To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

EmeraldDreams74, I'm sorry your friend has pulled away from your friendship. You've tried multiple contacts because there was what sounds like an abrupt change in a close friendship of nearly 50 years. That's hard to give up on and I hear your upset. P hears it too.

But now she's just yanking your chain. The push pull will she or won't she contact you games, now her knowing you work but asking you to take off to talk and she likely won't show so you waste a day and stress about it. That's games.

She's not going to be honest with you or she already would have been. Time to drop the rope.

Ignore my post. Didn't realize it was way beyond that.

Thanks for the thought but I'd never do this. I've given her 2 dates I could take off work to suit her, if she doesn't want those, I'll just stop contacting her. If (like a PP did) she ever wants to reconnect in years to come, she knows how to find me but I wouldn't expect it or be waiting for it.

The moment I knew she was in touch with mutual friend as normal and it wasn't illness etc, I only sent P one message. Since then, other than responding to hers about meeting up, I've sent nothing. I'm not harassing her, it's her prerogative and that's fine.

She’s sounding like a petulant child now, but would be good to at least get closure on why.

Gosh definitely don’t do this…

Thank you, yes exactly. The reason I tried to contact her so many times was because the change was SO abrupt. There was zero sign that she wanted or was trying to pull back. As soon as I realised, I stopped after one final apology.

I suspect "conflict" means she doesn't want to be told off for not being in touch.

@EmeraldDreams73 I would drop it but clearly you don't want to, which is your choice of course.

like a pp mentioned, they themselves did this to someone and can't even remember why. I just wouldn't bother.

Quite possibly! I've never been remotely confrontational (to my detriment, obvs) in my entire life, so it's extremely odd to cite that as a reason. However, she is and always has been a huge procrastinator, in every possible way for her entire life, the rest of us have teased her about it over the years as we're all much more 'write a list, get it done, sorted'

Procrastination in situations where you know someone else is hurting badly because of you, is cruel. Procrastination about housework etc. I absolutely understand, but this is different. She knows you have been hurting, she knows she could fix it, and yet she doesn't because... she procrastinates? I think you would have to be someone very lacking in empathy and very self-centred not to realise that that is not okay.

I’m wondering if she’s just found it all a little draining if all the contact over the last year has been geared toward one side wanting answers about what they’ve done wrong etc. it can be a bit overwhelming when one party needs constant reassurance, I mean looking at the language from early on there’s been crying my heart out, not being able to sleep. I wonder how much of that highly emotional self flagellation found its way into the messages ?

Absolutely none! I kept it all very light and infrequent and much more "if you've got time". Only once I knew it was me she was avoiding did I send a really apologetic message but didn't say a word about how upset I'd been. I have been, but she won't know that (neither does mutual friend).

I completely appreciate that none of you know me so having vented so much on here you might well think I'm unhinged and over intense if that's what I'm like outwardly. I'm absolutely not! I have shown none of my upset feelings to P (and haven't felt like that anyway until the last few days, just concerned for her). In fact, I was careful to phrase all messages probably overly neutral, for fear of being pushy/making it about me when I thought there was something external she was dealing with.

You’re massively over analysing this which I doubt she is doing. How long are you prepared to wait until she gets back to you about the two dates of UNPAID work you’ve offered her? The situation has for a long time impacted your emotions and could have financial consequences yet she gives you virtually nothing. Stop taking her crumbs. If she’d treated me like this, I’d walk immediately thinking it better to be without her than be so disrespected.

I haven't got the impression of you being either overly intense or unhinged. You come across as a very nice person. Perhaps you come across as someone who will turn themselves inside out for other people, and put your own needs and feelings last. Why shouldn't P know you are upset? Why shouldn't she feel bad about treating you so poorly? Your focus is still very much on her and what she wants, feels etc. rather than on yourself and how you deserve to be treated by other people. Making stuff about you isn't the worst thing in the world. Of course there needs to be a balance, but you are also allowed to take up space.

I don’t find you overly emotional or unhinged
but
I think you’re far more concerned for her than she is for you. Friendships imo don’t work on this foundation.

