To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

One of my so called "pals" in my NCT group took against me and started digging up shit on me like the fact I refused to participate in her MLM scheme. Then she got heinously drunk at the wedding of another of the couples in the group and had a HUGE go at me. I was driving, so completely sober. It was distressing - but I do suspect she has significant mental health issues.

She made this shit non apology via WhatsApp a full 3 days after the event. I had absolutely no hesitation in binning her.

Life is MUCH too short for that crap. TBF I hadn't known her for decades, tho.

Some people are crazy. Most aren't!

Seeing her, and hearing her rhyme off her character destroying rap sheet, will have did your self esteem not one iota of good! Jeez, quite the opposite. She is an absolute arsehole, the type of venomous twonk I'd be thanking my lucky stars to be rid of.
I hope you can find the fire inside to be kinder to yourself. Honestly, what you've described is awful; and to think you actually apologised to her 😔 She's absolute poison @EmeraldDreams73.

@EmeraldDreams73
Glad you're okay.

I'm not quite sure what I was expecting, but not this! I think I was expecting her to say that life had kind of taken over or something. I wasn't expecting stuff that sounds quite petty.

Thanks for telling us what happened. I have one person in particular that I sometimes feel like asking her if I did anything wrong. That person is a bit different because she has completely vanished (unless you count a Christmas message which I suspect was a round robin). Your experience puts me firmly in the position that I won't bother. Last time I saw her, she was enthused and happy to see me so there's not even complications of big events etc

I understand that sometimes we're all capable of being irrational and we will misunderstand small things, but I had rather hoped that a good long-term friendship would get past all of that.

It's amazing how much people change over a period of years. I guess she has become a bit petty. I think some posters are seeing it as quite vicious but I'm not seeing that. More just puzzled really.

@SassK isn't "venomous" a bit strong?

As we age our learning grows, and it gets easier (well it has for me) to drop friends who leave me second guessing. A true friendship is one where you leave a meet up feeling good, not wondering if you did or said something wrong.

It's empowering to drop toxic friends, and it's only the benefit of hindsight that let's you see just how much of a negative effect they were having. I don't judge family relations and friendships on longevity or labels now (I cringe hearing people with toxic family say 'ah but he/she is still my brother/sister etc' from siblings who clearly don't like each other!), because relationships aren't built on time or labels, they're built on the effort and emotion you put in.

She's left the OP dangling in uncertainty for months, then turned up with a lengthy rap sheet of silly slights.
The upshot of this woman's behaviour is @EmeraldDreams73 questioning her worth in ALL of her friendships (an awful, but entirely understandable, reaction). I'd say venomous is putting it mildly!

Wow, it’s all pretty pathetic of her isn’t it? And so self important.

I do think that it takes decades to truly know someone (and even then….). Plus there are fault lines through every relationship which will potentially be exacerbated at stress points.

She should be embarrassed really. Well done on how you’ve handled this OP. But don’t hesitate to pull away from her if that’s what feels right.

@Alalalala decades and then they change! (Btw is that an abbreviated username, did it used to have lilong at the end)

@EmeraldDreams73 what was the tone like, was it like she was telling you off or more acknowledgement of her being a bit silly?

@SassK fair dos

Just to clarify I mean an awful reaction to have to experience (not awful to have). I don't want it to sound like I was slighting the OP.

@EmeraldRoulette Good point. The tone was calmly and seriously listing the ways in which my actions were supposedly odds with my words, although none of the examples rang true to me at all. She did say at one point that she felt embarrassed to say xyz, but still kept saying it. She also said (after I'd asked exactly how she felt my actions should have been different) that she didn't really know what she meant. Tbh I was confused as hell too.

I said to dh earlier, I'd have felt differently if she'd said God, it sounds so petty looking back, but at the time I felt xyz. None of it was said lightly or with any awareness of the effect it would have on me. This says a lot - I'd have been the opposite, talking myself out of any grievance to avoid making someone else feel bad.

Looking back over many years, I can think of plenty of examples with close family/partners where she's got entrenched in a way of seeing things, stewed for ages, then blown up. (Not with any friends that I'm aware of, though) We're all different I know, but I just have zero experience of this kind of bad feeling and will, I think, really struggle to just put it behind me. She might be expecting to just crack on as normal but it will be very much more distant for me.

I think she’s been shit but she’s fronted up and been honest. You are right to feel
pissed off op but I do hope you can eventually salvage what you had.

Some people are so transactional about friendships aren't they?

