs-show-cocker-spaniel "Show cockers are much less energetic and happy to stay at home and tire more easily. An hour of exercise a day for show cockers and you’ll have a calm, relaxed and tired dog."

Throughout Spring/Summer, I also mostly work with the back doors open and in sight of the garden.

Maybe he's just changed his mind and now doesn't want to have to clean up dog shit and a don't blame him to be honest.

I own a show cocker and foster another. Used to have two of my own.

I’d be wary if websites that profess they need less than their working counterparts - in some cases they do, but not always. My girl is 11 (today! Happy birthday to her) but still needs two hours a day off lead. The foster is 4 and needs 2.5 hours and mental stimulation all day…

Definitely not easy. I’d avoid a cocker and children tbh - they often go very wrong.

Agreed.

YABU. You need to understand that a dog is a massive undertaking and, if he’s not onboard, it won’t be an enjoyable experience.

Also agreed. I have a friend with 3 Show Cockers and they are not easy dogs at all. A lot of exercise and stimulation is required. She is a dog trainer so she can handle it but always advises others not to get them unless they are prepared to dedicate a LOT of time and effort to them.