To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

I also would be dropping her and would tell her why.
You've been such an amazing and caring friend, cards and gifts at the right times (some variety in exactly what that looked like obviously because who never alters what they do!), lots of consideration of many aspects of life, and it's all been one way as she has afforded you none of the same. You lost two friends tragically early and it was less of a blip on her radar than her nan! Wtf.

Yes, I did say that. She agreed that she had said it was fine, but "on the day" she felt pushed out. She even said that other guests were asking them why they were in a different room! They weren't!! I said that it had been worked out (as I'd discussed with her beforehand) as front row nearest top table, middle row, back row. They were front row and no further from the next table than any others. It just worked out that when numbers dwindled, the other tables for the middle/back rows that side of the pillars weren't needed.
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Drama llama- just ridiculous! I feel cross for you that you have had such doubts and worries for so long over something so piffling and trivial- ugh!

I'm so sorry, op, you sound like an amazing friend. She doesn't deserve you.

So when you asked what else you could have done, she said she didn’t even know what she was talking about? She sounds crazy!

@EmeraldDreams73 "She did say at one point that she felt embarrassed to say xyz, but still kept saying it"

so on some level, she knows she's being ridiculous

it's a strange one but it seems she's treated other people like this and it's just the first time you've been on the receiving end

oh well. I'd see how things go.

This reminds me of the script a man says when he leaves his wife and has to come up lots of problems.

I think if you'd both been able to laugh about it - because she's been so silly you could have moved on.

no🎤those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me 🎤

i have family members who can be petty like this but had ways of saying sorry without actually saying it! Annoying I know. I suppose in the end it depends what you find acceptable to put up with.

I am sorry you’ve been so shabbily treated, OP.

I think your friend has a bad case of main character syndrome. You probably didn’t notice until recently because she didn’t feel her place as main character was threatened.

But then you got married, which probably in itself challenged her, and when she turned up at the wedding she felt she was “behind a pillar.” It’s consistent with her not really acknowledging that two of your friends had passed (💐), but expecting you to do more than send a card to her and her parents when her nan died, and with “insufficient” attention paid to her and her daughter’s birthdays.

I think that her sitting stewing for a year was about restoring the pecking order. She knew you were upset at her silence, but as far as she’s concerned that’s how it should be: she is the main character in your life. She wanted you to be running after her trying to make amends. Then at your meeting, she won’t let you get a word in and delivers a long monologue about all the things she thinks you’ve done wrong.

I’m not surprised she has no insight into how much she’s hurt you, and that she seems to think things can move on now, with that oblivious “thanks for meeting up” message. As far as she’s concerned, she’s said her piece and that’s the end of that. In her head, she is the main character, so what more is there to say?

You have the patience of a saint, OP, and you have been far kinder to and about her than she deserves.

There were quite a few posters on this thread saying you should stop trying to contact her. Either because it was obviously what she wanted and you were "harassing" her or because she'd behaved so badly you should contact her.
I'm wondering what she'd have done if you did give up and whether you asked her this?
Edited for grammar

This was on my mind, too. I didn't ask directly as such, but I did tell her at one point that I'd felt I needed to give up as I clearly wasn't wanted. I then said how confusing it was to get normal sounding messages. Not sure if that went in. But just before we said goodbye I told her that if anyone else had done this for this long, I "wouldn't be here", ie meeting up. Shortly after that is when she said thank you for not giving up on me.

Have you responded to her last message thanking you for a nice time?

Yes I just said "you too" or something. I will not be initiating any kind of communication for a long time now. The more I think about it, the more shit I feel and it's not good for me. She somehow managed to convince herself that I wasn't the person/friend that I had been for 45 YEARS and it does just feel like the friendship I thought we had was based on lies tbh. She's a great actor I guess. Wtf was the point?

I don't blame you for feeling like that, I'd definitely be done with the friendship too. But take comfort in knowing that you have acted with integrity and respect throughout, unlike her. Frankly, she's an idiot for deliberately testing you like she has been – she must have a massive ego on her if she thinks she can treat you like shit for a year and it won't change things between you! It's like she's always assumed you'd come crawling back.

Do you think it's that, or is it that she's changed?

I've no idea, I'd have said she's changed, but she was behaving (and messaging) perfectly normally and then the "last straw"/catalyst for complete shut down was the funeral one. Whether it's the case or not, this has made me question the entire friendship.

Coming back to this after reflecting a bit @EmeraldDreams73 . I have a friend so I’ve known for 40 years - we were very close all through school, sixth form, 20s. Over the years our lives have become v different. Kids v no kids. Married v not. FT work v travelling/pt work. City flat v countryside. Vaxxer v strident anti-vaxxer. Now as 50 somethings, we have very little common ground. Her hobbies, opinions, politics, whole way of being is completely different to mine. We will never be close again I know that. And it’s fine. But I have wonderful memories of those formative years and that’ll never go. We’ve both changed. I guess I’m saying, maybe you have your “closure” now and you can look back fondly on your past friendship 💐

It'd stick in my craw a bit that the mutual friend last year seemed to know all about it too so P had maybe gossiped to her and had a moan.

Just all so disappointing. It does hurt though, you wouldn't he human if the whole thing didn't sting as well as piss you off op.

@EmeraldDreams73 Thank you for the update. I was one of the posters that said don't give up on her, she may be having a mental health crisis or something.

It was brave meeting up with her, she was honest with you. To me the points she made were very petty, but I understand to others hey may be a big deal. People change, particularly as they get older.

This would personally give me the closure needed to.part ways on civil terms. I wouldn't contact her again, but I would be reassured she was not floundering and needing help and wouldn't spent a minute more analysing it.

I hope this brings you peace of mind.

@Eyeballpaula " I wouldn't contact her again, but I would be reassured she was not floundering and needing help and wouldn't spent a minute more analysing it."

I agree but I do wonder if she's in a funny head space and will come out of it.

I feel like the world is in a weird head space right now though so I might be projecting 😂

Very brave of you to pursue this friendship even through the year long sulk. You are, indeed, a good friend to her. Its really sad that she has destroyed the friendship this way. But there is really no going back after knowing what you now know. She is a cruel and petty person.

Thank you all, it really helps to know I'm not going mad.

I've already had a few messages today sending me info/podcasts on things I'd expressed an interest in. I'll say thanks v much and look into them, but don't worry. My walls are firmly UP - and I'd already decided to maintain my silence on it all to mutual friend, I won't be giving anyone the satisfaction!!

OP I really feel for you and I hope you get to a place where you don’t feel bad about this anymore.

The problem with sharing something like this, either with good friends or on MN is that most people rush in to reassure you by exaggerating how awful the friend is and that can paradoxically make you feel supported but somehow worse about yourself as it magnifies the offence. What she did was thoughtless and unkind, but don’t make the offence bigger than it is because she obviously doesn’t dislike you or want to get rid of you. She has behaved badly but honestly most of us however hard we try will upset a close friend at some point in our lives even if we really don’t mean to. Big life events like weddings trigger us in ways we don’t understand. You don’t have to be friends with her if you don’t want to, but Don’t take it personally.

Wow, she really does think now she's vented her spleen you can carry on as normal! Clearly not taken on board your comments about how it has affected you.

I think you're being unfair implying that everyone on the thread has whipped OP up into take more offence than she needs to. The friend cut OP off for an entire year and ignored all the messages she sent asking if anything was wrong. That's just cruel and she absolutely did mean to do it – their catch-up chat makes it clear she made a conscious decision to cut OP off. Not sure how anyone wouldn't take that personally!