One thing I am interested in which doesn’t even seem to have been touched on, what does OPs husband make of her spending so much time this last year beating herself up and grieving this friendship over and over, crying for hours and not sleeping at night? It can’t have been easy for him in the household with all that going on? He must be exhausted himself? It all sounds a bit intense. Sometimes we just find it difficult to accept people for who they are and feel owed explanations. The fact everything is normal between the mutual friends suggests maybe the friend chose to back away and just doesn’t want to go into the reasoning. Why would she say she was avoiding confrontation? She obviously felt you wanted more than she was prepared or able to offer to feel that way. I have a friend I’ve distanced myself from because her constant need for reassurance has drained me and I just can’t do it anymore. No amount of telling her why I can’t talk on the phone multiple times a day makes any difference. All she wants to do is offload constantly, not that this situation is the same but unfortunately sometimes the dynamics in friendships change and people feel less in common and we won’t always get given explanations. Having to listen to a character assassination of all that is why people don’t feel the same way about our friendship benefits nobody.

Clearly there was a point where things changed. She chose to continue one friendship but not the other and the mutual friend knows why. In those circumstances it is likely dynamics just changed and perhaps you did not pick up on it at the time. Why else did she feel there would have been a confrontation if she had spoken to you sooner?

I don't think you're unhinged, you're expressing your feelings at the loss of a nearly lifelong close friend online, not to her. That amount of time and emotional investment creates a strong bond, they're a part of your life history and become family.

My bff and I have been friends for over 50 years. I would be stunned if she had such a quick behavioural change.

But I would pull back at this point in your situation with P. And it's ok to be really sad about it.

I became estranged from a best college friend years ago. We were both in the throes of young children and we had a break up that lasted maybe 10 years—it was so awful I actually can’t say how long it lasted—but when i contacted her out of the blue years later she gladly made up with me and we instantly appointed a time to talk. We have been close again for the last 8 years.

My point here is that if she wanted to resume the friendship she would gladly accept your gestures and make time forcavreconnecting phone call. That she didn’t is all you need to know.

Wait a week, if you must, then just send her a text “I feel like I am getting mixed signals here. I think its best to bow out. My door is always open if you decide to resume our friendship. All the best. OP” then just stop.

Or just write that line “take mixed signals as no” in your heart and simply resolve to stop doing the “pick me dance.” I think you might benefit from reading over at chump lady for how divirces work. A lot of your feelings and this behavior track that of a person whose spouse or partner dumps them without explanation. You are going theough all the same self recrimination and internal shame that any person does when they don’t understand what is happening in a cherished relationship.

But eventually you stop doing the pick me dance, the waving snd shouting to reopen communication, and you arrive at acceptance that the relationship has died. Then, as they say, you eventually get to “meh.” That is “whatever” and indifference.

Goodness, just read the whole thread, whilst lying, hungover, on the sofa. It’s so hurtful, OP. I’ve had similar-ish when I was “chucked out” of a group WhatsApp and by extension, any meet-ups involving that group of people, all of whom I’d known for 17 years. I hadn’t attended enough get togethers (mainly because I work F/T and also hadn’t realised I’d ever signed a contract on attendance at events 🙄) After some detective work, I found out what had happened and I wrote a message to the group as a whole then left it. I’m still friends with a few people from the group - two in particular who have been amazing friends - but I’m way too old to accept that kind of bullying behaviour so quite frankly the others are irrelevant to me now.

If P gets back with a date, don’t feel the need to fill any silences. Let her talk then walk away, keeping it classy, unlike your former friend.

" I do suspect she thinks I didn't make a big enough deal of her birthday in light of wedding timing but I can't know for sure and won't be trying any more."

I understand all you said about the gift getting to her late and I don't think that seems to be the issue. But I wondered whether you usually celebrate birthdays, especially big ones, in person together and did that not happen this time due to your wedding plans? How close was the cross over with her birthday and your wedding?
If she is conflict adverse she may have been upset by this and not known how to raise it with you?

Either way she's made it clear that there is a reason and that she has found it hard to speak with you about it.

Op, you come across as being very lovely.
I’ve been in this situation, where I was ghosted and never did find out why.
it’s massively hurtful, and you’re grieving a loss.

I too think you come across as a lovely person. I'm angry for you. What a cunt.

Did she even reply about the dates yet?

My dh has been aware all year that I was concerned about her but it hasn't impacted him until the last few days. Until then, now and then he'd ask me if I'd heard from P, I'd say no, God knows what's going on, and that would be it. All year I haven't been crying/not sleeping, just worried.

The last few days when I have been much more upset, he's only seen a small amount of it as he's been working all through the Xmas and New Year. He's been very sweet and sympathetic, baffled at what could be the reason, and like almost all of you, he's now said he thinks she's behaved really badly. He wouldn't tell me not to meet/talk to her if that's ever an option but he did say the other day that he felt like sending her a message himself as he could see how sad I was. (Then of course added that he wouldn't do that, and hasn't.)

He knows that after a couple of days of very intense feelings I'm much more myself again and that's how it'll stay.