To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

You asked a question and I answered it 🥴

Imagine @PointToItOnThePage if you’d posted on here “my dsc don’t love me like they love their mother”. You would have had your arse handed to you on a plate and understandably so. The role of a SM is totally different to a DM. The relationship is totally different. The love is totally different. Anyone berating you for that honestly, mildly expressed view, is projecting their own issues and bitterness.

Isn’t it a bit cruel to expect you to love his children the same as your own, when they surely don’t have the same level of love for you as they do their biological mother? Not to say they don’t love you, and you them, but I feel you need a bit of emotional distance as otherwise it would be hurtful to be second-best to their mother, if you felt the love of a biological mother for them? And isn’t that completely normal and natural? I don’t think your husband is seeing things from your perspective at all. It’s really unreasonable of him.

Why the hell couldn't you keep your feelings to yourself? In your husband's position I would feel deeply betrayed. And then you minimize what you have done by claiming to try to be a good step parent.

Because I was talking privately with friends, not to his face. Have you never discussed private feelings with friends or do you keep everything to yourself?

If I'd said it to him then I would agree with the whole why didn't you just keep it to yourself. But I should be entitled to a space to speak freely with friends about my own feelings.

And I do try to be a good step parent, two brief messages privately sent to friends does not give you a full picture.

I think this whole "you have no right to discuss X Y Z with your friends" is bullshit tbh.

You can disagree with the wording or the tone of the messages and we can agree that it may be hurtful for DH to read but I absolutely should have a right to discuss something that is a huge part of my life with people close to me.

PP asked if I ever told DH before we married that I couldn't love his children like my own. No, he never asked me to and I have always treated them well so it's never come up. I wouldn't lie to him, now having children of my own and say I do love them the same, because I don't.

Op, I think you're really misunderstanding why your dh is upset.

He doesn't expect you to love his children like your own. That would be an unreasonable expectation.

He expects/wishes you not to bitch about them, by name, scathingly ("would need to be a saint" etc), on a group chat. That is a reasonable expectation. No one would be pleased to find out their kids are being bitched about scathingly on a group chat.

If you apologise for that, and he apologises for snooping, you'll both be grand.

No need to keep banging on about how it's impossible to love them as your own. Everyone, including your dh, already knows. It's not the point. It's not why he's angry, and it's not why 35% of us are saying YABU.

It's not just uniquely a stepmum thing. I'd be similarly aghast if I somehow found out, say, my mum or my MIL or a friend or a teacher was bitching scathingly about my kids on a group chat.

You were bitchy about the kids op. Just own it and apologise, job done, end of drama.

He was also very out of order for snooping and should apologise. But that doesn't negate how bitchy you were

I have apologised, as I've said multiple times. He has not.

And the post quoted above was in response to someone literally asking me the question of whether I told DH or not that I couldn't love his children like my own. It's not misunderstanding or banging on to answer a question directed at you?

You absolutely, absolutely, absolutely have the right to say whatever you want in conversation with your friends.

Your DH also has the right to feel how he wants about that - and to be upset at seeing you talk about his children like that (and as per many PPs, the whole tone of the conversation was clearly negative). He has been unhappy with how you treat his DC, and now he's read in black and white how you feel about them.

It's not about right and wrong. He shouldn't have looked at your messages but he can't unsee it now and you haven't written anything nice about them.

Your DH also has the right to feel how he wants about that - and to be upset at seeing you talk about his children like that (and as per many PPs, the whole tone of the conversation was clearly negative). He has been unhappy with how you treat his DC, and now he's read in black and white how you feel about them

And I have apologised that he was hurt by the messages. But I am also angry that he read them in the first place. I don't think one negates the other.

"I'm sorry you were hurt but it's your fault for snooping and I stand by what I said" is a politician's apology isn't it? You're not sorry are you, and dh knows it

I do totally agree with you about this.

But I guess it’s sort of the same thing in a way as slagging off your partner to other people. Most of us try to protect that relationship to some extent , even when we have really negative or unflattering thoughts or feelings about them, because to talk shit about our partner can feel like a betrayal/ boundary cross/ violation of the loyalty we owe to each other. So I can see why your husband is hurt and angry that you wouldn’t extend that same loyalty to his children, than to write things so bluntly and casually like that in a group WhatsApp chat. On the other hand you did have a reasonable expectation of privacy so I can see it both sides.