Did they send a card, did they make a phone call, are they in the correctly positioned seat at the wedding 🙄

Tbh I cannot be bothered with transactional friendships as I don't think they're true friendships

And if I don't think someone is a true friend, then they are acquaintance zoned

I suppose things like the wedding seating would have been difficult ones to raise at the time, ok she might have said it was perfectly fine at the time but but of course she was going to say that because it was your big day. The other things though, just seem like things that were not really major reasons to avoid you for so long but she’s used them as add ons to try and beef it up for justification to herself. The fact she mentioned early on that she was avoiding confrontation I always felt was odd. What sort of confrontation was she expecting anyway? Having said that though, I don’t think the friendship can ever be quite the same because you’re always going to be wondering if she’s going to hold on to anything you say or do for future resentment.

I’m not seeing any honesty. I’m seeing the petty complaints of a woman with zero self awareness and a propensity for cruelty that she’s kept mostly hidden for decades.

I’m with @Cyclingalong how is she not embarrassed by her pettiness and massive ego. Don’t be surprised if from the moment she left you she was mulling over every word you said, every facial expression and will find you have displeased her again in some way.

You seem very nice and I wonder if you have been the under dog in this friendship in any way. If you have I would bet that it all stemmed from your wedding but not the table seating. If she’d always secretly felt slightly superior to you just being at your wedding and seeing so many people who love you and were happy for you might have stuck in her craw. Of course, she’d never admit that and may have had to really rake around to come up with her piffling excuses

She sounds very immature and very self centered. I'm glad you got your answers and I hope you can see that this has been very much about her ridiculous reactions to tiny things, and not you at all,
as you seem lovely to me.

Bloody hell, is she 15 or 50?

They are piffling excuses and there’s no guarantee she won’t fabricate more as she isn’t regretful. It’s all about her. She appears self-centred, judgemental and condescending.

Imo she’s devalued herself and I’d be done with her.

You deserve better then this all these "crimes" are ridiculous! You sound like a fabulous friend that I'm sure any of us here would love in our lives. So basically P has made you feel like crap for a year because she didn't like the table she sat on? That is ridiculous petty behaviour. I think your a better friend then she deserves. If you do continue with this friendship don't be surprised if she does this again please tread carefully

Absolutely agree with this 100%

Nothing in that list should have been sulked over. She was invited to the wedding, had a card when Nan dies, and had a birthday present. The only one that's got any level of irritating is that missing the DD's birthday some years and not other years might upset the kid - better to send nothing any year than have a kid expect something they don't receive. Still, easy enough to handle, kids do need to learn how to handle disappointment.

So, if the excuses are bullshit then where does that leave you? You could consider if she is anxious / menopausal and projecting that onto irritation with you, or if she's scrabbling round because she feels the friendship just doesn't work any more. Her subtext about your actions suggests to me though that she feels the wedding has displaced her somewhat; you are not her top person because that's your DH, and so she's trying to get by without you now. You can't meet her unspoken demand to be prioritised above DH, so I'd just leave her to it now if it were me. Good luck with it whatever you decide.

Well you’ve got your answers now @EmeraldDreams73 😵‍💫. I think sometimes it doesn’t play out in a particularly dramatic way, it’s almost a bit of a damp squib, as in, that’s it??! I imagine it won’t be either/or going forward, if you stay in touch, it’ll be on a shallower, lighter level. People are strange indeed ❤️

Reading your updates again, @EmeraldDreams73, you know what I think is absolutely the worst thing about it all? She has known for an entire year that you have been agonising over what's wrong between you and still she let you suffer. You've sent repeated messages reaching out and asking if she was okay, even enlisting your mutual friend to find out, so she's known you have been really upset. Meanwhile she's been nursing her ridiculously petty grievances and making a conscious decision to freeze you out and leaving you none the wiser. Now she's got it off her chest she wants to continue as though nothing's happened! Sod that. She's being disingenuous when she says she never thought about the impact it was having on you – she knew, she just didn't care. I would NEVER trust her again and I would never feel the same about her. I'd be ending the friendship – but unlike her, I would tell her exactly why I was in no uncertain terms.

This was just one big attention seeking, quiet quitting, friendship tantrum. She sounds like she is an emotionally stunted, precious princess.

OP your friendship is worth more. Who needs to be walking on eggshells, friends are supposed to laugh together.

This is the reason I have no friends. Life is just less complicated not having to second guess all my actions in case I upset someone.

Agree with every word that's been said since your latest post op.
I also agree with your instincts on this, and in her shoes I also would have cast the issues into context, with a 'I got it out of proportion, which explains my behaviour but I'm sorry now' kind of approach.

I don't think this is something you can mitigate with hormonally charged emotions reasoning... This is who she is, given as you say, she has form for this with family members.
It's just the first time you've been on the receiving end and seen just how minimal a basis for her anger and the relationship damage she is willing to have!

Out of interest, did you say 'i sent you the seating plan and you said you were happy' and if so what was her response to that... Did the penny drop at all that she's been crucifying you for nothing?