To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

Can you quote which points you didn’t think were ‘kind’ and ‘human’ ?

Out of interest, did you think the friend’s comments were kind and human?

Making the general assumption that her friends group is “toxic” for one , where the probability that they are just a normal group of hard working women with life experiences with every right to ask each other for advice and opinions.

If OP’s friend had no experience of children/step-children and being a step parent then no she probably would not understand that having step children is not the same as having random strangers walking about the house.

Oh come on you can’t be serious! You think someone could compare a partner’s children to ‘random strangers in the house’ (and yes I think that comment is toxic)

ESH

He shouldn’t have read your messages.

You shouldn’t have talked about his children like that.

On balance, I think you are the more unreasonable one as you’re talking about kids.

Step-parenting and parenting are both hard. Fact. So you're supposed to not even have a safe, private space with your friends to vent about that and any other stuff you have going on? It's just like talking about your own kids, they all drive you up the wall at some point. I'd go bloody mad if my private chat (and lifeline!) was snooped on.

i have no idea how someone with no step-children/ children would view the situation, but i do think you are being deliberately awkward to the OP

@ALLABOUTTHEWORDS makes a good point

And I think you’re being deliberately one sided, so guess we’re even 🤷‍♀️

The random strangers comment doesn’t even make sense - it’s not like you’d move into a house with a man, having never met his children before, now that would be toxic!

Maybe im just fed up if seeing so many people jumping on OP’s threads to be unkind instead of just kindly giving their opinion then leaving it. You can give opinions without the accusatory tone you know.

Well likewise - you’ve been accusatory in your comments!

Yes ive called you out for being unkind, ive not accused the poor OP of anything other than being human.

So you’re saying that everyone has to agree with the OP, essentially?

Could you quote the comment in which you think I’ve been ‘unkind’?

I’m not surprised seeing that in writing gets a reaction from the DSC’s father. It must be hard to convince yourself that you’re a good dad when you only see your DC every other weekend. When you realise you’ve set up home with someone who finds your DC’s mere presence annoying it must be impossible to maintain the delusion.

He shouldn't be reading his wife's private conversations.

Listening and texting are two entirely different things and this was a private group chat between OP and her friends.

I’m with him.

@PointToItOnThePage I totally get you - don't understand why so many posters are insisting on misinterpreting what you said and flaming you for their misunderstanding, even after you've explained what you meant.

Your DH shouldn't have read your messages and shouldn't be so sensitive about your comments, especially given all the effort and attention you clearly give his DC at the expense of yourself and no doubt your own DC sometimes.
Would he have intruded on your personal conversation if he'd seen your own DC names? I bet he wouldn't - and why? Because he feels more protective over your SDC? Well that's not fair is it?
And would he be all wounded if you'd expressed annoyance/fatigue/whatever about your own DC? Probably not!
Because you're allowed to moan about your own DC but not your SDC?
It's always difficult raising SDC where you have some responsibility but not all, trying to assert your own parenting priorities without treading on the mums toes or confuse the poor SDC. You'll probably feel more protective over your own DC sometimes, and more protective over your SDC at other times.
My DC have the luxury of living full time with both parents, while my SDC has to manage 2 houses with 2 parenting styles- how difficult must that be growing up so I am extra attentive in lots of ways that my own DC don't need. In the other hand DC has been volatile and disruptive over the years and I've had to focus on my DC and let my husband and DC mother manage things, being on standby as needed by any of them.

You sound like you're doing a brilliant job and your DH should be grateful and just let you vent a tiny bit to your friends. Over the years your relationship with your SDC will evolve and as long as you keep doing what you're doing and be a steady influence then they'll all appreciate you. My relationship with SDC has always been like yours including through the most difficult teen years (often calming down my DH when he's been itching to kick off at SDC) and now SDC has come out the other side in all honesty it's now stronger than ever. I couldn't be more proud of the young man he's grown into- he's more stable and content with life than my DH now which for maybe 6/7/8 years did not look like it would ever be the case but having 3 parents including one more objective less emotionally charged one has probably benefited him.
So yes you're right you don't have the same love as your own DC but they probably love you differently to their own DPs too - it's not to say you don't love them and your role in their lives will still be hugely important.
DH needs to get real and appreciate what you do for them and for him and for his XW and just say thankyou, keep doing what you do!

Thinking about it this morning, I think it's about the tone. Presumably he read the whole conversation, not just your comments, and it was obviously a pretty nasty chat if someone called stepchildren "random strangers in the house" and no one pulled them up on it.

You could have made your point differently, empathising which your friend but sticking up for your DSC. You could have said "it is hard at times. Obviously I'm not a parent to X and Y, and you do of course feel differently about your own. But they're really good kids and part of our family. DH and his kids are a package deal, obviously! We have our bumps in the road but it's been well worth it for me". Or something else more positive. Your messages read as if you tolerate your DSC, and imply you don't get anything positive out of your relationship with them. That would be so hard for a parent to read.

You haven’t said anything that isn’t true or fair or normal. But it must still be really hard to hear someone say that about their kids. It must feel like a gut punch. But then, you are entitled to a private conversation with friends and he has massively overstepped by reading it.

Do you want to resolve the issue with your DH or do you want to be right? Your messages make it sound like the latter. You both have a perspective on this.

Your DH is worried you treat the children differently (to the point where he’d read your phone messages when he sees their names which is obviously not ok). But his concern (whether real or not) is quite serious and damaging for your relationship so you need to engage with it.

He needs to acknowledge that he has violated your privacy and also that your experience as a step parent is very different to his experience as parent to all his biological children.

You need to consider how those messages might have been upsetting for him to realise that’s how you felt about his children, possibly he had expectations that you would form deeper bonds than you have. No he shouldn’t have read them but the cat is out of the bag now and needs dealing with.

someone who finds your DC’s mere presence annoying it must be impossible to maintain the delusion.

By mere presence you mean teenage untidiness

Teenage untidiness that they could well clear up after themselves or DH do it. OP obviously does alot for her DSC and husband here.

Indeed

That's the point. You are allowed the full range of human emotion about your own kids but get told off if you express frustration to your mates about step kids, who you care for without decision making ability or autonomy. Of course step kids are harder if you are involved with them because you are living with the consequences of someone elses' decisions ( around school choice, homework policy, screen time, what social media they should have, bedtimes, food, extra curriculars, sleepovers) - it isn't that the child is intrinsically annoying more that if you as a parent make a choice you regret it feels different to if the parent makes a choice and you as the step have to live with it.