*He has been unhappy with how you treat his DC *

I think the problem I have with this is that he never really explains why or how i "obviously show I care more about my own DC". He never has an answer. And I do feel a lot of it is just separated dad guilt and defensiveness of DSC if I ever complain about anything.

I cannot treat children the same when I am not allowed to treat them the same. I've said previously in the thread he is far more defensive of DSC than he ever would be about our children. I understand that's because he is worried about my feelings toward them, i imagine a lot of parents worry about that when their partner is a step parent and then that leads to him becoming defensive when I try to have an opinion on things but it does make it very difficult to treat / care for them the same way when you're made to feel that actually that's not what he wants, he just wants me to never complain / have an opinion on anything unless it's positive. It's a very hard balance which is why I expressed that step parenting in general is not easy.

I don't know what else to say because I'm not sorry about what was said in the sense that I'm not going to lie and say "oh it was all rubbish, of course I love them like my own". I said what I said and, whether the messages could have been worded better, I do feel that way so surely it would just be false and unhelpful to apologise for that.

I am sorry he was hurt by them, and also that the messages came across to him harsher than I intended them. I don't want him to be hurt no, and I am sorry he was. But I can't act like I didn't mean it. It's there, I said it and I do feel that way.

Edit to add this is in response to MumOf2

And I'm not saying it's all his fault for snooping, but I do think that is a violation and is something he also should he apologising for and that I do have a right to be angry about.

The messages being hurtful doesn't negate what he did by going through my phone.

I do get that. But people moan about their partners all the time. It may not be ideal but there are hundreds and hundreds of threads on here alone that people probably wouldn't want their other half reading through. People do it all the time (moan about partners, kids, MILs etc.. ) with the expectation that is private and not going to be viewed by the person being discussed.

I think to add to things you could offer that you will try to avoid making these kinds of comparisons in the future (in terms of your “love” etc) as they are not helpful/ potentially hurtful? For example, of course if you put a gun to my head and asked me if I love my own children more than my nieces then of course I do, but I don’t spend my time comparing and thinking about that, because it just feels icky and unnecessary? I love my niece, I love my kids, the relationships are different but if they needed me I’d do anything for any of them.
it sounds like your own kids are younger than your step kids? Teenagers are their whole own kettle of fish anyway and being step kids is obviously a factor too. Maybe just think of it as “different” rather than one being “more” or “less” of various negative and positive things? Maybe you could put it like this to your DH to smooth it over?

Yes we all discuss or should do, our feelings but you wrote them down and he saw what you wrote.

I know my partner doesn't love my DD like i do, i wouldn't expect that but i sure as fuck don't want to hear, let alone read it.

Step parenting is f ing hard work.

I learnt a long time ago, never write down anything you wouldn't say to someones face & he needs to learn not to snoop.

Fwiw I think you need to reassure, you re still with him, so obviously his kids aren't too bad.

I learnt a long time ago, never write down anything you wouldn't say to someones face & he needs to learn not to snoop

I second this!

You could ask this question of anyone who's commented on just about any subject from weightloss to conception.

We can't sanitize every reply to cover every possibility I'm afraid.

Yeh but what she said is also rubbish.

but i sure as fuck don't want to hear, let alone read it

Then don't read through his private messages? Sure he could just make sure he never discusses anything remotely negative with people close to him in case you go looking but by the same token, no one should be looking through private conversations either. I guess it just feels a bit half of this, half the other.

so obviously his kids aren't too bad

They aren't bad at all, which is what I said. But I still stand by the fact that step parenting is not easy regardless as to whether the kids are lovely.

Yes we all discuss or should do, our feelings but you wrote them down and he saw what you wrote

Does it make a difference? If I'd said it in person to my mum and he'd eavesdropped instead would that have been okay? Is it purely because it's written word that it's not okay to discuss? I'm not being argumentative with that, I'm curious because a few people have said now that it's fine to discuss in person with someone but not on text.

No one needs you to love them like your own. You don't need to say that you do.

A better, and I think true, apology would be "sorry I shouldn't have bitched about them on a group chat. I get that my tone was pretty awful, I got carried away because everyone was saying bitchy things and I joined in, and I regret my choice of words". I think, reading your posts on this thread, you do feel this to some extent.

You can then demand a strong apology from dh about not snooping. And (as pp said) tighten up your phone privacy settings. The main one is preventing notifications appearing on the lock screen