To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

OP, I really hope you are not taking the typical MN kicking to heart.

You were not wrong.
Your husband is disgusting to go looking at your private messages.

How controlling and creepy.
How happy are you in your relationship with him?
It is a huge red flag that he did this.
Perhaps if you weren't doing so much for HIS children you wouldn't feel this way.

It was the comparison that was hurtful. She wasn’t just moaning about her step kids , she was comparing them negatively to her own.

I honestly think it’s outrageous that people are saying the husband is wrong for feeling upset. The messages were upsetting. Husband is alowed his feelings as much as OP is allowed hers. If he’d read her messages moaning about him he’d probably feel the same! Yes he shouldn’t have read her messages - so OP can be cross about that, but he did read them and they were very hurtful!

Agree with this. My DP and I each have a child - my DD lives with us, his DS lives with his mum. Both very close in age, early teens. My relationship with his DS is a little different to his with DD - because we live together he naturally has a bit more of a parental role, whereas I don't with DSS. Additionally my DD hasn't got her father in her life - she has never met him, and DSS has a mum and doesn't have that gap. We all have a really good relationship, the kids get along really well and we don't have any issues at all. It can be a real minefield I think but we have always listened to the kids and checked each step that they are happy. If we do for one we do for the other and we keep things equal and make sure they both feel an integral part of our family, as I'm always aware as DSS doesn't live with us he could feel left out. We try our best and it seems to be working!

Oh and I love my DSS. But not like he was my child, because he ISN'T my child - he has a mum and dad who love him very much, and he's also got me who loves him too. As long as there is love, does it matter?

I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

Speechless. I thought Cinderella was a fairy tale until I came onto MN and realised how awful people are about DSC. Indeed, MN should remove the 'D' from the list of abbreviations, because I have rarely seen a positive comment about step-kids.

Ok, your DH shouldn't read your private messages, but don't you think he may be gutted to know what you think of his kids? Or did you tell him that you couldn't love them like your own before you got together ?

I sincerely hope that all those who really do not love their step-children stop and think - What if anything happened to me and my children were suddenly the step-children of someone else? What if that woman had the same attitude to my kids as I have towards my DSC?

Have you thought about how upsetting your comment might be for people who have been adopted?

Let's hope they don't read MN

Oh come off it really??

Your point?
OP is quite comfortable in her assertion that the DSC won't find out that she doesn't love them like her own. However, given her DH could access the phone, what's to say theMN account isn't available to be read?

Her husband knows what was said anyway about his children, so threatening the “lets hope they dont read munsnet” is not called for. Making the OP feel deliberately uneasy for having feelings that are completely valid as if shes done something absolutely awful.

The point was that the DSC did not know, not the DH

Still this, it’s a totally different bonding experience, why deny that reality. Doesn’t mean there is no love obviously, but it’s a different type of love for those you literally share DNA with, or in the mothers case, the person has literally come out of your own body. It’s not being cruel or offensive to say this, it’s nature.

Doesn’t take away from the love adoptive parents have for their children either, as to state the obvious there are different ways of loving.

Surely you wouldn't know that though, as a fact, that you can’t love an adoptive child as much as a bio child? Unless you’ve adopted and also had your own child? You’re just asserting your own as if they are fact

This is just such harmful rubbish. Maybe this is how the world works for you, but it’s not the same for everyone. Some people don’t put the same importance on DNA or “coming out of your body”.

Still this, it’s a totally different bonding experience, why deny that reality. Doesn’t mean there is no love obviously, but it’s a different type of love for those you literally share DNA with, or in the mothers case, the person has literally come out of your own body. It’s not being cruel or offensive to say this, it’s nature.

So, could you point out to us what you are actually trying to say?

@Lizzie67384 comprehension skills are fine. However you keep banging on about the same things and pushing your own views! And then arguing with those who don’t agree. Not everyone has to agree with you, and pushing your point like you have on here isn’t particularly helpful. Are you the OP in disguise?

By stating that there are different types of love, I’m ’banging on’, and agreeing that adopted children can be loved, cherished and nurtured, yet the maternal bonds with a ‘bio’ child are different. If it wasn’t the case, OP and other step parents, which is the actual context, would have no issue loving their step children as their own.

This is obviously triggering, so best to leave it at that.

I think your husband was so wrong to read your messages. You are entitled to privacy and allowed to offload about anything in your life.

I don't think anything you wrote is wrong. I am not a step-parent but my DH is to my child. We try to be open about frustrations etc. I understand that he loves my child but it's not the same as our biological child together. The key thing here is that the children are not treated any differently. He adores them both, loves them both, cares for them both, however the type of love is understandably different. I think it's wrong for someone to expect it to be the same. As long as children are loved, adored and nurtured in the same way, then why does the type of love matter?

I think maybe you could have worded it slightly differently without the saint comment. I can understand why that might have stung to read. But he shouldn't have read it, so it's irrelevant really.

I also think you should give yourself some credit. You say you don't think you are a bad step parent, but I think if you are doing as I have said above, then I think you are saint. It takes a special type of person to be a good step parent. I am awe of my husband every day for being such a great parent, step parent and partner.
Your DH should be giving you the credit you deserve, it's a big job, with huge frustrations.

Which part don’t you understand?

Read that back to yourself, ‘not everyone has to agree with you’.

Well said.

Morning,

I don't want to get into the whole adoption vs step children debate. I don't think it's helpful. I do think there are huge very obvious differences between adoption and step parenting but again, I dont think this is the place for it.

Me saying I couldn't love DSC like my own isn't even solely to do with biology although im sure no one can deny it plays its part. But there are all sorts of reasons why you would form stronger bonds and connections with a child who is completely yours (and I don't just mean biologically) and a child that is not and has their own very involved mother who they live with the majority of the week and who you met when they were already heading to secondary school.

PP asked if I ever told DH before we married that I couldn't love his children like my own. No, he never asked me to and I have always treated them well so it's never come up. I wouldn't lie to him, now having children of my own and say I do love them the same, because I don't. It's entirely different and I think most step parents get that. He's never asked me and I've never felt it needed spelling out because I consider it to be pretty normal. He is obviously viewing it as a parent to them all with that same love for all of them so it's hard for him to see it from my POV, and it's hard for me to see it from his when we don't share the same circumstances. It's tough.

The part where you universalise your own particular beliefs or experiences of the world in a way that is hurtful to others.

I have already said this is triggering for some, yet you want to keep pushing it.