To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

Because it just is.

How long have you been married?

Why? I’m genuinely intrigued by this - why would a step child being messy be more annoying than your own child being messy?

7 years

I think you need to fix things with your husband there and not defend your actions to total strangers online 🫣
For me this would be the end.
There are clearly issues already if your husband is aware how you already treat them.
Then your own children will potentially eventually be in the position your step children are in.

For one thing - with my own teens I can bitch ABOUT them TO them about the state of their rooms and the mess they leave. It wouldn't be as easy to do that with step children.

People would divorce over discovering adults love their own kids more than those that are not?

Guess that's why some have so many children by multiple partners.

No critical thinking or common sense.

Best to stay single in that case.

You wouldn’t be able to say ‘tidy your room’ to a stepchild? Ummmm

The over reactions on here from people who go would break up a marriage for this are insane.

And yes I was a step child.

I can answer from my own perspective but for me it's a variety of reasons, partly because you don't always feel you can be the one to pull them up on things as sharply, because you might be fighting against things that the actual parents aren't as bothered about instilling in their children I.e. chores or tidying up after themselves, and yes rightly or wrongly in your opinion, I do think we just have naturally more patience when it comes to our own children, there is an unconditional love there that helps get through those irritations.

I didn’t vote because I can see both sides.

I would feel exactly the same towards step children as you OP. However I’m not a step parent and would never choose to be because se of that. I am dubious of people who say they love a step child as their own - because I couldn’t. But that could be a me problem.

on the other hand if I read that about my child I would end the relationship - which would make a hypocrite I know, but I’d feel wounded. And wouldn’t want the person around my child.

and he was very wrong for reading your messages in the first place.

You wouldn’t be able to say ‘tidy your room’ to a stepchild?

To my own I'd say 'your room is a shit pit and there's probably something growing in there'. Different.

You seem very triggered.

How old are all the children, as if the step children are older and young teenagers, it’s going to get a little more frustrating than it already sounds.

If yours are older and through the teenage years and more annoying and messy than yours then it’s also going to get messy.

Sounds like you really do need to have a conversation about how to manage this dynamic, and your DHs breach of trust which is a separate matter.

If someone said about my kids:

”'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't"

So child X and child Y these are their names mind you - let’s imagine Nigel and Jessica to make this seem a little less impersonal. Reading between the lines.

Nigel and Jessica are hard work. I don’t think anyone other than a Saint could love Nigel and Jessica other than their bio mum. I certainly can’t.

This.

So why did you chose a man with kids? I had two children - one with my partner, one with my ex - I made it crystal clear to my partner that my child comes first and if he couldn’t handle it, he’d need to meet someone else - what if you split up with your partner and then your kids become step kids to someone else? Would you be happy with someone talking about your kids in this way?

@ToBeDetermined you are missing the 'like their own' part.

Surely you can understand that actually no, not everyone can?

My husband often gets more defensive of my step children than I feel he would be if I were to say the same thing to our own children. So it leaves you in the position of feeling like can I say anything or not.

Triggered by what? Because I have a different point of view to you?

But why couldn’t you say that to a stepchild?

Stepmum here... I can see it from both perspectives

Where my dd's older siblings are concerned i am one of the rare ones who loves them like they were my own. I split with their dad 7 years ago but they are still mine and we still do a lot as a family (Inc my now dh).

That said there have been times when they have driven me to distraction and days when I could have quite happily walked away and washed my hands of them. As I could with my own dd (their sister) at times.

I fully appreciate that this nissan not the normal relationship for a stepmum. I am exceptionally lucky to have them. They were 9 and 6 when I met them and are now 21 and 19. I adore them.

However, my dh had a son who unfortunately died earlier this year. He was a very troubled teen who had a highly dysfunctional relationship with his mum and always felt like he was an inconvenience in her house. She upped and moved away when he was 7, never told a soul and it took my dh months to track her down. The first he knew was when ahe hadnt paid her rent and the landlors turnes up on his doorstep wanting her info.

She took their son over 200 miles away to be with thw bloke she had been having an affair with. Dh had done nothing wrong (she was very vocal after their son died). She just wants a new life and dh was an unfortunate inconvenience according to her. She hoped he would lose interest in their son and leave her to it.

The parental alienation was abhorrent and unfortunately all it succeeded in doing was turning her won into a very bitter and angry kid. Her has a chronic illness that if managed should never have caused any major issues. Unfortunately neither he didn't and she never noticed. His behaviour spiralled and he became very violent as a result. After a particularly awful episode last year, the first one I had been witness to, I had to stop him from being in my home for my daughters safety. I paid for dh to have hotels near his sons home (i am the higher earner) and encouraged their meet ups etc but I had to safeguard my own child, her well being trumps his. DH fully supported me and understood why I made my choice.

I was called all sorts of vile names for this by his mum. Who incidentally wanted to have her son sectioned in the weeks leading up to his death because of the aggression.

The point I am making is your feelings and conversation are perfectly normal. They were not rude, mean or anything else and your husband is being a dick.

It is incredibly hard to love someone else's child like you love your own. No one expects a woman to love her friends kids as she would her own, or nieces and nephews, so why the hell is there so much pressure on stepmums?!

As long as you care for them, are not mean, put their needs high up on the agenda then you are doing well!

Pretty sure on one level your husband realises that your feelings for your biological child outweigh those for your stepchildren. To be fair it would be a rare thing if they didn't. Maybe it was seeing it shared with random acquaintances that upset him. It's kind of a family matter really. You could have voiced a general opinion without bringing their names into the discussion which maybe would have been less hurtful.

@Lizzie67384 If you split your with your current partner would you let/expect him to see your first child afterwards? It wouldn't be that usual, yet the step parent is expected to have a 100% parental love for the child.

Your DH should be parenting his own children not leaving it to you, or if you’ve agreed on things like this, he should be supporting you in basic courtesy stuff like you’d expect of a housemate, ie keeping their shitpits from becoming a health hazard.

You can't just re write what I said to make it suit your narrative better!

I did not say the children were hard work at all. I said they were good kids. I was referring, quite clearly in the context of the conversation and throughout this thread, to STEP PARENTING being hard and not easy. Not the individual children themselves which you well know.

Yes of course and I’d imagine they’d maintain a relationship - I expect my partner to love our younger child more BUT what I wouldn’t expect or tolerate would be for him to be having conversations about my older child with his friends