To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

"I'm sorry you were hurt but I stand by what I said" is really worse than no apology at all.

Do you actually want to patch this up with dh or are you doing a slow run up to breaking up with him?

OP, I think this is a situation where you both just have to draw a line under it and move on. This is something where people without children or step children will never fully understand the other side, and vice versa. The replies in this thread seem to confirm this. I don’t think you’re unreasonable but your husband isn’t either.

Things we write down are more permanent, so it’s a good principle to be more careful about them. It’s also harder to control who might access them. In general people , I think, are more careful about the words that they choose to commit “to paper”/ in writing , compared to what they might say spontaneously in person- which after all is gone , and easily forgotten, the very next second.

Yes,I remember once at work, my colleague asked me to help her with something, I sat down at the desk and her phone lit up in front of me - it was another colleague texting something really mean about a 3rd colleague of ours, I have my phone settings so you can’t read notification, you can only see the name

Yes it does make sense from a privacy/security POV.

I guess I mean more that some PPs seem to imply that it's fine to talk face to face about this but not in a chat. And I don't really see the difference (aside from a security thing), whether he read the messages or eavesdropped an in person conversation surely doesn't make any difference.

I do agree. I often feel like he just doesn't get it because all the children are his and I'm sure that works both ways. It's hard to find a balance when neither of you are in the same situation and you both have different expectations based on your POV.

I think the two are sort of linked. So it might feel a little bit more hurtful that you felt comfortable enough to commit that to writing- where is permanent - iyswim. Otherwise it could just be something you said in the moment without thinking. But I agree he would have been upset if he heard you say it as well.

He probably gets it “rationally” but emotionally it’s just too hard for him to accept, so he doesn’t want to hear/ think about it.

Has your husband actually said which part he is upset about?

OP reading some people’s interpretation of your message and your defence of it demonstrates that it could definitely be misunderstood as worse than you intended, especially in the context of others bitching about step children and especially if the reader (in this case your DH) is already primed to be worried about you not loving their kids.

I think the best approach forward is to expand on your apology a bit beyond a “I’m sorry if that hurt you” and perhaps offer some more reassurance along the lines of, “sorry it was typed out quickly and I can see how that could come across harsher than I intended. I love X & Y and enjoy being a great stepparent to them, but my love for them isn’t exactly the same” and perhaps a bit of “sorry it was harsh and only negative but I didn’t want to invalidate / annoy friends in the chat by saying positive things as that wasn’t what venting friend needed in that moment, but this doesn’t mean the majority of my feelings towards X & Y aren’t positive and loving - those two messages don’t encapsulate the full breadth of my feelings for them”.

Basically I think you might need to acknowledge the hurt and worry a bit and do some reassuring/context explaining.

I also wouldn’t get particularly worked up about him reading the message - I think making up for your messages trumps any anger you should be feeling around a “privacy breach” which is a pretty abstract/on principle issue vs the actual hurt/betrayal he will be feeling.

I don’t think he should have read your messages, as you’re entitled to your own space where you can speak freely.

I think he likely does know your feelings are valid deep down, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still hurtful to read.

He should take responsibility for that hurt, being the one that invaded your private conversation.

Agree with this, why would you let that slide?

I don't really see the point of the thread, seems OP just wants an echo chamber to motto her views and not seem to take any of the other perspectives onboard.

*mirror

He is obviously viewing it as a parent to them all with that same love for all of them so it's hard for him to see it from my POV,

I think this says it all. He expects you to view them the same way he does just bc you’re his wife. Wtf? What a bellend. Is he capable of understanding that ppl are individuals with their own unique set of circumstances which affect how they view the world? Sounds like an idiot not to be able to understand this. Or at least accept it. WHY would you view them the same? Sounds like bordering on the controlling.

No one would be pleased to find out their kids are being bitched about scathingly on a group chat.

They weren't exactly being bitched about, and if DP was talking about our kids in the same way I wouldn't care. Sometimes they are annoying and it's fine to say that.

Gosh. Difficult one because he obviously shouldn’t be reading your messages and I’m unsure why he did really. It isn’t as though he suspected you were cheating so looked through messages to another man, he’s decided to read through a chat with your friends which is odd behaviour.

I can see why he’s upset at your remarks though, especially with regards to deeming stepparents who actually love their stepchildren ‘saints’. I don’t think it’s difficult to love a child who isn’t biologically yours. You’re not related to your friends or partner but are very much capable of loving them so you could love your stepchildren if you chose to.

What a bellend

what a bellend to be hurt on behalf of his children. My god, mumsnet and step parenting. Beggars belief.

What a bellend to read someone's private messages and to have ridiculous expectations.

Have you changed your passcode?

Has she done anything to hurt or upset the SC?

No but what she said - and the broader context in which she said it - was objectifying of the children and hurtful. If the children had read it most likely it would hurt, so it’s not surprising it hurt a loving parent to read it. Anyway it’s all been covered in the thread, can’t be arsed to argue with you about this as I know your views.

i think you said you had kids yourself? Try to imagine someone like a grandparent discussing them negatively with a group in written format. I know my parents adore my kids and I would still be a bit miffed/upset if they did that although I wouldn’t mind them saying to me they are a bit untidy or whatever. I think the “step” part of it and the invasion of privacy has muddied the waters. You are entitled to speak freely to your friends about whatever you wish - he is entitled to be upset and annoyed. Is this the hill you want to die on? I can say what I like about your kids?!

Excellent point

I know my parents adore my kids and I would still be a bit miffed/upset if they did that

Whereas I wouldn't care. If my kids had annoyed my mum because they were messy and she said so to her friends that's just normal.

And that’s fine for you to make that decision - we each get to decide what’s okay for our children. But the OPs husband feels differently and that’s what important in their marriage.