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AIBU?

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Original poster

To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

633 replies

EmeraldDreams73 · 08/09/2024 16:03

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
GrandmotherStillLearning · 25/01/2025 17:44

EmeraldDreams73 · 08/09/2024 16:03

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

It's only an hour and half..drive over with box of chocolates and say flying visit welfare check..

Eat the chocolate together, listen and observe

spicemaiden · 25/01/2025 17:49

EmeraldDreams73 · 25/01/2025 17:41

Right! I'm finally back home. Get the kettle on! 🤣

I got there first, found a table in an almost empty part of the usual (v large) cafe and then basically stayed all day. P got there about 15 mins after me. At first we chatted "normally" for quite a while, I kept trying to get a word in to ask wtf was going on, but eventually she brought it up.

So. Tiny (imho) things, basically:

  1. They didn't like where they were sat at the wedding (I had sent her a plan and checked she was ok with it beforehand. She had said absolutely no problem, they didn't mind where they were.) But on the day, they felt "pushed out". Frankly, this is insane. There was a pillar between the main reception area and the area their table was in. Originally supposed to be two other tables the other side of the pillars, but numbers eventually meant there was just one, but it was actually closer to the top table (and with a better view of it) than many others the other side of the pillar.

  2. I didn't make enough of a big deal after her Nan's funeral - this was the catalyst in mid Feb for cutting contact. For context, her Nan was 102 when she passed and it had been expected for a long time. It was also a few weeks after my friend died of cancer in her 50s. I DID message her and did send her (and her parents) lovely cards. In fact, at the time she thanked me, I remember her saying what lovely words I'd written in her parents' card, it had made her dad cry.

  3. Apparently some years I've forgotten her dd's bday (it's early Jan) and either sent no present, or a joint one with Christmas. It's possible I may have missed the odd present over the years, I can't honestly remember now, but on the rare occasions I've done a joint one, I've always spent the same as I would if her bday was different time of year, ie in order to give a bigger present that I thought she'd like rather than two smaller ones.

  4. Lateness of her 50th present wasn't as big a deal, but was I think another small thing that made her feel that my "actions didn't match my words" and led her to feel that she wanted a break from me. But that she hadn't intended it to be so long.

I was pretty astonished tbh. I said that I was extremely sorry she had felt like that, and that it certainly wasn't my intention. I also said that at no point did she give any hint at all of any of these - she did say several times that she clearly needs to be much more direct and honest in her communication rather than letting little things pile up, stewing on them, then blowing up. (Which is what she does with her family, for context.) No shit.

I went on to say very clearly how much it had affected me, and that it had impacted every friendship I have - I'm now constantly worrying about saying/doing/not saying/doing the wrong thing and risking being punished out of nowhere without a clue what I've done. She apologised for that, and said that she hadn't thought about it having that kind of effect.

Once we'd both said our bits we carried on chatting and it was fine, just like normal, (although tbh I don't trust her any more at all not to be thinking something totally different if she can take offence at such things). Before we said goodbye she also said thanks for not giving up on me.

Now I'm home I just feel pissed off.

So there we are. I really appreciate so many posts wishing me luck, it helped a lot this morning.

I'm glad today's over but also hugely unimpressed tbh. I would NEVER behave like that to anyone. I also told her that if any other friend had done that, I would not be coming back from it.

She talked a lot about wanting to get together soon and moving forward communicating differently etc. I'm happy to see how it goes but certainly will be very wary. Makes you realise how little you really know someone, I guess.

I think you've had the patience of Job, OP.

I'd have walked away months ago.

As you say, the trust has gone, your time and emotional energy has worth and she's treated it as nothing.

She'd be no friend of mine any more - I'd quietly exit.

Aria999 · 25/01/2025 17:49

Wow. I guess the real reason she never told you about any of it was that it would have sounded so stupid and petty.

Because....

FairBrickBiscuit · 25/01/2025 17:50

Wow.

Well done and thank you for updating us. You are right to be astonished that someone would behave like that after 45 years of friendship. I wonder if you might have been onto something when in one of your posts you mentioned the menopause. Maybe that has affected her and led to act out of character.

Either way I’m so pleased for you that you got an explanation and to see that you’re now ready to see how things go, but on your terms.

You navigated this very graciously and she’s very lucky to have you as a friend.

Miffylou · 25/01/2025 17:51

How odd. It just shows you (we) can never feel sure we know someone.

I'm sure you must be feeling it was all a bit of an anticlimax - instead of some big sin she felt you’d committed it turned out to be a lot of nothings. I still wonder whether she was put out by your marriage; perhaps she liked you being more dependent on her for close companionship.

Ah well, at least you had your say. All you can do now is see how things go, but I suspect you’ll always be a bit on edge, wondering if she’s judging you wanting.

Original poster
EmeraldDreams73 · 25/01/2025 17:55

Yeah, quite possibly. I think she's created a narrative in her head and kind of made things fit it. She kept saying how nice it was to see me in person.

I do think hormones have one hell of a lot to answer for here. Never had anything like this for nearly half a century ffs!!

OP posts:
JoanOgden · 25/01/2025 17:56

My God! She sounds unbelievably self-absorbed. In your position I don't think I'd expend any more energy on her.

Also I don't think you should worry about your other friendships as there is nothing in your behaviour at all that makes you sound inconsiderate.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 25/01/2025 18:00

To be honest, I'd be done.

