To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

Or as is often the case.
He's just another bio parent who lives in fantasy and had unrealistic expectations regarding blended families.

Many bio parents should just stay single for everyone's sake

He's made comments in the past saying I "make it obvious" I care more about our children.

But I don't really understand how I'm supposed to even that out. I do feel I do a lot for DSC and have a good relationship with them, but they don't need me to care for them in the same way my own children do for a variety of factors, age, the fact they have a mother who already does a mother's role, the fact they don't live with us full time etc... realistically how am i supposed to show the same level of care in two vastly different circumstances? I show care to my DSC in a way that feels (I think for both me and them), appropriate and right given the circumstances, they have a mum they don't need me in the same capacity that my own children do.

I think H just has a lot of separated dad guilt that he sometimes tries to put on me.

I'm not perfect by any means and I have made mistakes I'm sure, its actually really hard sometimes to know how much or how little you should do in step parenting, but I don't think I have been a bad step parent to them.

Disagree - if it’s been brought up as an issue, it’s clearly significant to the OP’s partner..,

OP can’t, so that makes her situation a little challenging.

There is a difference to having a biological bond with your children vs step children, and I’m not referring to extreme circumstances where there is an issue with the mother and the relationship she has with her child before you pounce.

If my partner ‘made it obvious’ to my older son that he preferred ‘our’ son, he’d be out on his ear!!!

Whilst he shouldn't have read it, and YANBU to feel that way, it's obviously going to hurt to hear that about your kids.

I don't like to hear anyone talk badly about my kids, it's not nice. Unfortunately, I think this is just an awkward situation that you both need to just move on from.

Or conversely, why choose a partner who already has kids if you can’t handle it?

Why exactly? Nothing she's said is unreasonable.

I would too, I’d reconsider the relationship, I’m not sure I could come back from it if I read my husband wrote that about mine,

You told me saying you can’t love your step children as their own mother does, is a stupid thing to say, yet here you are saying just that. I don’t get it.

I’d say it’s more about not liking the children, maybe if she liked/loved them it would be less of an issue.

Slating your own kids is clearly different, it's like being self deprecating.

"Oh my Dc, he can be so annoying it does my head in"
Is clearly different to
"Oh my cousin's dc, he's so annoying it dpes my head in"

The first is normal. The second is bitchy. If you can't tell the difference, you don't understand basic social etiquette*

Wait, but if OP is expected to love them as her own then it's all the same, right?!
*

“…Unless these kids don't have their mum/dad or live full time with the additional person it's hard to feel the same. And generally these kids don't want an extra mum/dad…”

This. I never, ever presumed to be “another parent”. They had a good mum. I was a great parent to my own son from my first marriage. I was THRILLED to marry a man who was a loving and responsible dad but it all went belly up because me and my son were a perceived threat to his youngest daughter. Perceived. She needed support and we tried but between 2008 and 2017, I was made thoroughly miserable and ostracised to the point where I’d have done anything to make it better. This only made her dislike me more.

Excuse me? I never said anything like that. Please read back. I was responding to a poster saying what I said in the chat I.e loving like your own makes them a saint- was a stupid thing to say. I responded and said it wasn't a stupid thing to say because I imagine it's how the majority of SPs feel.

You can’t have it both ways.

Yes it was a private conversation and YANBU to be angry that he snooped and saw it.

But, YABVU to minimise and try and dictate his reaction to what you said and what you agreed to with your silence in that conversation that was slagging off step kids, in which you named and shamed his DC.

You know when someone says horrible things their defence is “You weren’t ever meant to find out, and I was just being honest. I have nothing to apologise for,…” it’s very earth shattering and makes you reconsider your relationship with someone so lacking in empathy and so willing to denigrate your children behind your back.

If step-parenting is hard for you, these are the kinds of things you should be airing with a therapist, not on a group chat with friends that he and his DC may have to interact with one day.

Actually I wasn’t talking about OP I meant in general you don’t have to give birth to a child to love them as your own. Adoption being the obvious example.
I quite understand that a step parent won’t ( always) love a sc in the same way as a biological child and nor will the child love the SP in the same way as their bio parent ( everyone is different though)
I wasn’t about to pounce on anyone btw.

slagging off step kids, in which you named and shamed his DC

This is ridiculous. She didn't slag them off or shame them.

I 100% agree - if my partner was bad mouthing my kids to his friends, that would simply be the end of our relationship.

Yes, a point I also made and has been ignored. The OP is, intentionally or not, framing the debate in such a manner that support her underlying beliefs

Oh, them I hang my head in shame, I misunderstood. I agreed with you initially then got annoyed as I must have got that wrong in that case. Your husband has unreasonable expectations especially considering your time with them is limited too

I 100% agree - if my partner was bad mouthing my kids to his friends, that would simply be the end of our relationship.

Saying that teenagers are messy and it's even harder when they aren't your own isn't bad mouthing them.

Also - if my partner’s friend had referred to my child (so my partner’s step-child) as a ‘random stranger in the house’, I would be absolutely livid and would be questioning what else has been said, not in messages

Yes it is - kids are messy, unless you resented your stepchild why is that worse than when your bio child is messy?

Where did OP say that?

.I have already said in my previous responses that I have apologised that DH was hurt by the messages already. I am angry he read through my phone as I do feel I am entitled to be, but I have already apologised that he had been hurt.

I have said in my replies I'm not sure there would be any use in me apologising for the wording of the messages as it would be false. If he wants me to apologise and say no of course I love DSC like my own, that would be a lie so it doesn't feel right to do that nor would it help surely.

I have also said I agree we clearly need to have a talk about expectations.