To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

You seem determined to put the boot in. Are you projecting….

What a weird and utterly pointless comment. It literally means nothing and has no relevance to anything I've posted. That's ok, you do you.

You didn’t understand what I wrote? You seem determined to put the boot in, when op is genuinely heartbroken about the situation.
Has something happened to you, that makes you feel the way you are about the op. That is why I asked if you are projecting.

because of their own hurty feels.

wow. The internet is often a reminder of how truly unpleasant some people are.

For sure. It was either page 8 or 9 of the thread where the Daisy poster said they had ghosted a friend (basically the ‘P’ in this situation), I think their reactions here are definitely clouded by that. It must have been an intense situation for them based on their responses to OP. Justified, guilt, sadness? Maybe a mix of all 3!

So, wait, when I specifically stated that I had been stalked by an ex friend who I had tried to be nice to and then stated clearly and was clearly well aware of the fact that this makes me less willing to be sympathetic to stalkerish behaviour you thought that mean my reactions were "clouded"?

Oh dear. It's rather the opposite isn't it? I am, clearly, very well aware of my own less than sympathetic reaction to stalkerish behaviour as I myself pointed out.

Anyway, glad that's all cleared up now, and it's lovely you are following all my posts so carefully, nice to be heard.

Determined to silence anyone who disagrees with me? Bit of a stretch, as it’s only you I’ve called out.
I don’t need to back it up, I’m asking you a question, which you are of course free to ignore
I also did not comment on your opinion or facts, I simply said you’re determined to put the boot in, are you projecting? But don’t let the actual facts get in the way of whatever is going on inside you.

Ahh, I missed that. Interesting

Says the pp who just called the OP a self centred twit.…..

This, exactly 💯 . My best friend from school wrote in a Christmas card about 4 years ago when I had been struggling severely with post natal depression that "she hadn't had time for my problems" but if I'd called her, she had the time to talk 😳😕 I think she was fed up with my ongoing health problems after a long period of being ill before (I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured by off label psychotropic drugs) .

Since then, she barely contacts me. After being friends since we were 17 and I am now 43, it really does hurt. 😢

Please make sure you look after your mental health, OP. You deserve to be treated with kindness and care, not a horrible cruel way of being there in some way one moment, then unavailable the next like your friend has been doing.

My experience is exactly the opposite - friendship dramas are much more likely to develop when people have limited social circles. Ghosting Friend may have decided to withdraw from the OP because she doesn't have very many friends and is inclined to brood about those she has - resulting in jealousy about OP's marriage and sulking about the late birthday present. I don't know how big the OP's social circle is, but these kinds of upsets with a friend tend to sting less when you have a lot of other friends to spend time with, not least because ongoing friendships with them help to reassure you that are you normal and are someone that people do actually want to be friends with!

She’s still playing games with you by suggesting a weekday meet up which she knows is a boundary too far. There’s no limit to how far she’s prepared to test you which is despicable. Her treatment of you is contemptible.
It’s impossible to comment further and support you unless we know if you have messaged her.

I messaged and said I would have to take a day off for that but if she doesn't have any weekend time, I can do that on x or y dates. She'll either reply or she won't, but at least by taking a day off she can't say I asked to talk then refused to accommodate her.

She's been really really cruel all year OP. Nothing you have done could justify that. She knows how you've been feeling, and she's almost enjoyed dragging it out. She could easily just message 'I felt xyz' but she still isn't. I wouldn't give it the time of day at this point.

I was once your friend in this scenario, well similar anyway. It is still a huge regret. Small things had built up with a much loved old friend, and then one more smallish thing annoyed me so much that I stopped getting in touch and didn’t reply to her calls. We were estranged for two years I think, possibly three. I forgot my grievance so clearly it wasn’t that important, and I just really missed her, but by then so much time had gone by that I didn’t know how to reconnect. I am very lucky that her daughter got in touch and we did then speak, and talk about what happened. I think she felt very much as you do here, so it has been a painful read for me. I have apologised, and it is something I think about often, I dealt with it so badly. Partly it was difficult to get time with her, partly we were both overloaded , it’s complicated as these things are, but I am so glad we resolved things.
I hope you too can resolve this with your friend. My friend forgave me for the way I dealt with things, and we communicate differently now.

You’ve been reasonable but have given her unlimited time for reply which leaves you hanging (again). You could message her indicating that you need to know one way or the other by Friday evening as it’s your busy time of year/ you’ve a lot of friends to catch up with/ you have tight plans and that if you don’t hear back from her by then you’ll assume she doesn’t want to meet up. Pin her down OP.
She might see you as I do - too conciliatory and available.

I suspect if you actually gave up on her and walked away, she would suddenly be interested in contact. Currently she has you dancing to her tune.

I know the time is important to you but, in the grand scheme, time invested is incidental when someone has caused you harm. This isn't physical harm, it IS though emotional and mental harm. And (I say this gently) you're allowing it, indeed in the face of her disgusting attitude you're affording her a level of respect and consideration that's very difficult to fathom. When you remove time, what are you getting from this person besides for heartache and utter disregard? If you persist in imploring her to care, it's heartache and disregard that is likely to repeat perpetually.

There's a saying "For the sake of your mental health, take mixed signals as a no". Things like this have a bigger impact than you may realise.

I wouldn't take day off work for her, you will lose money, and she will probably cancel. If she was serious about resolving things then a phone call would be the first port of call. I hate to think you are setting yourself up for more disappointment if you take a day off and she doesn't show up at the last minute. She doesn't have a single weekend free for the whole of 2025?

Thank you for this, I'm well aware we might not have the same reasons or outcome, but great to know you were able to reconnect eventually. X

I just don’t understand why she hasn’t told you what the issue is. She mentioned conflict. I’d have to ask her what she meant! It’s all rather vague?

Send a message saying you are going to ring every week on x day and X time and she doesn't have to answer but when she's ready you'd love to be there for her. And if she doesn't want to hear from you ever she should let you know.

That’s the thing, even now it’s all rather vague and non committed but Op still seems to be clinging onto any crumbs thrown her way and us still messaging. I don’t think the messages are necessarily mixed. I think it’s quite clear the friend is not committing to anything.