EternalSunshine0 · 25/01/2025 18:00

I personally wouldn't be continuing this friendship. Even if the reasons she gave are justified in her mind, the way she went about things certainly isn't and what excuse is there for that? If you hadn't pushed her OP, she might have been content to never see you again for all you know. I'd stop sending cards/gifts and decline any future attempt to meet up (Which I highly doubt she will instigate anyway).

TwistedWonder · 25/01/2025 18:02

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 25/01/2025 18:00

To be honest, I'd be done.

I agree. It’s pathetic childish self obsessed navel gazing BS. I really don’t think I would have any tolerance to deal with her any more.

JustCrow · 25/01/2025 18:03

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 25/01/2025 18:00

To be honest, I'd be done.

So would I. She’s ridiculous.

Cyclingalong · 25/01/2025 18:26

She has no embarrassment quibbling about trivia and ridiculously finding fault, especially after such a long friendship. No wonder you’re pissed off and unimpressed and imo menopause doesn’t give her a get out card. She’s unsettled you and made you question yourself. Do you want to keep this prima donna on your Christmas card list?

kitteninabasket · 25/01/2025 18:28

Oh god! What strange things to hold grudges over. I'd be pissed off too. I couldn't be friends with her, I'd feel like I was treading on eggshells.

biscuitsandbooks · 25/01/2025 18:30

I'd tell her piss off, quite frankly. She sounds awful from your update.

Gloriia · 25/01/2025 18:30

Oh well done op for going and listening. I think I'd have walked out halfway through she sounds absolutely self absorbed and petty. Who gets in a huff over wedding seating or the odd missed birthday and a card for the expected death of a 102yr old is absolutely sufficient.

You'll be walking on egg shells with every encounter with her now. I think I'd block the silly cow. Sorry, I'm sure it all hurts but it is so unnecessary Flowers.

RomeinApril · 25/01/2025 18:32

Out of interest OP, when you sadly lost your friend from cancer quite young, did P send you a card/flowers or offer support?

Bollihobs · 25/01/2025 18:39

Well done OP. You've been dignified and scrupulously fair throughout.

Quite frankly, she's a self centred twat. What a lot of drama and fuss over so little. And how long before she has another "perceived slight" episode.... feeling like you are walking on eggshells with her is grossly unfair to you.

She doesn't deserve you and you deserve a lot better.💐

I'm glad for you that the 'not knowing' is over but going forwards, hmmmm, I'm not sure I could and I admire that you are willing to try.

Reg22 · 25/01/2025 18:41

Im totally stunned to be honest, I also think there is more to it than the reasons she gave.

Could it be that she is jealous of your new life? It seems that you getting married started all this?

I have found some friends like you better when your life is crap as it makes them feel better in their own lives. When I got my act together and turned my life around I lost a few friends hat I had considered as close friends.
I remember one in particular didn't mention the fact that I had lost a considerable amount of weight once. She even stopped inviting me to things.

Im glad you got an explanation but as others have said I think she has been incredibly mean to you and I'm not sure you can carry on as if nothing has happened?

Sending you love

MuddlingThrough1724 · 25/01/2025 18:42

Aria999 · 25/01/2025 17:49

Wow. I guess the real reason she never told you about any of it was that it would have sounded so stupid and petty.

Because....

This.....

She's been totally ridiculous, and so self centred. I wouldn't be making any effort if I was staying in touch at all.....let her do the running!

OverthinkingOlive · 25/01/2025 18:47

I don't believe any of that bullshit and am still convinced she fancies your husband and is too embarrassed to admit it. It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

PeppyGreenFinch · 25/01/2025 18:52

Op, PLEASE do not get sucked back into the presents, birthday cards, condolences cards, etc., she really doesn’t deserve any consideration.

She will ABSOLUTELY find another way to punish you if you don’t behave exactly as she wants you to.

She WANTS you on tenterhooks.

Original poster
EmeraldDreams73 · 25/01/2025 18:53

RomeinApril · 25/01/2025 18:32

Out of interest OP, when you sadly lost your friend from cancer quite young, did P send you a card/flowers or offer support?

Good question.

This was the second friend actually, both in their fifties. She said how sorry she was both times. No cards or flowers, but I wouldn't have expected any as they weren't family. She did send a lovely card when we lost an elderly family member just before Christmas.

OP posts:
Gloriia · 25/01/2025 19:01

PeppyGreenFinch · 25/01/2025 18:52

Op, PLEASE do not get sucked back into the presents, birthday cards, condolences cards, etc., she really doesn’t deserve any consideration.

She will ABSOLUTELY find another way to punish you if you don’t behave exactly as she wants you to.

She WANTS you on tenterhooks.

Yes although it is quite surprising this is a 45yr friendship and she hasn't behaved like this previously, or has she op when you look back? Just not in such a prolonged and concentrated way.

Does seem like the wedding was the sticking point, she blamed the seating but was there more to it is she jealous of your happiness perhaps?

Uricon2 · 25/01/2025 19:05

Honestly OP, she is not a good friend. She may have been at one time, but real friends don't stew on bits of nonsense (which her gripes are) and use them as a stick to beat you with, they're either treated as being utterly unimportant and never mentioned or dealt with at the time.

To an outsider, she isn't a very pleasant person to do this, especially to someone you have such a long history with. This is not a new friend being a bit flakey (and even then, her complaints are petty) but someone she knows fully and still isn't able to make the slight allowances most would for an aquaintance.

You deserve better.

Original poster
EmeraldDreams73 · 25/01/2025 19:06

She made a point of saying she was really happy for me and it had nothing to do with the wedding or my dh - I didn't ask, she just said that, and more than once. Who knows? She's clearly a better actor than I could have imagined, so it could be bollocks.

OP posts: